In this new millennia, many modern couples across the country are redefining the traditional family model by forging lifelong family relationships with partners of the same gender. The U.S. Census Bureau (USCB) estimates that in 1998 there were at least 1.6 million same-sex cohabitant partners (865,000 males and 809,000 females) in the United States. Though same-sex marriage is largely not recognized by law, 90 percent of cohabitant gays are in what they describe as long-term committed relationships.

Like many couples, those who share a common gender desire the experience of having children. According to the USCB, in 1998 approximately 167,000 same-sex couples had children younger than 15 years old living with them, and almost as many said they were interested in having children in the next four years.

Legal and Medical Options
Various options, including artificial and donor insemination, domestic and international adoption and surrogacy, are available to gay couples who desire to be parents. The most common way same-sex couples achieve mutual parenthood is for one partner to initially be the sole legal parent of a child (via inseminated pregnancy or individual adoption), and the second partner petitions a court at a later date to allow for a second-parent adoption using a streamlined process.

Step-parent adoptions allow gay couples to have equal parental rights. Most states streamline the process of step-parent adoptions by eliminating the usual required steps including home studies, statutory waiting periods and accounting of adoption expenses.

"Our 4-year-old son, Gus, is the result of a donor insemination, but his father is a dear friend of ours," says Christie Nordhielm, who lives with her partner, Marta, in Evanston, Ill. "It has worked out really well. Not only does Gus have two loving committed parents, he also knows his father and he will be able to develop full relationships with all of us. After looking at our options, I really couldn't have done it any other way than to do a donor insemination with someone I know and respect. Now it's just a matter of Marta applying for second-parent adoption."

According to Tim Fisher of the Gay and Lesbian Parents Coalition International (GLPCI), the 21 states that have established court precedents allowing second-parent adoptions for same-sex couples are: Alaska, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Washington, D.C., Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Maryland, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Texas, Vermont and Washington.

"All 50 states allow unmarried individuals to adopt," says Fisher. "Unfortunately, no states currently sanction standard adoption by lesbian or homosexual couples. The main problem in getting this overturned is that the marriage of same-sex couples is illegal in all states except Hawaii, and most states require couples to be legally married in order to adopt a child. There's little doubt that the children of gay parents would benefit from the legal, social and financial stability that accompanies a sanctioned marriage."

Facing the Opposition
Opponents of gay marriage and same-sex parenting frequently argue that children are better off when they are raised by two parents of the opposite sex because children need both genders as role models.

"Every study I've read to date indicates that children of homosexual parents have no developmental hindrances or disadvantages as compared to children of heterosexual parents," says Dr. Pepper Scwartz, professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle, and author of The Gender of Sexuality. "Though the samples are small, some studies show that, because they must deal with more social stigma, children raised in lesbian households exhibit higher levels of maturity, independence, tolerance and verbal ability. There are also some indications that lesbians co-parent more than heterosexual parents, and that this may be to the child's advantage. I think it can be said with relative certainty that same-sex parenting is neither a detriment to the children of gay parents or society at large."

Choosing to Have Children
Since it's not likely to happen by "accident," one significant issue facing gay couples who are interested in being parents is: When is the right time to bring another person into the family?

"I would like to think that all parents wait to have kids until they've gone through some rough times and come out of them fine," says Dr. Schwartz. "The best time to think about having children is when both partners have pledged to do everything they can to stay together for the sake of the children."

For many gay, lesbian and bisexual families, raising children is an innate drive. Even though many of them are boldly reinventing the roles of gender and family in modern America, most same-sex parents, like their heterosexual counterparts, are merely doing what comes naturally to them and are happily immersed in the adventure of parenting.

"Right now, we're attempting to have another child using Gus' biological father," says Christie Nordhiem. "We are trying with me first, so Gus can have a full sibling, but if it doesn't work, we'll try with Marta, in which case Gus would have a half-sibling, but Marta would be a biological mom. There are a lot more options when you have two uteri between you."

Want to see more?

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• Donor Egg & Sperm
• Talk about it!