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Taking a Different Path Toward Motherhood
by Kathleen Sorabella

The opportunity to host was the validation we needed to confirm that our infertility wasn't divine intervention telling us we shouldn't be parents.

I suspected it would be difficult for us to think about hosting again, so prior to Daniel's departure I booked us through the summer with short-term summer students. Knowing he wouldn't be overly thrilled, I waited about a week before breaking this piece of news to Carl. We both found that although we missed Daniel terribly, the once consuming loss had eased now that we were able to see ourselves in this new found parenting role and loved it. I loved being needed, I loved waking our temporary children up in the morning and saying goodnight at the end of each day. Even freedom somehow felt different. Whenever any of our host children spent a night with friends or my family and we were alone for the night, we felt this overwhelming sense of freedom. Carl and I knew that we had a limited amount of time to spend alone together without a teenager at foot, and it made the time Carl and I spent together a little more meaningful than it had been in several years. At the same time, we couldn't wait until he or she arrived home again, or talk to them the next day to find out all about what they did and if they had fun.

...we learned that the age of a child isn't what's primarily important. To us, the importance is the love we have to offer and the room we have in our hearts to accept whomever finds his or her way home to us.

In all of our hosting relationships we rode the roller coaster of expected ups and downs that any relationship experiences, some worse than others. The opportunity to host was the validation we needed to confirm that our infertility wasn't divine intervention telling us we shouldn't be parents. It motivated us to apply for adoption more aggressively through the Department of Social Services as well as Catholic Charities. We couldn't be more certain that we are able and ready to take a child in need of a home and give him or her all the love we have to offer. Through hosting we were able to discern that at this point of our lives, we aren't necessarily interested in diapering and 2:00 a.m. feedings. Perhaps this is just a further extension of our denial and we are settling for what we can get.

But in reality we aren't getting any younger and we learned that the age of a child isn't what's primarily important. To us, the importance is the love we have to offer and the room we have in our hearts to accept whomever finds his or her way home to us. We have discovered perspective and can now see beyond the "It has to be an infant" stage that we both experienced when initially discussing adoption. As best described by my friend Phil, this experience has given us directions on how to "get out of the box." In climbing out, we found there is a whole new world open to us out here!

One of the lessons learned through our experiences with infertility is that life is not simply black and white, there does exist a gray. That gray area is the realm in which we searched when looking for meaning and hope of parenthood; that gray has been finding creative and unique parenting opportunities such as hosting other people's children. Being given the gift of sharing the child of another for a specific period of time is a gift of parenthood that, not long ago, seemed out of reach to us. The gift of being allowed to see that young person grow up a little, scrape his knees and get back up again, then sending him back home whole. Part of my inner darkness is filled every day that I wonder what he or she will grow up to become and knowing that we played a role in that.

TeensOur newest student arrives next week. She is a rising ballerina attending a local private high school for the performing arts. This child is different in that she is from the States, but as with Daniel, she will be with us an entire school year (never say never). Her room is ready and waiting and we hope that when our time is up with her that our own child will be ready and waiting for us via adoption. Until then, I will continue to fill that ever-present void of motherhood with other people's children entrusted to our care.

Through hosting, my earlier unanswered question of "Why me?" posed to the heavens has finally been answered. I didn't do anything wrong. There is a greater plan for us and it just took us this long to find out what that plan is. We have so much love to offer, and there are many children out there who need loving parents like Carl and myself. Just as Carl and I firmly believe that we were meant to find one another, we are meant to find one of those children, and one of them is meant to find us. The search merely isn't over yet. And like life, it's not about the goal sometimes -- it's about the journey. And all along this journey I have learned, cried, healed and grown up quite a bit. It was a test on my relationship with Carl as something that could have easily torn our marriage apart, but has instead pulled us closer together.

I am infertile and have never adopted, but I have six children throughout three different countries. And I love them all.

If you are interested in hosting children, here are some contact agencies:

Academic Year USA 1-888-55-AYUSA
International Student Exchange 1-800-766-4656
Youth for Understanding 1-800-Teenage

Back to Part One here.

About the author: Kathleen Sorabella is a 32 year old freelance writer and motivational speaker from Natick, Massachusetts. She has been married to her husband Carl for 11 years and they are currently undergoing infertility treatments at the Brigham and Woman's Hospital in Boston.

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