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Grace's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 8/9/00 -------------------- 8/2/00 7/26/00 7/19/00 7/10/00 7/7/00 7/5/00 6/27/00 6/21/00 6/14/00 6/6/00 5/30/00 5/22/00 -------------------- Grace's Introduction

July 10, 2000

Wednesday, July 10: Singing' the Blues

Well, yesterday was my long-awaited retrieval. Wouldn't you know it, but our unlikely misfortune has continued. Only two eggs retrieved. Unbelievable! We had hoped to get 20! Enough for this and future cycles! Creating extra reserves was the driving force behind my decision to try IVF again. I thought having a war chest of embryos made from 34-year-old eggs would make it worth not breaking into my stash of the three frozen embryos that we have. DH and I are crushed! If it is not one thing, it is another. How much more can we take? When will we get a break?

I have been able to preserve a pretty positive attitude over the last three years, but now I may be at the end of my rope. Suddenly, at every turn, we seem to be in that lousy second percentile of persistent tragedy. I now wonder if having a family is worth all of this heartache.

Talking to my anesthesiologist, she asked what I have been doing since she last saw me in October. I answered "Nothing." In a nutshell, I got pregnant, planned for a new life with my children and then lost them. That has been the reoccurring theme for my 30s. Enough already!

I know that somehow I have to muster up some hope for my transfer on Friday. It is a daunting task. I feel like all of my previous hope and faith were just a foolish waste of time. I have no control over the situation and that is it. End of story. What will be will be. Like it or not, there is no rhyme or reason in my universe.

Music to your ears:

A few weeks ago, I created a CD with music that I found uplifting and meaningful to my plight. At the time, I had no idea of how beneficial that this act would be. I have played it repetitively and it has helped. I need all of the help that I can get at this point. When I wake up or roll over the middle of the night, key phrases from the songs are playing in my mind. I will share them with you now in hopes that something strikes a chord with your feelings.

"Pick Yourself Up" Diana Krall
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again

"We Walk the Same Line" Everything but the Girl
We can't run and we can't cheat,
‘Cause baby when we meet what we're afraid of,
We find out what we're made of.

"Brand New Day" Sting
Turn the clock to zero honey,
Let's sell the stock and spend all the money.
We're starting on a brand new day.

"Tears in Heaven" Eric Clapton
Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
‘Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.

"When You Believe" Whitney Houston/Mariah Carey
Who knows what miracles you can achieve,
When you believe somehow you will,
You will when you believe.

"Faith" George Michael
I got to have faith, faith, faith,
I've got to have faith

Somewhere Over the Rainbow" Judy Garland
Someday I'll wish upon a star,
And wake up were the clouds are far behind me.

"Don't Give Up" Peter Gabriel with Kate Bush
Don't give up, you're not beaten yet.
Don't give up, I know you can make it good.
Rest your head. You worry too much. It's gonna be alright.
When times get tough you can fall back on us.
Don't give up. Please don't give up.
(And all other Kate Bush parts)

"The Impossible Dream" Frank Sinatra
This is my quest to follow that star,
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far.
To reach the unreachable star.

"I Want to Know What Love Is" Foreigner
This mountain I must climb. It feels the world is on my shoulder.
In my life, there has been heartache and pain.
I don't know if I can face it again.
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far to change this lonely life.

"True Colors" Phil Collins
Don't be afraid to let them show.
Your true colors, true colors are beautiful, beautiful like a rainbow.

"Here Comes the Sun" The Beatles
Here comes the sun.
Here comes the sun.
And I say it's all right.

"I Believe I Can Fly"
There are miracles in life I must achieve.
But first I know it starts in side of me.
If I can see it, then I can be it.
If I just believe it there's nothing to it.
‘Cause I believe in me.

"Bridge Over Troubled Water" Simon & Garfunkel
Sail on Silvergirl. Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine,
All your dreams are on their way.

"Please Send Me Someone to Love" Sade
If it's not asking too much, please send me someone to love.

Grace