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Home › Diaries › Corinne C's › December 5, 2000

Corinne C's Diary Entries

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December 5, 2000

TTC # 1 C 15, CD 1

For those of you who follow along on my "Talk to Me" board, you know that after two rough days (which I will get into in a minute), I said I was too depressed to write an entry this week. Well, I decided I was going to stop being a big, fat baby and stop wallowing in my self-pity and write this entry. So here it goes.

TTC Status

First Rough Day: Last Thursday I had a horrible RE appointment that left me crying the entire way home. Horrible, I say. Basically, I met with the RE to discuss my options because I will be moving from CT, etc., etc., and he decides then to tell me that he noticed in my last ultrasound that my left ovary appears to be stuck behind/stuck to my uterus and that it could be scar tissue but he's not sure from what. He said it might be endometriosis, but we would need to do a laparoscopy, etc., etc., to be sure and he concluded by saying that for someone with my type of infertility (unexplained), the best option would be probably be IVF. And he says this last bit as if he were talking about buying a box of Twinkies. Well, guess what. Charles and I are not rich nor do we have insurance to cover the cost of IVF. Therefore, it looks like Charles and I are destined to remain childless if IVF is our only solution. If IVF is indeed the only option left for me, I think it could be a sign from God to let it go, I'm just not meant to be a parent. I am so distraught right now, I just can't believe this. There is apparently nothing wrong with me, but yet, IVF seems to be the only answer. How did I end up here? And at the risk of sounding sorry for myself, which I TOTALLY am right now, what in God's name did I (or anyone else for that matter) do to deserve this?

Second Rough Day: Yesterday I went to the RE to learn how to do the hCG injection and of course, being day 28 of my cycle and still no AF, they made me take a blood test to see if I was PG. I was praying so hard that I would be PG and not have to do the injection -- you have no idea how hard I was praying!!!! I didn't mention anything about having blood drawn on my boards because I was hoping by some miracle that I would have some good news to report. I went back to work, waiting on pins and needles for the nurse to call as she said she would call me by 3:30 with the results. 4 p.m. rolls around, no call. At 4:15 the phone rang but I was on the other line. When I got off, I called in my voice mail and the nurse leaves this message saying exactly this, and I will probably never forget these words as long as I live (and before you get all happy and excited -- don't, you are wasting your time): "Well, Corinne, I wish I had better news but the test was a negative, I'm sorry. Also, your progesterone was low so you should start to bleed very soon, either in the next couple of hours or tomorrow. So, please call us after you get your period so we can set up an ultrasound appointment on day 11 of your cycle. Good-bye ..."

I was so down last night, I don't ever remember being more down. I know I said that I didn't think I was PG, but as you all know, as the 2 WW draws to a close, we still always get that last glimmer of hope. So, needless to say, I was beyond devastated. I was (secretly) so sure that the second time (IUI) would work. And the way I felt this time around was so different than all of the other times. I mean, I had no PG symptoms but then again, I had no AF symptoms either. Just goes to show what games your mind can play on you. Anyway, I was sitting at my desk crying all afternoon and all I wanted was Charles but of course, he is not here to comfort me (he's away on a business trip) so I had to rely on my own mental strength, which I must admit is a scary substitute. I was so depressed, I just drove around in my car in the dark and I went to a diner with a book to try to forget.

That was a stupid idea, how the hell can I ever forget any of this? I wish there were some way I could simply forget for even a stinking hour, like a temporary state of amnesia, so that I would have some reprieve from my pain. Thank God I am not a drinker, or I would be headed straight for a future filled with AA meetings.

All in all, now that I think about it, it wasn't just the negative PG test, it was way more than that that upset me. It was really knowing that this crap will still not be over with when I move to Va. in two weeks. I had so wanted to change my life and move and leave all my nightmares behind in Conn. So many crappy things have happened to me in Conn., things that make me glad I am leaving and things that make me never want to go back. One of the worst things I experienced in Conn., almost as painful as this TTC nightmare, was my troll of an ex-husband and the divorce that followed. Law school and taking the bar exam do not exactly conjure up fond memories either. All this to say, I wanted a fresh start in Va., with a new OB/GYN who would help me bring my beautiful new baby into this world. Now I've got to start this whole mess all over again right from scratch. I have to do this while at the same time performing well on a new job where I can't afford to take time off to go to doctor appointments left and right. Sigh. Well, no one promised me life was going to be easy, now did they?

The Game Plan
The next plan of action at this point is to do an IUI this cycle with 100 mg of Clomid and the hCG injection. So, on day 11 of my cycle I will go in to have an ultrasound to check for my follicle size. If the follicles look good, then they will instruct me to give myself the shot (they said they may even do it for me) and then I would come in two days later for the IUI.

As I mentioned in my last entry, I had already ovulated when they did the IUI this last time, even though I had read the OPK test results correctly. When I met with my RE on the 30th, I mentioned a concern of mine regarding this early, or quick as it may be, ovulation. My thoughts were this: At my RE's office, they do not do IUIs on Sundays or on holidays. Therefore, they instruct you NOT to bother doing an OPK test on Saturday nights because you would be unable to come in Sunday for the IUI anyway. They instruct you to test Sunday and come in Monday if it's positive. For these past two IUIs that I have had, I always got a positive on the Sunday night indicating ovulation should occur Monday. Both times, I could feel myself beginning to ovulate within hours of getting that positive, i.e., late Sunday night.

Well, here's what I think. Since these past two cycles, it appears I have already ovulated by the time I go in for the IUI on Monday, how much do you want to bet that if I had tested on Saturday night, I would have gotten a positive on that OPK? I bet any amount of money that a large part of why these past two IUIs haven't worked is because I missed the proper timing by a day. If I could have just had the IUI on Sunday morning, my chances would have been greatly increased. Well, I told my thoughts to the RE and surprisingly enough, he agreed. Actually, what he said was, "You know, I never thought of that, but I think you're right." So glad to know that I'm paying this fool so that I can think for him. Warms the cockles of my heart, it really does.

Anyway, I am now at the FIGHT BACK portion of the cycle where I will do my damndest to hurry along through this stupid AF, expel every last reminder of the child that was not meant to be (nice visual, huh?) and start again with the lovely Clomid and get my ovaries in gear. Then I will prick myself like the stuck pig that I am with the glorious (or so I hope) wonder drug hCG and go in for the IUI that I hope will be perfectly timed and produce a happy and healthy nine month PG as well as happy, healthy baby.

OK, enough of this technical medical talk. I'm sick of it, let's chat!

My Parents
I finally told my dad about this whole TTC stuff. My mom already knew everything but my dad had no clue -- he's not the type you could discuss this stuff with. He doesn't deal well with bodily functions. When I got my period at 14, my mom told my dad about it and he damn near had a coronary. When he saw a training bra of mine in the laundry basket at age 15, my father had to go lie down. (Yes, I was 15 and still wearing a training bra, even though Band-Aids probably would have been sufficient.)

Needless to say, there was no way in hell I would discuss this topic with him. However, after a while I just felt I had to tell him, which I did and he was extremely and surprisingly supportive. Of course, I left out all the gory details but just supplied him with the nuts and bolts of the whole story. Fast forward two weeks later and I called my mom to tell her about that RE appointment. She tells me then that the other night she and my dad are sitting watching a re-run of "Murphy Brown" and it's the episode where Murphy has just given birth to her son and she is singing to him. It is a very touching scene and I think has the ability to move even the most "manly" man to tears. Well, my dad is a big softie anyway, so he starts crying and my mom is also crying, 1) because it is so sad and touching and 2) because they are thinking of me and how they both want so badly for me to be happy and to get what I want in life.

Isn't it amazing how your parents can't be happy if you are not happy? That is just so wonderful and incredible to me. My mom said that my dad turned to her and said, "You are really ready for a grandchild, aren't you?" And my mom said that yes, for the first time in her life, she really felt settled and ready. She then asked him the same question and much to my astonishment, my dad's answer was "I simply can't wait." Of course, this makes me happy but so sad at the same time because I feel like such a reject failure that I can't even perform the simplest of bodily functions (OK, well, maybe not the simplest) and give me, my husband and my parents what we are dying to have: a new baby. My father's response was most touching to me because he has always professed he was not ready for grandkids, he's too young, etc., etc. My dad is pretty vain for a 63-year-old (my mom is 64) and neither of my parents were ever the type to be chomping at the bit for a grandchild. It was sort of a non-issue because they were never really "baby" people, even with me. They like older kids with more personality. Please don't misunderstand me, they love babies too and were great parents to me, but they don't go gaga over infants the way some people do.

My point is that now more than ever the entire family is ready for the addition of a baby and it still hasn't happened. It's a rough realization, you know? To think you are the sole reason people are not getting what they want in life. What a burden to bear. I read so often when people get PG, they come up with all these creative ways to tell their moms, their dads, their families and it's all so wonderful and glorious to them. And then I sit back and wonder, will I ever get to do that? And the thing is, I don't even care if there's no creativity in the telling, I just want to scream it from the rooftops! I want to be bold and blunt, no game playing. I don't have the luxury of those extras anymore, all I care about is that end result. I just hope my day actually comes ...

I am sorry to have gone on so long about this depressing topic for my entire entry. I said I wasn't going to be so negative and sarcastic from now on but I got a lot of emails and posts telling me to stay just the way I am and you know what? I think those people who told me to stay the way I am are right! I wouldn't be me if I wasn't negative and sarcastic, plus, then you wouldn't laugh as much and then you wouldn't want to read my diary anymore. I can't have that?(smile) So thank you to all of you who told me you loved my diary just the way it is. I truly appreciate your support. And I vow that the next entry will not be as depressing as this one, I am sorry about that, but I needed to get that all off my chest in the worst way.

I apologize for having no movie review this week. Charles and I didn't go to the movies, if you can believe that. We were so busy running around buying Christmas decorations, Christmas gifts and our tree that we were always so exhausted by nighttime. We must have run all over creation this past weekend looking for an angel for our tree and still haven't found one. Every angel we saw looked like it belonged on the hood of a drug dealer's car, sprayed with gold paint and completely tacky. Still haven't found a decent angel. Any ideas on where to go?

Of course, Charles and I couldn't be any more stupid. We buy this big-ass tree (almost 10 feet tall and 5 feet wide) on Sunday night, knowing that I will be gone until late Thursday night and that Charles will be on a business trip until Thursday afternoon. Gee, think the tree will die? I do! When we realized this, I felt so bad for the poor tree (it has feelings too) that I really got upset over our carelessness so finally we just decided to ask one of Charles' staff if they would mind coming to our house every day and watering the tree. Pathetic, isn't it? Thank God this person was nice enough to do it. That tree drinks water like a camel.

When we first put the tree up, we put a gallon of water in the tree stand. We left to go to Charles' company holiday party in Georgetown and were back four hours later. When I checked the tree upon our return home, the well was bone dry. Nice, real nice. So hopefully, if the tree gets watered once a day, that will be sufficient. I have this sinking feeling that we will be coming home Thursday night to Charlie Brown's Christmas with nothing more than a brown withered branch sticking out of the stand.

Voices to Faces
Finally, I talked on the phone this week with Dawn S., Tammy W. and Nino and it was so great finally being able to put a voice to the face. Thanks you guys for being there for me when I was so down and out and thanks to everyone who posted on my board all those words of encouragement. It helps a lot to see that people are even thinking about you, let alone that they care.

OK, now I am really going, I promise. Hope you all have a good week. Hugs and lots of positive energy,
Corinne



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