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Home › Diaries › Corinne C's › October 19, 2000

Corinne C's Diary Entries

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October 19, 2000

TTC #1 C13 CD11

OK girls, we've got a lot of catching up to do. Since we last spoke, quite a few things have transpired. I am not pregnant (yet, but let's keep praying) but, I am hopefully on my way. The three things I want to address in this entry are:
1) the sperm analysis
2) the Clomid
3) the HSG

Here's what's going on:
Sperm analysis: In my last entry, Charles was about to go in for his SA. We had joked a lot about it the night before he went but the reality of it was a much different experience than either of us had imagined. So, on Oct. 6 we went to the doctor so Charles could "do his thing." After about 20 minutes of nerve-wracking waiting, the nurse called Charles to come into the office and off he went. As he left me I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face, which basically resembled that of my cat right before we took him to get neutered. Charles came out 15 minutes later with no expression on his face. For a minute, I thought he hadn't been able to do it. Then he said, "Let's go, we'll talk in the car." When we got inside the car, I was like "What? What?" He turned to me with this look of utter revulsion and replied that it was the most humiliating experience of his life.

Now, it's not that I don't have any compassion for what he went through, but I was really thinking "Honey, if that's your most humiliating experience, you must have been born yesterday!" Needless to say, I kept my thoughts to myself. He continued on by saying that the room he was in consisted of this tiny little closet with a plastic sofa with a VCR and movies and porn magazines and, of all things, a Victoria's Secret catalog. (God -- what sicko gets off on looking at that????) Anyway, Charles said he could hear people walking by the room and he could also hear laughter (which he swears was directed at him) and that it was the worst thing ever. When he came out with his cup, the nurses just pointed to a bin on the counter and told him to leave it there. They certainly didn't jump at the chance to handle his specimen, that's for sure, and I can't say I blame them.

So, we went home at that point and while we had originally planned to do all sorts of things that afternoon, all Charles wanted to do was go home. When we got home, Charles and I lied on our bed and just stared at the ceiling. Finally, I asked him if he was OK and I told him that I was sorry he had had to go through this. He said that yes, he was OK, that nothing was wrong and that he didn't mean to come across as a baby. He also told me never to apologize to him for any of this stuff because he would do anything at this point to have a baby and though he may not like what he has to go through, he most certainly does it very willingly. So, that pleased me because I was really starting to feel guilty.

But then Charles said something that really made me think, and if any of you out there ever have husbands/partners that have to go through this one day, maybe you should think about this too: I was telling Charles how I can sort of understand what he went through because it's similar to women hating to have a gynecological exam. He said that no, it really isn't similar because no matter how much prodding or pricking, no matter who sees you, no matter what you look like, as a woman, you are not having a sexual experience in that doctor's office. He said that for him, the most private, personal and sensitive sensation in the world was made to be public and was made to take place in an impersonal setting and that was what was so upsetting. As I reread what I just wrote, I feel like I am making Charles come across as a whiner, but he totally isn't. After he said all this, I really felt bad for him. I certainly don't think I could have done it. Thank God, I won't ever have to.

As an aside, we decided not to freeze the specimen for future use because Charles said he would make sure no matter what that he would be there for the IUI. Also, two weeks have passed since he had the SA done. Do I know the results yet? No! Why? 1) because the doctor's office is obviously slacking and 2) because I am too much of a chicken to call for the results. Can you believe me? Am I a coward or what??? But, I will get to the results part in a bit, so hold on.

Clomid: AF came on Oct. 9. I was really depressed about it but tried to take a positive attitude and just move forward with the "game plan." On this day I called my doctor to schedule my HSG.. On Oct. 11, I started my prescription for 100 mg of Clomid for days 3-7 of my cycle. Also on Oct. 11, I went to have my blood work done. Let me just say, the amount of blood they took from me could have fed a cave full of large bats. I don't have those results back yet either, but in the spirit of trying to have a positive attitude, I assume that no news is good news and that there is nothing wrong.

I had heard all these stories about being on Clomid -- that you have painful ovulation, that there is slight burning, that you feel moody and have hot flashes. Well, I had none of this. Well, maybe the moody part. The only thing I currently experience as I approach ovulation are twinges on both sides of my body/both ovaries, whereas I normally only feel them from one side, so who knows? My friends keep telling to be careful what I wish for, because I might end up with multiples. I completely pooh-pooh them and say it will never happen. Not that I would care if it did -- I would be ecstatic, but I know it won't.

HSG:: I had my HSG today. In fact, I just returned from having it. Talk about a cakewalk. Here I am agonizing that it is going to be horrible and painful. No way! I've had hangnails that hurt worse than that. All they do is put you in stirrups and insert a speculum. Then they put a ton of Betadyne inside you (pretty gross, but certainly painless) and then they administer the anesthetic. That was the only sucky part. And the only reason it was sucky is because if the doctor hadn't opened his yap and told me that they were numbing my cervix with a big pointy needle, I never would have been searching for the sensation of it. There really was no pain at all, however -- just a very mildly uncomfortable pressure. No big deal. Next they called in the radiologist and he pulled the X-ray machine thing (I'm not technically gifted) over me and pulled the TV screen thing close to my face so I could see everything going on inside my body. Well, I was surprised to see how tiny your uterus and fallopian tubes are, especially since what I was looking at was magnified!

The radiologist then inserted the dye and I could see it traveling through everything. As it traveled, the doctor, the radiologist and the nurse were all like, "Whoa! Your tubes are clear, girlie! That looks great!" Now one would think I was happy with this reaction, right? Oh no, not Miss Corinne. My response to their reaction was, "Well, then what the hell is the problem???? Why am I not getting PG???" They all replied that it could be "the husband." Real nice. Then they asked me if I had gotten the SA results back yet. I said no, and that it had been two weeks since the SA was done and that we should be having our first IUI this weekend, so I was kind of worried about not having the results back yet. They all said that in all probability, if something were wrong, I most likely would have been contacted by now. Most likely. Hmmm. Umm, let's see, "most likely" doesn't cut it in my book. I need definitive answers. I need absolution, for God's sake. So, they told me that they would call Dr. B (my RE) and tell him to call me with the results just to confirm everything is OK before the IUI.

So that's my HSG story. The whole thing took about 15 minutes. After it was done they send you to a bathroom so you can clean up and put a pad on. Once I was back at work, I went to the bathroom to check to see if I was bleeding and I was a little, but nothing major. I can honestly say that I don't feel as if I have had anything done at all, not even a mild cramp. Given the choice between getting a cavity filled and having an HSG, I'd without question choose the latter.

So, now I am at the stage where I test to see if I'm ovulating and when I find out that I am, I then will go in for my IUI, which should hopefully be Saturday, the 21st. And THEN, we will start the 2WW.

I will probably send in another entry after I have the IUI done so I can update you on that and I promise that in this entry, I'll attempt to leave out all the technical stuff and talk a little more about my personal life. It's just that I had so much to catch you all up on, plus for the past two weeks, I've really had no life worth speaking of.

I will conclude by saying, if I hear that freakin' song "Arms Wide Open" by Creed one more time, I think I am going to drop my radio in the bathtub, with me in it. I'm sorry, but even though I absolutely LOVED that song when it first came out, after the 50 millionth time they played it, I have had about ENOUGH. The song always makes me cry, 1) because it is so beautiful and 2) because it scares me that I may never be able to give my own husband what that man is singing about in that song. (For those of you unfamiliar with the song, the singer is telling about how he just found out his wife is PG, how wonderful it is, how his life is going to change, what he hopes his son will turn out to be, etc., etc.) As I said, the song is beautiful and I'm sure if you already are PG, it's a song you want to hear constantly. Well, I don't. Not right now. Definitely later, though. Yes, definitely later. So, for now, I am making a plea to all you DJs out there: Can you only play the song maybe three times a day instead of 30? I promise to listen to it really soon, I do. Hell, I might even buy the CD. But I won't buy it until I can listen to that song without shedding a tear of agony. And right now, that's not possible.

Until next week, take care and much PG dust to you all****~~~******~~~~~~~.

Love,
Corinne



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