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Home › Diaries › Corinne C's › October 23, 2000

Corinne C's Diary Entries

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October 23, 2000

C 13, CD 15

Hi everyone! Hope you all had a very nice fall weekend.

My weekend was pretty good. Charles flew up here this time because we anticipated that I should ovulate at some point over the week-end and we would obviously need him up here in Conn. to deliver the "specimen" that would be used for the IUI. Otherwise, I would have flown down to Va., as I so prefer to be down there. So, as his plane was scheduled to come in late, I went out to dinner Friday night with a girlfriend of mine and had an absolutely wonderful time. These days, my time is so limited that I never seem to be able to see my friends anymore, so this was a nice break from my constant daily grind. After dinner, I went to the airport around midnight, picked up Charles and we went home and went straight to bed because we were both exhausted.

Now mind you, as soon as we get in bed, Charles is snoring away and I am lying awake worrying. Why was I worrying? Well, because that same morning, I had called the doctor's office to ask them if I could schedule an appointment to have Charles' specimen frozen in the event that I ovulated later than Monday, the day Charles would be flying back to Va. When I asked them if this could be done, the nurse practitioner (NP) asked me what the results were of Charles' SA. I told her I didn't know because no one had called to notify me of the results. The NP said this was probably a good sign because they usually only notify you when the results are bad, but she also said that she had to know the results because if they weren't good, the specimen wouldn't withstand being frozen.

So of course, as she goes off to find the results, I am totally sweating bullets. She comes back on the phone, rustling all of her little papers and she says to me "O-kayyeee, let's see ... " (Already I am not liking the sound of that!) "Well, his count is good, it's 37 million." 37 million didn't seem too bad, but based upon all that I have read it certainly was not a high number. But I could live with it. Then she says, "With regard to morphology, we consider normal to be 14 percent and Charles' was 13.9 percent." At this point, I start to panic, but she tells me to calm down so I listen some more. She says, "Now, we consider normal motility to be 40 to 50 percent, and Charles' is 30. Well, at that point I lost it. Now, I know you all probably think I am overreacting but I just got so upset to hear he wasn't at normal level that I freaked. The NP said that this was a fine result and that they see much, much worse results with samples that still get people pregnant. But me being Negative Nellie, all I could hear was 30 percent echoing over and over in my mind, and I couldn't stop thinking about how this wasn't normal. So after I got off the phone with the NP, I started thinking, "Well no wonder I didn't get PG, those little sperm couldn't swim fast or far or long enough to make it all the way to my egg. In a way, it was relief to know what may actually be the potential problem, but on the other hand I just was so worried that my worst fears had been confirmed.

So, I made the decision (upon the advice of the NP) not to tell Charles of the results because 1) they are fine results, not perfect, but perfectly fine, especially for his age. (Also, I forgot to mention that the night before he had given the specimen, he had left Va. at 2 a.m. to drive to Conn. to give his specimen at 9 a.m. They say lack of sleep and stress can affect everything so I am hoping that the specimen used in the IUI is better). And 2) Even if I tell Charles the results are normal, he will stress and worry that he is somehow responsible for me not getting PG, which we all know is not necessarily the case. I do not want him to worry at all because it isn't his fault and worrying, as we all know by now, serves no purpose.

So, despite what I just said, I lay awake in bed worrying about the SA results and how I would keep them from Charles, but mainly I worried that I still had not gotten a + from my OPK. Normally, I ovulate on day 13 or 14. Well, my fertility monitor still hadn't registered a peak reading by day 14 (Sunday) and the old-fashioned OPK didn't even show a line at all! So, I was very worried that I wouldn't ovulate before Monday. If I didn't ovulate before Monday, Charles had an appointment to leave a specimen to be frozen for later use. The only problem with that, other than the diminished potency issue, would be the fact that I had to ovulate before Wednesday since I myself would be leaving to go to Va. on Wednesday night (I have interviews scheduled for both Thursday and Friday). There would be no way in hell that I could cancel or reschedule these interviews since I really need to find a job. But on the other hand, I had invested so much emotional insanity and pain into this whole infertility thing, and I really don't have much time before I move to Va. permanently, that I would be unwilling to throw away my only chances at conceiving with professional help. Finally, I just fell asleep because I couldn't worry any longer.

In the morning though, when I woke up, I started thinking about it all again and how we have barely just begun with all this stuff and how far we may have to go, and I started crying. Charles just held me in bed like he is so good at doing and told me that it will all work out, you just have to believe it will, hence the term "blind faith." I am so lucky to have him.

Saturday morning we got up late and just lazed around the house. We left the house around noon, went out to lunch and then went to the hairdresser and we both got our hair cut. After that, we went to the mall to find me a suit, (I always like a new one when I interview) and then we went to the movies to see, and I don't want you to laugh me off the boards for this, "The Ladies Man," with Tim Meadows from SNL. Why did we go see this insipid, sophomoric, completely ridiculous film? Because we both felt we needed a night of total mindless and silly entertainment. Well, let me just say, we got it. I would not recommend this film to most people unless you have a personality where you just love pure silliness and stupidity. Actually, Charles and I both were very entertained by the sheer stupidity of this film and I think we spent the rest of that weekend looking at each other with a simple grin and saying, "Leon Phelps, The Ladies' Man!" and laughing our heads off. Great parents we'll make, huh?

Sunday, we just ran errands, washed the car, did laundry, had dinner out and rented two movies (I mentioned to you that Charles and I are movie fanatics) ... we rented "Keeping the Faith" with Ben Stiller (little wormy troll), Ed Norton and Jenna Elfman. Cute movie, not great, but OK if you are bored. Definitely a rental.

We also rented "28 Days," with Sandra Bullock. This movie was too stupid for film. I know I have no right labeling a film stupid when I have just admitted that I willingly paid to see "The Ladies' Man," but this movie should have won the "Best Overacting" award. The only good part of the entire movie was when Sandra Bullock ruins her sister's wedding in her drunken stupor. My assessment: Don't rent it unless you are a hard core Sandra Bullock fan. Her acting style in this film reminds me of the Brady Bunch episode where the Bradys engaged the services of weird Cousin Myrna to teach them how to be "motivated" when acting in a TV commercial. In summation, I thought her interpretation of an alcoholic was inaccurate and that the movie sucked, but that's just my opinion. I know a lot of people who loved it.

So that was essentially my weekend. The best part of the whole weekend was when I got a + on day 15 (late Sunday night) from my OPK. All my fears about not ovulating before I leave for Va. were completely erased. All night long I kept waking up feeling the pain of ovulation coursing through my side. For once, it was a quite joyous sensation. Early this morning, Charles got up and went to the office to give his specimen. I went to work for a few hours and then headed over to the doctor myself for the IUI. I was totally nervous because I just couldn't believe that all this was happening.

In the waiting room with me were three other women all waiting for the same reason as I. As I looked at the four of us, I couldn't help but think of the statistics -- that out of all four of us, only one of us would probably leave here PG. That depressed me so much, not just for me but the other women as well, that I just tried to focus on the TV in the waiting room.

The IUI itself is a completely nothing experience. When I say nothing, I mean as far as being uncomfortable. The only uncomfortable part of the whole thing was when the NP asked me to verify that the name on the specimen vial was indeed my husband's. The problem to me is this: yes, the name on the vial was my husband's but how does that alleviate the potential risk that the wrong specimen got into the vial with my husband's name on it??? Or how does that take into account that some NP who hadn't yet had her morning coffee totally vegged out and put the "Chappelle" label onto the vial that had the "Smith" sperm in it? I try not to torture myself too much with things that are out of my control, but as you can all tell by now, I am a nut and this is very hard for me not to do.

The NP first did an ultrasound to scan for multiple eggs/follicles. She asked me what my position would be if I were to become PG with multiples. I told her I didn't care if there were four in there so long as I got PG. As she is using the "wand" to scan around inside of me to check for the follicles, she says after about three minutes of searching that she is not seeing anything. I of course, freak and she says that I shouldn't worry because I have probably the best timing ever. She said that I probably had just ovulated, that my egg had probably already been released and if that is the case, the egg is already on its way to meet the sperm which is the best timing you could possibly ask for. So, that made me slightly happy, but being no fool, I didn't get but so happy because the bottom line is, timing or no timing, none of it matters if I am still childless come July.

After the ultrasound, she used this catheter doohickey to put the sperm inside of me and I just lied there afterward for a half hour or so with my hips elevated. The NP told me 10 minutes would be sufficient but that I could stay as long as I wanted. Being Anal Alice, I stayed for a half hour and read a book. After that, I went down to the lab and had some blood drawn so they could check to make sure I had ovulated. I am pretty sure that I did because I could feel the pain of the egg traveling early this morning -- what else could that pain have been? I didn't have a cyst or anything, right? I then left the doctor's and went and got lunch. I ate it in my car while I read my book and just relaxed and tried to think positive thoughts.

After lunch, I came back to work and have been here ever since. I can't stop thinking about it though, you know? I tried to visualize the sperm sitting there and nibbling at my egg. I tried to visualize penetration of the sperm into the egg. Most of all, I kept trying to visualize getting a positive PG test and telling people all about it. One might say this is only getting my hopes up unnecessarily but if we don't have hope, what do we really have in life?

I have about a half hour left until I go home. I normally go to the gym after work (we have a gym right in the building) but today, I just don't feel like it. I want to go home and fall dead asleep. I want to just imagine over and over again in my mind what it would be like to hold my own baby, not somebody else's that I am babysitting for the day, but my own. After today, that may become a reality for me. Will you all pray for me, please? I am a strong believer in the power of prayer and with all of your help, maybe God will hear me this time. Or then again, maybe He has always heard me, but didn't feel the time was right to answer my prayers. Maybe now is the time. What do you think?

Thanks girls, here's to praying that we all have a +++++ month. I love ya.

Corinne



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