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 | Lea's Diary EntriesDiary Navigation: |
June 8, 1999
Well it has been a little while since I last wrote and unfortunately I have
bad news. I have had a miscarriage. Needless to say I am devastated. It
all
started on the 29th May. I started bleeding that night and my DH took me to
the emergency room at the hospital so they could do an internal exam to see
if I
was miscarrying or not. Well the cervix was still shut so it actually
looked promising. They scheduled me for an ultrasound on the Monday to see
what was going on.
On Monday, the ultrasound only showed the baby to be the size of six weeks and it had no heartbeat. I should have been eleven weeks. I had an appointment with my OB/GYN later in the day anyway so I went to see him to show him the results and it was then that it was confirmed that the baby had died. I went in to hospital the next day for a curette.
I now have to wait two cycles before I can try again as the doctor says that the lining of the uterus is often not strong enough to support the baby if you fall in straight after a curette. So now I am already counting down the days. I know it might seem strange that I can't wait to start again without getting over this one first but I keep telling myself that this happened for a reason and that it was not meant to be. The baby was obviously not perfectly healthy and this was my body's way of not letting me or the baby suffer. I will never be able to replace this baby, as any other babies that I have will be different, and so they should be. I just thank my lucky stars that I lost it now and not when I was six or seven months pregnant, or worse still, after the baby was born. I believe it is much easier to deal with now.
Oh, one more thing before I stop rambling on for this entry: my DH came home from work yesterday and I was in one of my "it's not fair" moods (which are when I get all upset about the miscarriage) and he said to me that he was upset during the day about the baby as he thinks it would be really nice to have a baby around. I was stoked. This is the first time that he has actually said anything like this. My DH is normally a "I don't care" or "Whatever" type of person, so to actually hear him say it was amazing. Don't get me wrong -- he has been ready for kids since we started trying. That was part of the deal, we didn't start until we were both ready and he has been wonderful since I had the miscarriage. I don't think he fully understands what I am going through, though. I can understand that though -- it wasn't happening to his body.
Well, enough for now before I bore you all to tears.
Thanks for listening (well reading actually).
Lea
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