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September 1, 2001
A new month, new protocol, still not feeling positive.
I have settled into the feeling that I will never get pg. After reading Stacy's diary entry earlier this week I realized she said everything I have never put into words. Thank you Stacy for saying what some of us have never been able to.
This has turned out to be another dud cycle, which would explain my feeling of peace last week. I think my body was shutting down which then I didn't have any hope left to worry about getting pg. Today is cd 14 and the RE confirmed my follicle has shrunk away and my E2 has dropped back to near nothing. I will not O this cycle and just have to wait for af to appear. I am encouraged to be trying a new medicine. It doesn't seem to popular yet and I hope it works for me. It is called Femara and is generally used for women in menopause who have breast cancer and has recently been used for women with endometriosis. It does not impact estrogen therefore does not cause lining issues like clomid does. My RE feels that in the near future it will phase out clomid since the side effects are much less and the drug is purged from the body in a day where as clomid sticks around for several months.
If anyone has tried Femara please post your experience on my board I would love to hear your stories.
Tomorrow we are having a street BBQ since the last house on our street is being constructed (we built a house last summer in a newly developing neighbourhood). I think it will be neat me meet everyone, many have small children. Our immediate neighbour to the south of us is 9 months pg and due on Wednesday. I find it exciting and fasinating that she is that close to holding her baby. I must admit I have known many pg people but never been close enough (my own doing) to understand what they go through. I think in the past I have distanced myself from pg women to avoid any feelings of pity on my part. I recently have started to want to spend time around pg people and find out what they are going through since I may never experience it myself.
We are nearing the 2 year mark with no ++ yet. I am tired of hearing that it will happen one day or that God has a plan. I do believe that certain things are meant to be but I don't believe that God would ever cause a crack addict to get pg and have 10 babies addicted to crack and stop an infertile woman from conceiving. That just does not make sense. I think there are things in this world that can't be explained. It is all fine and dandy when those words come from someone that has what they wished for but for someone that has run into walls their entire life to have the one thing they have always wanted kept from them is cruel. Sorry for sounding bitter but I think the preaf hormones are taking over.
I will end it here and just say that my heart goes out to all infertile couples. I know what you are going through and I am living it everyday of my life. May someday there be a cure for infertility!
Courtney
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