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Home › Diaries › Julia's › November 30, 1999

Julia's Diary Entries

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November 30, 1999


Day 31 of my cycle...9 days past ovulation...temperature still at 98.1 degrees F. That's about all I have to report. I don't have any symptoms at all, no nausea, no sore or sensitive breasts, no aching anything really (of course, I haven't allowed myself to look at my breasts in the mirror, or touch them...I'm basically ignoring them!). Just the normal pangs and twinges that accompany any cycle during these post ovulatory days.

I'm kind of in a depressed mood today. Two of my online friends have announced that they are pregnant within the past 2 days. I am so happy for them, and I am glad that they shared their news with me...but still, as more and more of my friends become pregnant, I wonder if I'm going to be "the one." You know, the one girl in a group of girls that has trouble trying to conceive, or who can't get pregnant at all. The one woman who cuddles all of the new babies at family gatherings, and who plays with all of the kids until after it's time to go home, but never gets to have one of her own. I'm so frightened that I won't be able to conceive, or that it will take me years to do it. I just don't know how I will handle it.

I am only deep in the trenches of cycle #2 right now, so I truly have no reason to worry, but I'm sure that you all understand that it's hard not to worry...regardless of if you have a reason, or not. Right now I'm concentrating all of my energy on telling myself that there is no possibility whatsoever that I could be pregnant. I'm preparing myself for the worst. Unlike any other month, this is December (well, in one day), and in December, I think it's probably even harder to be childless when you so desperately want one. I am really trying to prepare myself for disappointment on my birthday (when my lovely Aunt Flo is due), as well as feelings of jealousy and disappointment during the Christmas holiday when I will be ovulating the day after Christmas while hosting my brother and my pregnant sister-in-law (22 weeks by then?) in my home. I suppose that I will grow from this entire experience. I'm really learning that it is best to keep a positive attitude, it makes things a lot more bearable...but sometimes it is utterly impossible!

Anyway, I'm putting a smile on my face, and I'm going to be happy! Next week, we will know whether or not this cycles attempts were successful...and I will surely have some tips on how to deal with severe disappointment during the holiday season...either that or tips on how to deal with morning sickness. I don't know which to pick!

Take Care,

Julia

TTC#1 C#2 CD#31 9DPO



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