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October 6, 2003
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What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
~Sarah McLachlan
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Hello!
Well here we are in October already. I can’t believe summer is over...we’ve had the heat on for weeks already—argh!
I am trying very hard to get into a Fall frame of mind, but it’s not happening. It seems the longer I TTC the harder the passing of seasons hits me. It’s one more summer that’s passed without a PG (well a successful one anyway) or ideally, a baby. But I’ll keep going and hoping for the best—perhaps there is an end in sight one of these days?
We’re making the most of the decent weather to get yard work done. There is always so much to do and we are running out of time. Winter will be here soon enough and then it will be too cold to be outside. But I love the snow and part of me longs for the cold days spent by the fire sipping hot chocolate and cuddling with Chris and the kitties. See, New England weather does have its perks!
In my previous entry, I mentioned that I’ve taken a less traditional path toward IF treatments. After IVF #1 failed, I decided to try acupuncture. Research has proven that it can be very effective when used in conjunction with IVF so I figured why not give it a try! I’ve been going twice a week since August and although I can’t tell if it’s “cured” me, it certainly hasn’t hurt. The needles are very small and although they do sometimes hurt a little it’s not painful—it’s sure isn’t like a date with an IUI catheter!
My acupuncturist focuses directly on my uterus and ovaries as well as my evil thyroid (my word not hers). Her take is that my problems lie within the organs and not in my brain (hormone glands etc.). I find this interesting. She also has me taking a lot of calcium because my PH is very acidic (as I write this I just got one of those horse pills stuck in my throat—joy). I have test strips and I am to check my PH at least once a day (it’s a saliva test). No matter how much calcium I consume I swear I can’t get to the perfect 7.5 mark (I’m more of a 6.0 girl). So why is being acidic an issue? Apparently, it puts you at risk for degenerative diseases and overall poor health. This also affects my fertility. Ideally, people should be alkaline.
The other thing she determine is that I was (am?) in “winter” cycle (your body should follow the seasons) when I should have been in “summer.” For which she prescribed me one hour of sun a day (hard for me because I burn with SPF 50!). I’m very sensitive and have shy tendencies which are causing my reproductive cycles to be so messed up. Basically, I need lots of calcium, sun, and a more fiery personality. Should be easy enough, right? I am trying, I swear!
She is also treating my IBS and recommended that I cut all wheat out of my diet (I did this for a month and didn’t notice a difference) and absolutely cannot drink coffee—even decaf (great my only vice—a cup of decaf—is gone). Do you know how hard it is to avoid wheat???? I was able to find cereal, bread, and pasta made with rice (pretty tasty actually), but, man, when you want a bagel rice toast doesn’t cut it! ;)
Aside from acupuncture needles and a change in diet, IVF #2 seems to be rather boring. I took my last BCP on Friday and AF has started toying with me. Today is CD 26 so I’m not sure if it’s HER or her evil dog spot dressed up like her. Perhaps they are trying out their Halloween gear early? It doesn’t really much matter either way...I’m on Lupron no matter what! I have my baseline u/s and blood tests next Tuesday and if all goes well (aka no cysts and a low E2 level) I’ll start my stims on the 17th. That’s when the cycle starts to fly by and get interesting!
In closing, the lyrics at the beginning of my entry are from one of my favorite songs. It’s absolutely haunting and although it wasn’t written about IF it sure does put into words how devastating loss—of any kind—can be. I first heard it when we were losing our beloved cat Glish to kidney failure in 2000. Since then, the song has stuck with me through many ordeals—the loss of my grandparents and now this battle to have a child. I know so many diary writers before me have explained what infertility is like and I’ve only touched upon it—side stepped it really. That’s largely due to having already gotten through the worst of the pain. Now it’s just a part of me—some days are worse than others, but I’m much better than I used to be...Anyway, the following lyrics probably explain it better than my feeble attempts can (it’s from the same song as above):
A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I’m shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you...
Until next time,
Jen
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