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March 2, 2001
March 2, 2001
I hadn’t planned to write another entry but I am feeling inspirational and need to let go of some of my energy. I am wondering, right now, as I right this, where my life is leading, where am I going and just when am I am going to get there. I am not sure where these feelings of confusion are coming from. I am really not certain about the emotions that I am feeling. I honestly believe that God has a plan for each of us. And, when I am feeling extremely overwhelmed I try to remember a scripture that I have heard paraphrased many times in my life. I can never find the exact scripture when I want it but it refers to the fact that God doesn’t “hand” out more than He actually equipped each person to handle. Honestly, knowing this is what has carried me through some hard times. I know, deep down, that I can handle what is going on because if I couldn’t, it just wouldn’t be happening to me. I was chosen to live this life, to breathe this air and then given the ability to make choices about the path that I will take. (I don’t know where these philosophical thoughts are coming from either, but bare with me, please.) So, that leaves me to ponder some of the choices I have made in the past and to wonder what decisions lie ahead of me. So, I sit and I think.
Yesterday afternoon, I was feeling completely drained and exhausted (tax season in the tax business is not a pretty site). I decided to take a short nap when I first arrived home from work because DH gets home a couple of hours later than me. When I closed my eyes, thoughts of motherhood begin running through my mind. For some reason, lately, I have just been consumed by the thoughts of motherhood, not just having a baby but actual MOTHERHOOD. Possibly, part of this has been brought on by my the thoughts of my own mother that I discussed in an earlier entry, I am just not sure. But, yesterday, my best friend Cheryl who is getting about ready to deliver and her mother were the two people on my mind. Now, granted, I think my Mom is the greatest Mother in the World. But, with this, I must say that Cheryl and her Mom have something that me and my Mom just don’t have. My mom and I were not very close growing up. I have already been through all that. We are very close now but as I sit and think about Cheryl and her Mom and the situations I have witnessed between the two of them over the years, I know that my own relationship is missing something. For some reason, I feel it is necessary to explain what I am observing. Cheryl has two sisters and a brother, all younger than her. When her Mom is with any of this children, no matter what the occasion she appears to be the happiest woman in the world. I will stick mostly to events involving Cheryl. At the baby tea a few weeks ago, Cheryl’s mom appeared to be the proudest woman in the world. She was absolutely beaming. She looked just like I have imagined that a proud Grandma should look. I have written three sentences trying to explain the connection that the two of them possess when they just speak of each other. I can’t explain it. It is magical. I know that they are very proud of one another, that is ver evident. So, that leads me to what is missing in my relationship with my mom. I am very proud of my own Mother. I said already, it amazes me that she can do and will do all that she does. I have never heard my Mother raise her voice, never. I honestly mean that, she has the integrity of a Queen. But, I wonder, when she says my name to other people, or when she stands beside me in a store or somewhere, does she have that gleem in her eye that she is the most proud woman in the world. I am crying now. I know she loves me, but I want to make my Mom PROUD!
I have witnessed watched some other people when they had the opportunity to be in the presence of their Mother’s, I have never seen anyone the shine on their face that Cheryl’s Mom has when she discusses her own children. I know this is getting long and maybe way off the subject of why we are here but I truly want my little one to know, that no matter what happens, I will always be proud and I pray that my shine will show. I am not sure what they have that makes them seem so special to me, but I sure wish I had some of it.
So, now as Cheryl approaches Motherhood, I wonder if she realizes that outsiders can see this connection between the two of them. I have no doubts that Cheryl will be a very good mother. She reminds me of my Mother in some ways. I have never heard her raise her voice either. Never seen her really mad. Upset, yea, but not mad. I was extremely emotional watching her at the baby tea, belly protruding, face glowing and gleaming like only she can. We had our picture made together that day for the first time in almost 10 years, if I get a copy of it, I will send it with an entry just so you can see this wonderful lady I have written so much.
This is something that has been on my mind for several weeks. Hopefully now that I have written about it, I can move on. I mean seriously move on. There are so many other pieces of life on my plate right now, for this to keep popping up in my mind, is starting to get annoying.
Now that I have written all of that, I think it is time to hush, but I have a summary of upcoming events on my mind that I just need to let go of as well. I sure hope this entry releases all this energy. As for TTC, I have an appointment on March 7 with an RE about doing another IUI. I am not sure what all this doctor will want to do before moving ahead. I hope not much since my insurance changes on April 1 and I can’t get any information from this company regarding the coverage for infertility. We have had this insurance since Feb. 6 and it is really great, but now, with the change. We are back in limbo. So, I am not sure where the road leads but I do know, it leads down a path that God knows I CAN handle.
We are also looking into moving out of Atlanta. He wasn’t very excited at first but he just found out that his company has an office in Birmingham and he could be transferred.
We are trying to buy him a truck to drive back and forth to work. Here in Atlanta, he can use public transportation but with he present job, it has become a 2 ½ hour commute one way. So, another automobile is almost a necessity. If we are to move, another vehicle will be inevitable.
Ok, so I have all this on my mind and I just don’t have time to contemplate who is proud of whom and who isn’t. Hopefully, I just rid myself of some thoughts. If you are not crying or bleary eyed by now or just plain given up on me for rambling, thanks for listening. Until after my RE appointment..........................................................
Love,
JAM
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