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July 22, 2001
July 22, 2001
I know it’s been a long time, but before I start, I would just like to congratulate Jenn B. on her pg! Congratulations Jenn and best of luck to you, we all wish you a happy, healthy pg and baby!
OK, where to start. Well, the last time I wrote I was getting ready to be prescreened for the IVF study. Well, it just so happens that on my birthday I went to the fertility clinic to be tested. Charles came along to be tested as well. To make a long story short, Charles passed all the tests with flying colors. I passed all the tests but one - the FSH test. FSH as you may well know stands for follicle stimulating hormone. In order to be in the IVF study, you must have no higher than a 9.9 FSH level. Normal level is considered to be between 5-6. As it turns out, my level is a 10.6. When the doctor called me to inform me of this news, naturally, I was upset because I really want to be in the study. He said that there are no exceptions made even though I am so close to the cut-off because the drug company sponsoring the study has very strict rules about who participates. What this means is that they want their to be a high success rate of pgs so that medical facilities will buy their drugs. The best way to guarantee success is to have women in the study with the best possible hormone levels, etc. Makes sense, but upsetting nonetheless.
Anyhow, the doctor did tell me that according to my medical records, when I had the FSH test performed in October back in Connecticut, my FSH level at that time was a 5.7, an absolutely perfect level, so this most recent reading could just be a fluke. They have decided that they will retest me again on the third day of my next cycle, which should be Tuesday, and that hopefully the level will be back to normal. If it is not, then we will have to go for Plan B.
Plan B
My doctor told me that if I am ineligible for the IVF study, I can always do IVF the regular way (at full cost). At first, I had thought that this is what I would do, it would be worth the money. However, upon further reflection, Charles and I decided that it would be silly to go straight to IVF without exhausting less drastic procedures. The only reason we had agreed to go the IVF route so early in the game is because they offered it to us for a fraction of the normal cost for participating in the study. Our original plan after my laparoscopy was to simply do three more IUIs but with super drugs instead of Clomid. My IUIs are covered under the insurance I am already paying for, so I figured I should at least give it a try. Especially since I would be so much more relaxed doing the IUIs this time - no more long-distance relationship in addition to a doctor’s office which is open 365 days/year.
Plus, my doctor seems to believe that if Charles and I just give it a little more time, we will probably get pg on our own. So, that is our plan, if I cannot do the study, I think we will just do a series of three more IUIs, and if that doesn’t work, do IVF at that point in December/January. I guess I am really bothered by the psychology behind opting for a last-ditch method without trying other methods first, ESPECIALLY since there is technically nothing wrong with either of us. Oh, in case you were wondering what an elevated FSH level means in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t mean a whole lot regarding my particular fertility since my level is not that abnormal, however, what it measures is a woman’s ovarian reserve. So, the way my doctor explained it to me is that a woman with a higher FSH level may have less eggs than she should for her age group. He gave me an example that a woman at age 32 should have a FSH level of 5-6 indicating an ovarian reserve of 100,000 eggs. With an FSH of 10 or higher, you may only have 90,000 eggs. (These numbers are totally made up, but you get the point). The point is that no woman will ever need 100,000 or even 90,000 eggs, it really doesn’t make a difference, but for the purposes of the study, it does.
So that is our plan. I really would like to do the study, especially since I am so much more relaxed then I was a year ago. I mean, Charles and I are actually living in the same state, we can have a normal sex life, we have access to the doctor’s office that we didn’t have before (what with the long distance issue of last year), so I think overall it should be better for us both to TTC. Nevertheless, I can say without a doubt that if I don’t get into the study and if the 3 IUIs don’t work, we will be doing IVF the regular way as soon as possible, whether I am employed or not.
I guess the other big news is that I am now a “housewife.” That’s right, can you believe it? After wanting that for so long, I finally have it. It was weird leaving my job because I had just been made recruiter of the month and was really beginning to enjoy it there and was actually doing quite well. Two days before my last day, I was even taken out to lunch by one of the partners because he wanted to talk about my future with the company. He told me how he thought I had a talent that he didn’t see in most recruiters and that if I were to continue at the company that he would one day see me in a managerial position. Well, I was flattered, however, considering what I would have to go through if I decided to do IVF, even IUI, it wouldn’t have been possible to continue working at my job and go through all the medical procedures that I anticipate going through. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think that it is perfectly possible to work and go through IVF or IUI, but not with my particular company. They never would have tolerated the absences, the doctor’s appointments, etc. My doctor had told me that if we do IVF, I would have to come to the office every day for two weeks so that they could monitor my follicles. Well, I can tell you that my company would have a major conniption if I had a doctor’s appointment every day for two weeks, it simply would never happen in their world. This is why leaving the company became the only alternative for me.
So, every day I make it a point to just relax. I get up early but not too early and I take walks. I read smart books. I watch crap T.V. I work on my tan. Oh yes, sometimes I do actually scan the ads, the internet for job openings, but I am not concerned, whatever is meant to happen eventually will. This break will be good for me.
I am sorry that I have been gone for so long, now that I am unemployed I promise that I will revert back to being a “regular.” I saw that my diary was gone, or rather, others mentioned to me that it was gone and I felt horrible because if I did decide to quit my diary, I would at least like to say good-bye to all of you and not just disappear like that. Who knows, I could very well decide to quit it anyway, but for right now, I would like to stay. I truly hope and believe that I will l one day complete this diary in the manner that I had originally intended, that is by announcing a +++ pg test.
Before I end this, I would like to share a little story with you that I believe is a good life lesson for all of us. About a month or so ago, when I learned about my high FSH level, I became very dejected about my TTC journey and I confided to Megan that I had just about had it and would like to not only quit the diaries, but quit TTC altogether. Meaning, I would not go through any of the planned medical procedures available to me and just forget about having a baby. Megan then asked me if I ever watched this show called Fear Factor. I said that I did. For those of you unfamiliar with the show, it is a show where contestants do very scary, outrageous and disgusting things to win a grand prize of $50,000. Some of the past tasks have included eating a handful of live earthworms, lying in a trough covered in hundreds of rats, jumping off of ledge 200 ft in the air and trying to grab onto a rope ladder without falling, etc. Well, the week I spoke with Megan, we had both watched the show and the final task in that episode required the contestants to go deep down into a series of dark sewer tunnels filled with the most vile-looking water you have ever seen. It looked like sewer water and was simply disgusting. Each contestant had to go into the tunnel and find the correct exit tunnel in the complete darkness while being covered in water and sludge and slime. The T.V. audience could see the contestants through the use of special night vision. Whoever exited in the least amount of time would be the winner of $50,000.
The first contestant went down the tunnel and became completely lost but trudged through and eventually found the exit. He made it out in 1 minute 28 seconds.
The second contestant went very slowly despite finding the correct exit hole immediately, however he was just going along so slowly that he took 2 minutes and 28 seconds to complete the task. But, he did complete the task.
The third contestant dove right in and was moving quickly and efficiently. She found the correct exit hole immediately. Just as she was about to enter it, she got doused with some really gross water, some of which went in her mouth, and she freaked out and yelled, “Get me out of her, I quit!” They got her out of there and she said she simply couldn’t take it anymore. We, the audience could see the whole time that she was almost there, she was quicker than the first contestant, she found the correct exit immediately and she would have won if she had just held out a little longer and muddled through the really gross and troubling part of the task. However, she couldn’t see that, the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, so she just gave up. Because she was a quitter, she lost out on $50,000.
Megan relayed this entire analogy to me and I realized how incredibly right she really was. Did I want to miss out on the grand prize, my very own child (which is a hell of a lot better than $50,000), simply because I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel? She said that everyone else can see that I am almost there, even if I don’t. Megan made me realize that I have to just keep plugging along, even when I am doused with some really gross water. Additionally, I came to the conclusion that not only is it important to not be a quitter, but it is also important to realize that not everyone finishes the race in the same way. It may take one contestant longer than another. Some may find the correct exit hole right away, some may flounder a bit, some may have to try every tunnel before getting to the right one. None of it matters as long as you finish though, and I am going to try and remember that.
On that note, I bid you all farewell and wish you all a marvelous Sunday.
Take care,
Corinne
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