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Courtney's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 10/21/03 -------------------- 10/11/03 9/20/03 7/30/03 7/12/03 6/24/03 6/15/03 6/7/03 5/17/03 5/5/03 4/25/03 4/6/03 3/30/03 3/10/03 2/26/03 2/15/03 2/10/03 1/26/03 1/18/03 1/12/03 1/4/03 12/15/02 12/6/02 11/27/02 11/16/02 11/6/02 10/28/02 10/24/02 10/22/02 10/6/02 9/28/02 9/15/02 9/11/02 9/3/02 8/26/02 8/11/02 8/5/02 7/15/02 6/18/02 6/6/02 5/17/02 5/15/02 4/26/02 4/5/02 3/29/02 3/17/02 3/9/02 3/1/02 2/17/02 1/5/02 12/23/01 12/3/01 11/26/01 11/19/01 11/2/01 10/20/01 10/14/01 10/2/01 9/23/01 9/13/01 9/10/01 9/1/01 8/23/01 8/14/01 7/30/01 7/21/01 7/15/01 7/7/01 7/1/01 6/27/01 6/25/01 6/21/01 6/4/01 5/28/01 5/17/01 5/8/01 4/27/01 4/20/01 4/13/01 4/6/01 3/31/01 3/24/01 3/15/01 3/1/01 2/22/01 2/15/01 2/7/01 2/1/01 1/31/01 1/30/01 1/27/01 1/23/01 1/19/01 1/16/01 1/14/01 1/10/01 1/1/01 12/26/00 12/12/00 12/5/00 11/28/00 11/21/00 11/15/00 11/9/00 10/30/00 10/24/00 10/18/00 10/10/00 10/2/00 -------------------- Courtney's Introduction

October 14, 2001

Well as the title suggests I have found these last 3 weeks to be much harder than I expected. I mislead myself to think that taking a 3 month break would be a piece of cake. I figured that 3 months without the needles for bloodwork from cd 10 until ovulation, the vaginal ultrasounds every other day to check follicle size and the trips to the REs office would be a welcome break. I must say I do not miss those things at all but it had grown to be a way of life for me. I started going to the RE back in January of this year and have been there every 2 weeks until Sept. Suddenly I don't have to call when af appears (which despite the lupron she arrive Oct 6 right on schedule and lasted for 3 long heavy days - I will explain in a minute) and I kinda miss it. I miss the nurses, the receptionist and believe it or not stumping the RE cycle after cycle. I miss discussing my latest IF trials with all of you and all the friends I have made online. I miss the positive feedback when I attempt something new or try something tried and proven. Some of you may think I am crazy for missing all that but it became a way of life for me. It was a way to keep my hope alive, to keep my spirits up when the going got tough it all helped me to plug on.

Why am I telling all of you this? Well I had a breakdown today and I had time to think of what was the source of my breakdown. I started thinking about the future and what our next step might be if the IUI and femara do not work after the lupron. It made me think of how we should start planning on the cost of IVF and how maybe we should get the ball rolling on putting some money away. I started to discuss this with dh while we prepared dinner only he seemed to tune me out. I realized after my breakdown that it was because he had heard my "money" speech over and over for the past 6 or more months but at the time his tuning me out made me feel all alone. I suddenly felt like I was facing this long road all by myself and that IF had essentially ruined my life. I began to sob and did not stop for likely 30 minutes. I cried for all the cycles I had lost in the first year before finding out something was wrong, I cried for all the cycles since then that were lost before we knew I had endo, I cried for the heartache it has brought my family as they watched me struggle with their hands tied, for my dh who still has to watch me go through this without being able to physically make my pain go away, I cried for all of that and so much more. IF has affected every aspect of my life and I am sure it will continue to do so whether I want it to or not.

I get my 2nd lupron shot Oct 22. In a way I look forward to it since it means only 28 days til my last shot. On the other hand it means another 56 days until we can start ttc again. When we were ttc I must admit I always had 2 weeks to look forward to Oing and then 2 weeks to think positively about being pg. I really always had something to look forward to in the immediate future ... Oing, pg or starting a new cycle that might lead to pg. Right now looking forward to a needle that will prolong my time not ttc doesn't seem to be working.

Remember a while back (first paragraph I think) I mentioned that my af was heavy for 3 full days and I was going to explain. Well I will end with a bit of hope on my part. Ever since stopping the bcp almost 2 years ago I have had afs that last one day of bleeding usually very light and 2 days of light spotting. My endometrium has always measured 9mm or more at the time of O. Well the past 2 cycles I have had heavy cycles ... 3 full days of bleeding just like when I was in highschool. I pray that this is a good sign and that it means my chances are getting better.

I lastly want to thank each and every one of you for reading my diary. The messages you have posted on my talk to me board have kept me going. Your positive feedback and your suggestions are wonderful. I am glad that each and everyone of you are here with me during my journey.

Love and blessings to each of you

Courtney