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Jerri's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 7/10/02 -------------------- 6/27/02 6/18/02 6/11/02 6/3/02 5/21/02 5/17/02 5/15/02 5/7/02 5/2/02 4/29/02 4/12/02 4/11/02 4/5/02 3/22/02 3/12/02 3/11/02 3/8/02 2/28/02 2/26/02 2/22/02 2/1/02 11/15/01 10/2/01 9/10/01 8/28/01 8/17/01 7/23/01 7/11/01 7/4/01 7/1/01 6/25/01 6/11/01 5/23/01 5/22/01 5/9/01 5/1/01 4/18/01 4/3/01 3/26/01 3/20/01 3/16/01 3/8/01 3/2/01 2/25/01 2/19/01 2/11/01 2/4/01 1/31/01 1/25/01 1/13/01 1/6/01 1/2/01 12/25/00 12/20/00 12/14/00 9/27/00 9/19/00 9/13/00 9/6/00 8/29/00 8/23/00 8/16/00 8/8/00 8/2/00 7/16/00 7/4/00 6/28/00 6/19/00 6/14/00 6/7/00 6/5/00 5/31/00 5/23/00 5/18/00 5/9/00 4/26/00 1/24/00 -------------------- Jerri's Introduction

May 1, 2001

Hello Friends.....

I came on here with one purpose in mind, to close out my diary and get on with my life. But, after reading for a little while, and hearing the great news of my friend Leslie from the diaries, I realized, I don't want to quit TTC. I am going to sound a little like I am trying to justify my decision but that isn't what is going on. The only justification is that I want at least one child, I would love more but at least one! So, at this point, it is time to develop a plan to have a child as a single woman. As I try to do this, I will attempt to keep it short but I do want all of you to see that every issue under the sun has crossed my mind. I'll start with the most obvious and work my way through this.

(Important note....this isn't all for you my friends to feel that I am bringing justification for it but some of it is for me to show my child, when he or she gets here, how important it is to me to get him/her here with me.)

1) My marriage is bringing itself to a close. There are way to many issue's to address here about that since he isn't here but I will just say that having a child in that situation is not and probably was not a very good idea. He has had many opportuntities to do what he needs to do to get himself straightened out so that we could move forward and have a family. He hasn't done this. I am looking for a place for me to live that I can afford that is near my job. But just because I don't have my husband doesn't mean I don't want to have children and I am going to continue my efforts of TTC.

So, obviously I will speak of my dh in terms of a donor because that is the manner in which I plan to go about getting myself back into TTC as quickly as possible. Yea, it cost more money to use donor sperm for IUI but that is the route that DH and I planned to use before and I am going to continue to pursue that matter. I will go back to the drawing board and pick a donor that I prefer as opposed to one that me and DH had agreed on.


And, I am planning to return to the dating scene. I am not a bar hopper-looking-for-men. I just don't think I stand a chance of finding anyone there that I could be interested in. I prefer to meet people through people and to meet some people through the computer. I know that it takes some analytical skills before actually meeting some of the people from the computer in person but I think I am and can be smart about that and don't expect too many problems.

I am looking at a small efficiency apartment to live in alone and for a cheap amount of money so that I can work, and save some money and have the opportunity to get some things done that I want to do.

I must say that when my marriage was good, it was really good and when it has been bad, it has been the worst. And, these times of hell, have brought my down, physically, emotionally, psychologically and on and on and on. I am tired from the inside out, just need to rest and worry about myself and only myself. I have tried for over a year to babysit a 35 year old man and boy is that next to impossible.

It won't be long until my insurance kicks back in and I can get busy on TTC the "jammy" way!!!But, that is what I plan to do, get busy the jammy way!!!

I know there will be a lot of folks out here that disagree with what I have said because of their beliefs that children need both a mother and father. However, I feel that it is very wrong for me to stay in my marriage as it is right now in order to have children with the situation as it is. And, I have bent over backwards in the last several years to prepare myself to be in a position to TTC and the old adage "if you wait until you are ready, it will never happen".....comes biting me on the butt. So, now I am going to focus on getting Jerri Ann ready to TTC, not Jerri Ann and DH!!!!!
As most of you already know, I have been married 3 times now and unless there is some serious changes going on in my life, there won't be a marriage number 4! So, am I just suppose to sit down and say, no marriage, no children.......well, I'm not irregardless of what anyone else has to say.


I do know that alot of you have seen me and talk to me during some very negative times in the last 6 to 9 months. But, I must tell you, as I have told some of you many times before, I know that I have survived crisis much worse than any of this before and because of that I am strong enough to endure what is brought to the table. I strongly believe that God will not allow me to enter a doorway that holds unbearable fruit on the otherside. He knows what I can handle and when my threshold is full, he cuts off the other crisis heading my way.

Losing my father in 1988 when I was only 19 years old was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I spent a year in a seriously depressed state with people around me diagnosing me with every kind of illness you can think of except depression. So, I honestly don't know of anything that could come up that would compare to that. So, I know that I can conquer yet another divorce if that is what is to happen and I can love my child no matter what the strategy is to get him/her into this world with me.

I do want to say that my plan with DH is that if he can get himself a place, stay clean for 3 or 4 months and manage his own money, then he and I can try to talk again. You know, I love him very much, probably always will. I thought a lot about that today too. If I look back at some of the other relationships that I have had in my life (not all men either, but I'll explain better in a minute), when they boyfriend/girlfriend relationships were over mutually, it was ok but when they were over and I wasn't ready for them to be over, it hurt for quite some time. But never was I as in-love with anyone during those times as I am with DH right now. But I did get over the others and I can get over this. When I look back and realize how bad it hurt to see some of those men walk out of my life, I can almost cry all over again. And, then I lost a very close girlfriend when I made the decision to date black men. That was about 8 or 9 years ago and very rarely does a day pass that I don't think about her. She was the closest friend I had ever had. We practically lived together as sisters for close to 5 years. So, when she made the decision to drop me as a friend so that she could make her own boyfriend at the time happy, I was devastated. And, I think about her alot.

I don't even know what prompted that last bit of rambling but you got it anyway.


I'll move on, just know I may not be here as much on a day to day basis but I would love to hear from all of you that I have tried to keep up with so closely. I thank you guys for the private emails with words of encouragement and the sneak preview of Leslie's PG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't make any promises on what my entries will entail in the future so BEWARE!!!!!!

Thanks for reading!!!
Love you all,
Jammy

P.S. I am not proofing this so, if you got confused, sorry!