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March 22, 2004
Psycho Jen Strikes Again!
I started spotting last week and was obviously nervous. The nurse told me not to worry that it was just from the u/s the day before and the progesterone suppositories making things sensitive. At 5 weeks 5 days my HCG level was over 16,000--wow! So they saw no need to worry. Of course, being who I am and having been through what I have I was skeptical. The spotting came and went a few times--never amounting to much, but enough to send my overworked brain into a tailspin or two.
This morning I woke up to more spotting and a seriously low cervix. I panicked (in a calm way, I assure you) and by the time I got to my office I was in tears. I called my RE's office and asked if they could move my u/s appointment to today instead of tomorrow. They are always so kind and readily agreed.
By the time I got to my appointment I was shaking so badly that my teeth were chattering. I assure you that this is not like me. Even when I started bleeding just before my PG u/s with IVF #2 I was more in control. Dr. H was doing IVF procedures so one of the nurses did my u/s...well as luck would have it I got to the office 15 minutes early (I have issues with being late and NEED to be early) and they took me right away. Chris was en route and I was even more nervous about being alone for the bad news. My legs were shaking so badly I didn't think I'd be able to keep my feet in the stirrups.
The nurse started the u/s and instantly I saw a huge black blob and then OMG...a little flickering heart beat. She didn't even have to tell me what I was seeing. I just started crying. I mean what else could I do? The embryo is measuring perfectly at 6 weeks 4 days so that's good news too. Chris came in at this point and she showed him the beautiful sight. He saw the heartbeat and looked at me and decreed "You're a freak" (for my panic attack and all the worry). Ah, romance.
She asked what I was feeling and I can't really explain it--I just feel pain like there's a wound inside me. It's not cramping (I have that too) or anything I can really put into words. I thought maybe it was an infection or something wrong with my cervix. She told me the spotting was definitely from the suppositories, but that wouldn't explain the pain so she rooted around with the wand and found a cyst on my left ovary (small, nothing concerning) and fluid in my abdomen--both are leftovers of the IVF proceedings. She told me not to worry that it happens all the time with IVF stimulation and that's why what I was feeling felt "abnormal" and "wrong." Because in a sense it is.
I apologized for being psychotic and she said "Don't be, all of our patients are. We'd worry if you weren't." Dr. H came by to check on me and he was thrilled with the good news even though he never once had a doubt that it would be otherwise. Ah, to have his faith. He told me to call anytime I was scared, etc. They are all so kind.
So for now I am pregnant. I know that a lot of people don't get why that's hard for me to accept, but after two years of infertility treatments (most of which were complete failures) and two m/c's I'm guarded. Very guarded. As I told one nurse, I'm better at being infertile than pregnant. This is a new world for me and it's even scarier than the one I left. There's so much more to lose now.
Jen
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