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Grace's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 8/9/00 -------------------- 8/2/00 7/26/00 7/19/00 7/10/00 7/7/00 7/5/00 6/27/00 6/21/00 6/14/00 6/6/00 5/30/00 5/22/00 -------------------- Grace's Introduction

June 14, 2000

East of the sun
West of the moon

What a week! Believe it or not, I have been able to practice what I preached for a change. I have been living one day at a time. I have been in the moment while preparing for the future. What does all of this mean, exactly?

Well, DH and I finally took our trip to Mendocino. It was lovely. Just what we needed. When we lived in NYC, we often headed up to Vermont for a little R & R. This has been our first "weekend away" like that in three years. And again, a milestone in itself because we have felt too limited in the past to plan such a getaway. Just DH and I, no cell phones, no laptops. Beautiful! We stayed in a little cabin on a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Waves beating the coast were our lullaby. Memories of this weekend I will store away and bring up in the future when I need them.

Perhaps it is just me, but everywhere I looked there was a very pregnant person or a newborn. Is it baby/belly season or something? DH and I have finally learned to resist the temptation of imagining what it would be like to go to this place or that with our children. Instead of "when we have children" at every turn, it is the occasional "if we have children" we should do this or that. It hurts to think of our lives without children, but we have been burned so many times, that we can not bring ourselves to assume anything anymore. It is safer that way. Oh please let it happen.

DH and I also went out twice last week. Out to dinner with friends moving to SF next month one night, and to dinner and a comedy club another. Both spur-of-the-moment, unplanned events. Both fun. We really do have a good life together. How can I be so lucky and unlucky at the same time?

On the TTC front, DH and I have finished our antibiotics. Yea! Lupron starts on Monday. Yea again! The new nurse at my RE's office, nurse L tipped me off to a great drug store that specializes in fertility drugs. The prices are the best that I have seen. (If you are interested, please let me know.) I will soon go cold turkey on my vices. No more, well, limited sweets, no coffee or caffeine, other than the caffeine in my limited chocolate sweets and no alcohol after my next AF arrives with limited amounts until then.

I am also trying to be more positive, or more realistically, lose some of the monogrammed baggage that I carry around from my experiences over the last three-plus years. I am not saying that it is going to be easy, but I know that this baggage weighs me down, and it sure does not make me feel any better.

I remember when I first met my RE, he asked about my situation. I told him that I was a "habitual aborter." That was the term that I had read in so many places. To me, it seemed to sum up my problem. Dr. S told me not to use that term. I honestly can not remember any of the reasons that he sighted. I do remember thinking, "Has he not listened to a word that I said? This is me. This is my identity now." But you know, Dr. S was right. As usual, identifying with that label did not help me in the slightest. It just made me feel badly about myself and my body. Not an ideal environment to create and nurture a baby. Can I say that my road ahead will be an easy one? No. But I do have great traveling companions in DH, my medical dream team and you.

Keep your eye on the prize!

Grace