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Grace's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 8/9/00 -------------------- 8/2/00 7/26/00 7/19/00 7/10/00 7/7/00 7/5/00 6/27/00 6/21/00 6/14/00 6/6/00 5/30/00 5/22/00 -------------------- Grace's Introduction

July 5, 2000

Accentuate the positive. Eliminate the negative. This is often easier said than done. Never in a million years could I have imagined that I would be in this place right now. On IVF cycle number two, without child. Without my beloved twins. Just writing those words made me sit back and cry. Sob was more like it. (Is it the drugs, me or a combination of both?)

I can't believe that I am here. It takes all that I have to push on. But push on I must. I don't give up on my dreams very easily. I really am trying to make the best of it. I recently looked over a top 10 list of reasons that DH and I should succeed in being parents that I created last fall, before my last IVF cycle. It reads as follows:

1. Loving husband -- still true
2. Good eggs/low FSH -- hope that it is still true
3. Healthy sperm -- hope that this is still true
4. Have become pregnant before -- true, and using IVF
5. Great RE -- still true
1. Great RE staff -- some new faces, but still great
6. Good insurance -- we will see
7. Caring support group -- I have made some changes to my core group but still true
8. Healthy uterus -- I have no idea what I meant here but cervix is a problem
9. Under 35 -- still true
10. Healthy and positive attitude -- it is still there

Updating this list for this cycle:

1. Loving husband
2. Additional risks identified (IC)
3. Great RE and staff
4. Great high-risk doctor
5. Acupuncture
6. Great support group and diary (friends and family, if you are reading this, then that means you)
7. Have produced healthy beautiful children in the past with these eggs and sperm
8. Good and flexible job
9. Under 35
10. New, more realistic lifestyle plan for a possible future pregnancy

I have to say, after writing this list I feel better already. I need to keep positive reminders everywhere.

Luckily for me, this past week has flown right by. Having my in-laws in town helped me to focus on something other than the obvious. We gardened, talked and ate the week away. My MIL and I spent a day shopping for antiques. I saw so many things that I would love to buy for a child of my own. Has this stuff always been around or am I just more sensitive to it? There were the sweetest strollers and doll beds. I even came across framed pages from "See Spot run." I looked a little, and even touched, but did not buy. Heavy sigh.

Well, we are moving right along. I hope that we are still on track for retrieval and transfer next week (the week of July 10th.) I should know more later today and will post an update on my board. I have five full days of stimulation meds under my belt. Yippee! The execution of the evening shots has been pretty funny. Generally, we eat dinner on the late side and have had to excuse ourselves from the table to "shoot up." On the Fourth we attended a friend's wedding on a boat. Everything was lovely. Perfect weather with the backdrop of the Golden Gate Bridge as they took their vows, and fireworks during dinner. Well, DH and I had to disappear from the dinner table for my shot. Here I was in a floor-length gown with DH in the "head" trying to hold up my dress and hold still for the injection. I can only imagine what the others were thinking. A fine picture indeed.

This is what I mean by "keep your eye on the prize." I cannot tell you all of the crazy things that DH and I have done over the past three years in our wild attempts at being parents. All the books that I have read, all of the probing, tests and shots that I endure will all be worth it if one day I get to hear those sweet words that keep eluding me.

I love you, Mommy.

Keep your eye on the prize,
Grace