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Home › Diaries › Corinne C's › October 30, 2000

Corinne C's Diary Entries

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October 30, 2000

TTC #1, C 13, CD22

Hi all,
What a long, exhausting week! Well, let's see, where do I start?

Wednesday night I flew to Va. because I had two interviews scheduled for both Thursday and Friday, respectively. Thursday I had an interview with an insurance company in DC/Metro area. Let me just say it sucked. The interview itself went very well -- it was the job that I think I would hate. First of all, the place was so stuffy and so formal, it reminded me completely of a law firm, which you all know by now that I despise. Plus, it seems like the schedule would be those 16-hour days I once mentioned. I don't think so. If I wanted a law firm environment, I would have gone that route when I first got out of school, but I am certainly not going to start that nonsense now. This company pays more than I make but not enough to justify signing my life away. It's too bad because I am sure it would be a good job for someone who wants to be a slave to their job, but that is definitely not me.

Friday I had an interview with a company I totally loved located in Arlington. It was for a position as a legal recruiter/consultant where I would be placing partners and senior associates in some of the top firms in Washington, DC. But the best part is the money. The base salary would be what I currently make now, plus bonus and commission! That interview went extremely well and I simply loved all the people there. I don't think the hours would be bad either, but even if they were long, at least the job seemed very interesting and fun. What's more, I think the position is one in which I would most definitely excel. The people who I interviewed with asked me if I could come in for a second interview on Nov. 6, so of course I happily agreed. God, I would be so happy if I got this job. It would alleviate so much of the stress in my life right now. The bad news is (and you know there had to be some) that the headhunter who got me the interview with the insurance company told me that the feedback he got from the people I met with was very positive and that they would be making me an offer this week. Well, I don't have until this week. I still have to go to the second interview for the recruiter position, which is the job I really want. However, what happens if I turn down the insurance job and then don't get the recruiter position? Then I am really @&!#@ outta luck!

Oh well, I'll just take it day-by-day and see what happens.

So, because I interviewed on Thursday and Friday, I was so drained and exhausted that I just did nothing those afternoons after coming home. I did do a lot of unpacking and decorating that I had been putting off, so that was a feeling of accomplishment, at least. We just bought a lot of new furniture (we are furniture addicts, as you can imagine) so I had to position everything just right which basically took all of Friday afternoon. It is sad really, we have so much furniture. Our place is so crammed you can barely walk! But the thing is, if you can get all that furniture for 40 percent off, you just have to buy it. How can you pass it up????

Friday was Charles' birthday and we went out to dinner at a Japanese restaurant. Charles and I absolutely love sushi but it is something I have been refraining from eating since TTC. I read once somewhere that they did this study on the fertility of cats and what they did was they fed all these cats soy and soy products. When the cats mated, their fertility rates were very low. The minute they started feeding the cats non-soy-related products, their fertility levels soared. So, the author of this book (I think it is called "Getting Pregnant: all you need to know" by Niels Laursen,) advises against eating anything with soy as it might inhibit your fertility. After reading that, I swore off sushi, miso soup and soy sauce. Well, after the unsuccessful IUI, (or so I think) my attitude was basically like "Screw it," so we went and had sushi anyway. I am tired of scheduling my life around getting PG.

After dinner, we went to see "The Blair Witch 2." OK, here I go again with my weekly movie review/critique: The producers and directors of this movie should be hung in a public square and horsewhipped for having the audacity to charge me $8.75 to watch that utter crap. That movie was so bad, I would have preferred spending the hour and a half shoving rusty nails through my temple. It certainly would have been less painful. I can't even tell you what the movie was about, it was so awful. There was no plot, the acting and dialogue couldn't have been worse if it were written by a junior high drama class, and there was not even a faint resemblance to the first Blair Witch. In conclusion, let me just say that when a movie ends and all you can hear are utterings of "That movie SUCKED!" this is probably not a movie you can safely recommend to your friends. But if you don't want to take my word for it, go see it, you all can decide for yourselves. Let me know what you think ...

Now, on to the good stuff. First of all, I am currently 7 DPO, 7DPIUI and in the dreaded 2 WW. However, I am so depressed because I have already been having albeit mild, period-like cramps which feel completely familiar, so I am almost positively convinced that the IUI was unsuccessful. I was really upset about this prospect this past weekend but I have since gotten over it. I am sure I will resume my misery next week when AF arrives (she is due on Nov. 16). I can't believe this though -- how can this not work??? I know how it can't work, I just can't believe it. I knew there was a good chance it wouldn't take, but I was still hoping.

The thing is I KNOW I am not PG, I can feel it. I have NO symptoms whatsoever, no sore breasts, (except for the nipples which are sore and tender, but that is probably due to AF), I am not sleepy, I don't feel nauseous, nothing. Charles keeps telling me that a week after the IUI is too early to feel something, but I disagree. He says we should just feel fortunate that we have the opportunity to go through it again. I do feel fortunate about that, I really do, but still, the sense of failure on my part is overwhelming. What did I do wrong? What did I not do? I was so depressed about it this whole weekend that I totally blew off Weight Watchers and ate whatever I felt like eating. Stupid, I know, but I was so sad.

I guess I forgot to mention that I do Weight Watchers. I am 5 feet, 10 and a half inches and when I got married I weighed about 145 ( still 10 pounds above my goal weight). I was unhappy about that weight as it was, but when we started TTC, I of course said to myself, "Oh, I am going to get PG real soon and get fat anyway, so I can eat whatever I want," or "I might affect my ovulation if I try to drop weight, so I won't diet at all." Stupid, stupid, stupid girl I am. Well, after I ballooned up to 165 I said, that's it, I have got to get this weight off. I am now down to 153, which I am still not happy about, but at least it is better than it was. And let me just say, now that I am in my thirties, I can most definitely detect the change in my metabolism. If I wanted to lose weight when I was in my twenties, as long as I didn't eat KFC and pasta, I could pretty easily take the weight off. Now, I have to work at it, literally I have to work my ass off. Aging is just the worst. The thing that is bad about being tall is when you lose weight, it takes you longer to see the difference. I don't feel I look any different, though I went down a size at least. Of course, I have now ruined myself for weigh-in this week (I go on Thursday nights). Sigh. Will I ever learn?

Oh, another thing I wanted to mention regards the use of a syringe to either 1) insert egg whites into the vagina or 2) insert semen into the vagina. I was reading an article this weekend that says it can be very dangerous if you try to use a syringe to insert anything into the vagina. The problem is that you can accidentally suck up air into the syringe and if air is forced out of the syringe into your vagina, you can cause severe and irreparable damage to your reproductive organs and sometimes the results can even be fatal. The reason I mention this is because a former preconception diary writer, (I don't remember her name) said that to get PG she had her husband masturbate into a cup and then she used a syringe to suck out the specimen and insert it into her vagina in order to ensure that the sperm really got way up inside of her. After reading this, Charles and I tried this technique (an obvious act of desperation), which as you can see, yielded no results. After reading about the dangers of doing this, I strongly urge you to reconsider doing this to yourself (if you were ever considering it) as you may cause yourself more harm than good. Just thought I would let you know.

Well, tomorrow is my first anniversary. Charles and I won't be together, of course, and I am very sad about that, but he said he will call me and we will relive every moment of our wedding and honeymoon. Sweet. Let's just hope some of that sweetness spills out into a florist shop tomorrow morning. No, but seriously, after coming out of a really bad first marriage, I have come to realize that the important thing is not the material items you give each other or the amount of time you are able to spend together, but the degree of love and respect and friendship that you maintain during those darkest hours of your existence. Though I am very sad that I believe I am once again not PG, I take much comfort in knowing that I am married to a man who took his wedding vows seriously. I don't remember the vows exactly but I do remember certain parts which were particularly nontraditional. They went something like this:

"I, Charles, promise to love you, Corinne and hold you and comfort you, to be your friend and to always be affectionate with you. I will respect you and promise to be there for you even on your worst day."

This was just a brief portion of the ceremony, but you get the point. The words were so beautiful at the time, I almost broke down right there in front of everyone, because even then, I knew that he would always honor his vows and do everything in his power to make me very happy. So instead of being negative and in a state of depression over something I can't change, I will dedicate my anniversary week to reflecting on how very fortunate I am to have Charles in my life and will console myself with that alone.

Until next week, much PG dust and positive energy to all of you,
Love,
Corinne

Part II

TTC# 1, C 13, CD 22

OK, I had to write yet another entry today before the deadline because I forgot to add something else for this week. I know you are all like, God, does this girl ever shut up??? I do, actually. However, I just wanted to say that writing these diaries even for this short amount of time has helped me tremendously. What a wonderful support group you all have been, I cannot thank you enough. I tend to be both 1) a pessimist and 2) a cynic and I need "normal" people such as yourselves to keep me sane every now and again. So, I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you SO MUCH for being there for me and for posting on my "Talk to Me" board and for all your kind words. Every morning when I log on and see new messages from you all, it does me such a world of good.

This past Wednesday night, I got home (Va.) and raced upstairs to go log onto the computer. I was checking my email and I got this very long, kind, sweet and caring message from a girl in Australia who had read my diary and identified with it. Oddly enough, her name is also Corrine, spelled differently, but pronounced the same. We have been corresponding back and forth all weekend and she is really great and to think, I never would have "met" her if it hadn't been for these diaries. Hi Corrine, how are you? Write me when you have a free moment, OK? And in some weird way, as long as I eventually do get PG in the near future, if this is what it takes to "meet" all you fabulous women out there, then it was probably well worth the wait.

Finally, I just wanted to ask your opinion about something. Is it just me or did you ever notice that the pictures of us on the boards, when posted, look NOTHING like the pictures of us that we scan in ourselves and that are close ups? I am always dumbfounded after seeing a wedding picture next to a diary name only to months later see the person in a more recent picture they attached, and the person looks like a completely different individual. Funny, huh?

I wish that there was a way we could all meet, some sort of Preconception Annual Gathering. It would be very weird for me though because I have been reading all your diaries for so long it's sort of like knowing the characters of a movie. So if I were to meet you in person, it would be that same kind of wonderment you would get meeting a movie star -- is that strange what I am saying? (Of course, I have to tie everything into the movies). Do you know what I mean, though?

Oh well, enough of my inane babbling.

OK, the last thing I want to tell you about is a situation I am sure you can all relate to: a few weeks ago we had a baby shower for a girl at work. As luck would have it, I was the poor slob designated as the official card holder so that people could come and sign the card at their leisure at my desk. The card has a cartoon with two cats (mama & papa cat) and the mama cat has this huge stomach. Well, this one girl who came over to sign the card had just announced she was PG a few weeks before. She looks at the card, puts her hand to her mouth in mock terror, giggles stupidly and declares, "Oh my goodness! Is that what I'm going to look like when I'M about to go into labor? Giggle, giggle tee hee, tee hee." Now I ask you, if I were to body slam her into next week, is there a jury out there who would convict me? I don't think so. Of course, this fool finds it necessary to track me down at some point every day and give me her latest little PG update. She never says things like "I feel sick, I feel tired." Oh no, it's more like "Uh-oh, little Junior is giving Mommy a tummy ache!" or "Oh no, Mommy's getting very sleepy." Ugh. Puh-yuke, I say. The thing is, if I were already PG or if I already had five kids, this sort of dialogue would nauseate me anyway. Talk about clueless. I cannot stand what my dad likes to refer to as "The Ditzy Broad." She is also the type who though she was only eight weeks along, decided that a pup tent is the only thing she can fit into these days, i.e., she looks ridiculous. She rubs her stomach constantly, (another thing I hate -- your stomach is not a magic lamp, for God's sake) and keeps saying how big she is. It takes me every ounce of self-restraint not to shout, "The only stomach you've got comes from that cheeseburger and doughnut diet you've been pushing, who are you kidding???"

It's not like I am lying. Aren't I so mean? I really hate that I have turned into such a bitter person, but come on, don't you think I am just a little bit right? Surely you all can understand. Just so you know, I have lots of friends who are PG who I am very happy for and I am very into their pregnancies. I don't want you to think I am some heartless creature. But you take someone like this who constantly shoves it in your face and you lose all sense of logic and fairness. Well, I will do my best to combat it, I promise, before you all kick me off these boards. I just had to vent to prevent myself from bursting into tears. One thing that these sort of situations have taught is that when I finally do get PG, I will be SO INCREDIBLY SENSITIVE to how others may react to my pregnancy. I will NEVER shove it in their faces and make them as miserable as I have been made to be, that's for sure.

Well, that's all for now. After rereading what I just wrote, I am debating whether to change it. I sound like such a bitch. Oh well, I guess I'll just leave it and pray I am not barraged with "You're so mean," posts. What would be the point of changing it, really? I shouldn't try to be something I'm not -- and that is, honest about my feelings.

Best of luck to all you out there TTC, all you currently in your 2 WW, and all of you who have had or will have procedures done. I will pray for you all. And for those of you just there for support, thanks for reading. Until next week.

Love you,
Corinne



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