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Home › Diaries › Corinne C's › October 2, 2000

Corinne C's Diary Entries

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October 2, 2000

TTC #1, C 12, CD 21

Hi again! Hope everyone had a good week. In case you haven't already read my introduction, my husband Charles (I like to refer to him by his real name because I feel it makes him more human, more tangible) and I have been TTC for more than a year now. In short, there is no (obvious) reason why we shouldn't be getting PG -- we are both healthy, I have extremely normal periods, I have no symptoms or history of anything like endometriosis or PCOS. Still, despite our valiant efforts, no luck. When we first started trying, I was sort of OK with the fact that I wasn't getting PG right away. I mean, I am not in my 20s anymore and I just assumed that it may take a while.

Fast forward to three good friends getting pregnant, countless baby showers, along with a cousin about to give birth and a year of TTC under my belt, and I was about ready to dive headfirst into an empty swimming pool. Not to mention, I think my poor husband was at the end of his rope because I was becoming such a case about not being able to get PG. Of course, our life always revolves around scheduled sex, which I think is a) not natural and b) robotic. I am not a droid and neither is Charles. You can't just push a button on our backs and all of a sudden we're in the mood. In addition to all the sex, I have taken every vitamin, every fertility herb, every baby aspirin imaginable. I have read every book out there. Every one. I have Charles consuming large quantities of vitamin C and B6. We have been substituting egg whites for CM so often that we wondered if we should buy a damn chicken. We bought the fertility monitor (which is sort of pointless since I know EXACTLY when I ovulate) and still nothing. Nothing, that is, except a lot of tears and often, self-pity. It has been tough to come to terms with but now we are just taking it day-by-day.

It really is all we can do at this point. One of the problems for us with TTC are that the schedules that Charles and I have are slightly erratic and are probably not that conducive to easy conception. You see, Charles is a store manager for Crate & Barrel in Vienna, Va. I am not sure how much you know about retail, but whether you are a salesperson, store designer, or store manager, your schedule is bound to be both hectic and LONG. I work as an attorney for an insurance company in Simsbury, Conn. and I, too, work long hours. Charles was originally working at the C&B in White Plains, NY and commuting from Connecticut where we originally resided. (Talk about a ridiculous commute -- 2 to 2 and a half hours ONE WAY)! This past August, Charles was transferred to Virginia to be the store manager for this new C&B store that is currently under construction and he was required to move to Virginia right away. I, on the other hand, am still residing in Conn. fulfilling the obligation that I had agreed upon with my company to continue working until Dec. 15.

Come December, I will have to find a new job in Va. which I totally dread because I hate interviewing. Anyway, I go down to Va. every weekend to be with Charles and though we have a great time together, it is so, so sad to be apart every week, even if it is only temporary. All this said, you can see now why it has been so difficult for us to TTC a child. It was hard enough when we were living together, but now with this long-distance set-up, it has become virtually impossible.

As far as the state of my fertility and general health are concerned, one of the reasons I get so upset about not being able to get pregnant is because all my life I have had the most normal, painless AFs you could ask for -- 28 to 29 days to the hour, good CM, ovulation that I can feel exactly on day 14 or 15 and in general, very good health. I know I should be grateful that I have normal AFs and that I actually do ovulate well since that is not always a given. I am grateful for that, but after a while, I forget how lucky I am and just continue to focus on the fact that we are still not PG.

Plus, I was on the pill once in my life for like a year, back in 1987, and then I got off it because it made me gain too much weight and because I really did not want chemicals in my body interfering with a future pregnancy. A lot of good that did me. If I had known it was going to be like this, I could have been spared the agony of having to feel that SICK, disgusting, gelatinous rubber petri dish inside me every time we had sex. I don't know if any of you have ever used a diaphragm, but if you are thinking about it, think again. And to add insult to injury, all of my life, I have had every gynecologist I have ever seen tell me, "You are so regular, you'll have no problem getting pregnant!" Yeah, right. It just warms my heart to know not only have I defied the odds of the opinions of the medical profession, but that I have also wasted countless dollars on birth control that could have been better spent in a mall.

This past week has been hectic for me. Work is always so busy, not to mention long. With Charles in Va. and me in Conn., I live for my weekends when I can go visit him. Because Charles works in retail, he almost always has to work at some point over the weekend so it works better for him if I go there, rather than him coming up to Conn. on weekends (plus I prefer to be in Va. anyway). My company has been very good to me in that they know how hard my situation is and they are trying to make this period of my life as simple as possible. Therefore, they allow me to work a special schedule (Mondays through Thursdays, 7:30 a.m. to 6 p.m.) so that I may have every Friday off. That way I can fly to Va. on Thursday nights and return to Conn. on Sunday nights.

So far, this set-up hasn't been too bad considering what it could be. I absolutely love the Northern Virginia area (we live in Herndon) and we are having so much fun every weekend doing and seeing different things, that I can't wait to be there permanently. I went to University of Virginia undergrad, and I have always loved Va. and I had always planned to return one day, I just never thought it would happen under these circumstances. I don't know if any of you have ever been to Hartford, but it is not the most exciting place. I just came to Conn. to go to school. I am originally from Long Island, NY and I love big cities. Since I am more of a city person, Hartford was sort of a letdown for me which is why I am so excited to (soon) be living so close to Washington, D.C.

This past weekend, Charles and I went to Georgetown on Friday and just walked around and went into all the little shops, ate in these cool little restaurants and just had a great time together. Saturday I met my mom at some local outlets for the day and Sunday, Charles and I just stayed at home and did stuff around the house like unpacking and hanging pictures. I know it sounds sort of boring but it actually was very relaxing. The only things that stressed me out the whole weekend were 1) the fact that I have not been job hunting the way I should and 2) the fact that we are still dealing with TTC.

The thing is, what with TTC, the fact that we just moved, the new store opening and all the other stressors in life, I am in no mood to look for a job. Plus, the fact that I can't start a new job until December is not a big selling point with most companies, most of which want you to start right away. Also, I have an insurance law background, which there is not a big calling for in the DC metro area, and I DO NOT want to work in a law firm. I just don't have the stamina for it. All of my law school friends who went to work in firms, when I see them now, look old and overweight and completely disillusioned.

I am not saying that this is the way it is for everyone in a law firm, I know there are a lot of people who enjoy it, which I think is wonderful. But I know myself and I know that I would be the type of person who would wither away if I had to work 16-hour days, seven days a week. For me, some things are just not worth the money. What I really want to do is work in the legal department of a company, preferably a dotcom/start-up Internet company if possible. I suppose I need to get my butt in gear and start looking as I only have two or three months left. If anyone knows or hears of any opportunities that may fit my background, please let me know.

TTC Status

Finally, the stuff you really want to know about (and I promise that normally my entries will not be nearly this long, but I have so much to catch you all up on). Because my husband and I have been TTC for more than a year, I went to an RE for an initial appointment. All I have to say is that I was very impressed with the entire process and this outfit in general. The doctor (Dr. B.) was absolutely great and so was his staff. I went for an appointment on Sept. 24 where I was asked to fill out a bunch of paperwork and was asked a ton of questions. Then I was given a complete exam and fertility work-up as well as a (gak!) vaginal ultrasound. That last part was definitely not pleasant, but at this point my dignity is completely gone anyway.

Dr. B. showed me my ovaries on the ultrasound and showed me how one was full and about to burst open with an egg (which I already knew from using my fertility monitor). Dr. B. said that from what he could see and without doing any very detailed testing, everything looked perfectly normal. Afterward, I talked with Dr. B. about my options.

I told him that I would be gone from Conn. as of January (also when my insurance coverage runs out) and his immediate response was, "Well, we will have to get you PG by January then, right?" That was just what I wanted to hear. I mean, we really don't know 100 percent if that will happen but I want people working with me to have a very positive and proactive attitude, not someone who is like, "Well, um, uhh, duhh, we will do the best we can but in the meantime, start filling out your adoption papers." Dr. B. then said that first we would get Charles a SA and in the meantime, try to get PG. If AF did eventually show, they would do bloodwork, schedule an HSG and start me on Clomid.

Next, at the time of ovulation, they would then do the first IUI. When Dr. B. said this, I was shocked. I mean, I had just called the week before to get this initial appointment and here he is talking about artificial insemination only three to four weeks later! (I suppose I should mention the reason it was so easy to get an appointment in the first place is because I happened by chance to be friends with someone who works in that office). When I mentioned how quickly this was all happening, Dr. B's response was that we don't have a lot of time and there was no point TTC "naturally" when we have these options available to us. Sounded great to me, though I am as nervous as hell.

Right now we are in the waiting period for AF. I am praying to God that all the BD'ing we did that long weekend when Dr. B said I was ovulating kicked in, though I certainly am not holding my breath.

Charles has an appointment on Oct. 6 to have an SA done. Thrilled he is not. We have laughed a lot about it this past week to try and get through it but secretly, even I dread it for him. I simply cannot imagine what it must feel like to have to go masturbate in a room with people right outside knowing just what you are doing. Charles is positive it is going to be just like in the movies. Have you ever seen "A Smile Like Yours" or "She's Having a Baby"? In both of these movies, the husbands have to have a SA done and when they go to the doctor's office to give their specimen, everyone ends up laughing at them hysterically when they come out of the room with their little cup. I have reassured him it won't be that way at all but it is easy for me to say, I don't have to go through it.

Generally, I am very excited and I feel very blessed that I have even been given this opportunity to have these treatments. However, I am so scared that it won't work. And I am even more scared that there is something wrong with Charles. I have become so desperate that I don't even care if we have triplets, as long as they are all happy and healthy. I suppose I just have to keep thinking positively and try not to worry about it all. In the meantime, I will await AF which is due on Oct. 10 and if she does come, I will proceed with Dr. B's plan. Wish me luck and I will do the same for all of you out there.

Take care, have a great week and baby dust to all!

~~~***~~~****~~~***~~~***
Corinne

P.S.: In case you were wondering how to pronounce my name (no one ever spells or pronounces it correctly), it is pronounced Co- rin, NOT Cor-een.



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