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January 1, 2001
I guess my tag line sounds very ominous and negative but I'm in that kind of frame of mind right now. What has precipitated all this negativity you ask? Well, AF arrived on Saturday and has officially launched us into our third year of TTC!! I have also totally relinquished all confidence in my body. For the last year or so I have struggled very hard to keep positive and I think that this seemingly innocuous event has sent all the optimism I had left packing! I was so upset on Saturday that I could not bring myself to go to a party at a neighbors and I had to send Michel without me. I just put on my PJs and sat in front of the TV bemoaning the fact that my ovaries seem to be a completely useless feature in my body. Ggrrrrr.
As you may know I have an appointment to see my doctor and I will be demanding some kind of treatment. I feel that after 2 years I have given my body every possible chance to do this on it's own and it isn't going to happen. I need medical help. Perhaps I should be happy and I am in a way looking forward to moving ahead but it is with many mixed feelings. I see this appointment as the beginning of the end for me. Now, don't get me wrong I am hoping that the end will be a beautiful healthy baby but… it also means that we start running out of options. When this thought occurred to me it completely took my breath away. Every thing that we try has the good possibility of failing and there are only so many options out there and only so much money for us to spend. I am willing to put my body through whatever treatment is necessary to make my dream come true but am I prepared for the failure of them as well? I don't think so. Am I prepared to get to the last step - IVF and have it fail??? How would that feel? It scares me immensely to think about the end of TTC and see no baby there.
I just don't understand how everything can seem to work like clockwork and after 24 cycles not one egg was fertilized! The fact that nothing has been found to be wrong is very frustrating. If I knew what was wrong then I could seek help to correct it, but to not know just seems like the cruelest form of torture. No one deserves this kind of pain. I am so thankful that the rest of my life is full of love and laughter, if it was not I think I would be down in the dumps all the time! At the end of March two of my best friends are coming to visit and right now I am living for that week to spend hanging out and laughing with them. It will be good to have an event to get my mind completely off TTC.
I am so anxious to see what the doctor suggests. I am hoping that she is willing to be aggressive. I will try my best to post what she says but this weekend my 15 yr old niece will be arriving for a week so I may not have a chance to get away and post but I will try!
My sincerest and positive thoughts go out to all the other women struggling with infertility because I know how much it can take out of you. It helps so much to know that we are not going through this alone since infertility is something most people don't like to talk about. This site has been a great source of information and inspiration for me and I hope is for you too.
Heidi
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