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December 6, 2001
C#13, CD#29
Look out - LONG entry!
Well, this is how my wait is ending, not with a bang but a big old whimper from me! I started spotting yesterday. Just a little tiny bit of tinged CM - almost not enough to see. So, of course I was a CM inspector all day and nothing - until tonight, when my usualy pre-AF spotting appreared. If all goes as it usually does, AF will arrive on Saturday, exactly one month to the date of this cycle starting. I guess that means I'll be looking at the IUI's on December 23 & 24 if things go the same again this time. I hope so, because Christmas day is the ONLY day the office is closed. The good thing about ovulating early with the HCG shot is it sure makes the cycle go by faster.
Needless to say I am sad - very sad (actually, sad is an understatement at this point), but I know there is a plan in this, somewhere. I still feel sad, though. There's also a part of me that almost feels guilty for feeling sorry for myself, because I know there are women out there who have gone through much more than this to have a child. I wanted this to work out, and apparently it wasn't meant to be this month. I've been praying a lot more lately, and it's helped me to put my trust more in God about working these things out. I know we will look back someday and think that, when we finally had our child(ren), the timing was just perfect. Maybe I wasn't meant to have an August baby because I should be back for the start of the school year to get my class started before maternity leave.
It doesn't help at all that DH is out of town until tomorrow. I'm sure I'll be fine by the time he comes back, and then I'll turn into a blubbering mess all over again.
I went to the dr. today because she wanted to be sure I'd released my follicles before prescribing clomid again. She felt what seemed to be my corpus lueteum still on my left side, and said to come in on cd 3 for a baseline u/s to make sure it's gone before I start back on Clomid. She said if it's not, I'll have to take the next cycle off. I had one of those Ally McBeal moments where my imagined self about went nuts while I calmly sat at the desk like a deer in headlights! Of course, she knows what she's doing, and I really think that by cd3 it will be gone, so I really hope it's nothing to worry about.
We talked about what we would do next. She said we'd move ahead and do 3-4 IUI's total before moving on. She talked about laporoscopy (ouch!), injection classes (ouch again!), and IVF. DH and I talked about what we would do if the IUI's don't work out. We decided that I would probably get the lap done, then go back if if it was a factor and try IUIs again a couple of times, but after that we're done. We just don't have the money for IVF, and it's not covered by insurance. I think IVF is a wonderful thing, and I think it's fabulous that the technology is available for it. And, if you told me it was even 99% certain to work the first time, I'd be right up there in line. But if this IUI business doesn't work (and theorhetically, it should), we're going to put our money and efforts towards adoption. That, of course, is at least 6-8 months away, so I am getting waaay ahead of myself, as usual. I think it is important to have a long-term plan, though.
Anyway, that is about all the rambling I'll do here for a while. I'll write again when I'm moving ahead. In the meantime, I'm going to try and not think about things for a little while. Thanks so much to all of you who have been sending positive thoughts and prayers my way. I truly feel blessed to have such support and don't know what I'd do without all of you.
Take care and positive thoughts,
Laura
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