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Crystal's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 3/15/02 -------------------- 3/11/02 2/25/02 2/22/02 2/13/02 2/1/02 1/28/02 1/18/02 12/15/01 11/29/01 11/26/01 11/19/01 11/14/01 11/5/01 10/8/01 8/16/01 7/5/01 6/14/01 5/25/01 5/1/01 4/24/01 4/19/01 4/5/01 4/4/01 3/25/01 3/20/01 3/4/01 2/22/01 2/9/01 2/8/01 1/29/01 1/25/01 1/15/01 1/2/01 1/1/01 12/17/00 12/7/00 12/5/00 11/21/00 11/16/00 11/7/00 10/23/00 10/18/00 10/2/00 8/30/00 8/18/00 8/15/00 8/9/00 8/2/00 8/2/00 7/26/00 7/19/00 7/11/00 7/11/00 6/20/00 6/13/00 6/6/00 5/31/00 5/16/00 5/10/00 5/1/00 4/19/00 4/12/00 3/22/00 3/14/00 3/8/00 2/29/00 2/16/00 2/7/00 2/1/00 1/25/00 1/25/00 -------------------- Crystal's Introduction

Introduction

Not much adoption news, sorry to say. I want to register our car and get our driver's licenses before we send in the paperwork, and we haven't done that yet. It will probably be the new year before that happens, but we'll get it filled out so it's ready to go once we're done.

Something personal, and somewhat adoption related: The leader of a birthparent support group I participated on committed suicide a week ago. I've been reeling ever since. She was a birthmother to two girls, in very open adoptions. The adoptive mom of her oldest recently said she wanted to cut back contact. She further said that although the two sisters had a relationship, since they were adopted by different families, she didn't consider them sisters, and was backing off from that relationship as well. The adoptive mom of the youngest girl tried to intervene, but to no avail.

I have to say there were other difficulties in my friend's life, this wasn't the only issue. She was someone without much of a support system (she had no extended family, her parents are deceased), who had been treated as family by the adoptive parents of both her girls (including surprise visits from her oldest daughter's adoptive mom) only to be told that through no fault of her own, without discussing it with her, this was going to change. I watched this young woman go from a vibrant, joyous and loving person, to withdrawn, and although I didn't know it at the time, depressed. She couldn't figure out what she had done wrong, or how she would ever explain it to her daughters.

I know that some of you here must have friends or families in adoptions, and some of you may choose to adopt, which will make adoption a lifelong issue for you, I promise. : ) There are also agencies, attorneys and facilitators out there that will lead prospective adoptive parents to believe that it's OK to tell expectant parents whatever they want to hear to encourage them to relinquish, because open adoption is not legally enforceable in most states. What they sometimes don't tell you is that there's a grieving woman (and possibly a man) on the other side of an adoption, who may not have the love, support, or resources other people take for granted. She's vulnerable, or she wouldn't be placing her child in the first place. There are other agencies that may not explain open adoption well enough, before pushing adoptive parents in that direction. They may not offer the counseling needed in the years to come to ensure the success of these relationships.

Please, do the research yourselves. Don't let anyone push you. Agree only to a minimum of whatever level of contact you can handle. Adoption agreements should only be a safety net, an outline of what each person agrees to. The rest should be a relationship based on mutual respect, admiration and affection. Most of all, take things slow. I think what was hardest on my friend is being treated as a family member, and then a couple of years down the road, have the relationship changed, without explanation. Don't let a relationship go in a direction you're not ready for, because once you take a step, it's not right to take it back without cause. Also, one of the things I hear most from families in open adoptions is the lack of support from society, friends, family, and even adoption professionals for the openness they and their children find so beneficial. If anyone -- friend, family, stranger, or a counselor - tells you to change the relationship, get a second opinion. This is just my opinion, but before any major changes in an open adoption relationship take place, all the adults involved should participate in some kind of counseling, so that neither side feels invalidated and a mutual understanding can be reached. Then it won't be as likely to feel like a one-way directive.

There may be situations where adoption agreements have to change for the protection of the child, but according to a social worker in the field of child placement who I have great respect for, it's not often necessary.

I know I'm on my soapbox here, but I'm experiencing grief right now that I can't begin to articulate. My friend was a wonderful, giving person. I can't begin to enumerate the ways in which she's made this world a better place. Being a birthparent is difficult. We're misunderstood, mistrusted, misrepresented, and aren't given much of a voice in this world. It's almost a socially acceptable prejudice. People want to see us as saints, or sinners, or sometimes both. That in and of itself is a heavy burden to bear. I think it goes back to our puritan beginnings, the expectation that birthparents should stay in the shadows. It makes losses that other people would be able to withstand unbearable for some of us.

If I could have but one wish, it's that somehow we could get to a point in this country where not only do we talk the talk about honoring birthparents, but we also walk the walk. I think that's a good starting place for preventing another senseless loss. Birthparents have stories as valuable as any other person. I hope now we can be heard. Mostly, I hope people will see the need to advocate for birthparents. I can't tell you how many pregnancy counselors have said young women won't consider adoption in this country because of the way people talk about and treat birthparents. In discussing this loss recently, someone said they didn't feel sorry for birthparents because they chose to relinquish their children. That's true, but those of us who made that choice, did so out of great love for our children, and I hope that's something deserving of respect.

On that rather depressing note, I will wish everyone a happy holiday season, and lots of baby dust. I promise, I'll keep off my soapbox for a while. : )

Crystal

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