 | Diary Navigation:
|
June 24, 2001
June 24, 2001
TTC# 1, CD 2
I don’t know where my life is going. I don’t understand how some days I can
be almost euphoric with happiness over the state of my life and yet on other
days, I feel nearly suicidal. I am thankful for all that I have yet bitter for
what I am still lacking. I don’t know how much longer I can continue in a
state of mind that is so clearly bipolar/demented/sad.
Caroll O’Connor died last week. I am an avid "All in the Family" fan and as
I am writing this entry, I am watching the TVLand 48 hour "All in the Family"
marathon tribute to Caroll O’Connor. Ironically enough, it just so happens
to be the episode where Gloria announces her pregnancy to her parents.
They are all so happy. They are joyous, ecstatic. I am sobbing, into my
keyboard. Will I ever have that? The joy of telling my parents I am
pregnant? Will I ever have the joy of telling my husband that I’m having
his baby? Will I ever get to see the look of love and happiness on my
husband’s face when I tell him our wonderful news? I honestly believe that
I will, but the pain of waiting is killing me. I mean it, it is killing a part of me.
My period came yesterday. A day early. It was the perfect day for it
because it was drizzly outside, gray and depressing. Charles was working as
always, I had nothing in particular to do, me who usually has plans with a
girlfriend or a million errands to run, or a lounge chair to bake in - got my
period on a rainy, depressing day where I had nothing better to do but sit on
the sofa with a blanket in the dark and wallow in self-pity.
A week ago last Friday, I got a frantic email from a dear girlfriend (Nancy),
who said she had some news to tell me and that I should call her
immediately. I called her and Nancy said that she had recently gone to see
her psychic, a person Nancy sees regularly and who has foreseen many
events in Nancy’s life. Some of the things she has predicted for Nancy are
simply unreal. This psychic looks like and actually is, your average
Connecticut housewife - she is not some kook in a turban with a crystal ball.
Anyway, Nancy said that this last time she went to see her psychic, the
woman told her that she saw in Nancy’s future many trips to the Washington,
D.C. area and she asked Nancy if she would have any reason to travel to
there. Nancy couldn’t think of any reason why, so the psychic asked her
if she had business ties or friendships in the area and Nancy said that yes,
she did. The psychic said that she sees Nancy making a lot of trips to the
D.C. area this coming spring and that she was seeing a lot of “Cs” (Corinne, Chappelle, Charles)
and that she couldn’t make out the name, but she saw a Caren or something like that
and Nancy said that she did have a girlfriend named Corinne in Northern
Virginia. Well, the woman said that she sensed that her friend (me), was
trying to get pregnant with a lot of difficulty - again Nancy confirmed this.
The woman also said that there was nothing wrong with either me or my
husband, but she told Nancy that she could see that the reason I was
not conceiving was due to timing. She said that we needed to be trying on
Day 12 or 13 and that we are missing our time by simply hours. (Charles
and I have been consistently trying on Days 11 and 14 - Day 11 to get in
an early start and then not until Day 14 to store sperm up for the big “O.”
Finally, she told Nancy to tell me not to worry because she sees that I
(Nancy’s friend), will have a baby girl no later than September of 2002,
meaning that I would get pg on or before January of 2002. Weird, huh?
Ironic that two days later, on Father’s Day, Charles went out to get gas and
when he went inside to pay, there was an old Jamaican woman behind the
counter who greeted him warmly by saying “Happy Father’s Day.”
Charles said “Thanks, but I am not a father.” The woman said “Oh, I know,
but you will be soon, just be a little more patient, I know it’s been hard for
you but it’s coming - trust me.” She uttered not one more word before
turning to the next customer.
Is all this 1) coincidence, 2) fate’s way or tormenting my already declining
mental state or 3) a true prediction of what is to be? Time will tell I suppose.
When I turned 29 three years ago, I believe my exact words were “If I am
not pregnant by the time I am 30, I will kill myself.” On June 27of this year, I will be 32
years old. At this age, my mother was already 3 months pregnant with me.
I have now surpassed the age of my own mother as a pregnant woman, an
age which I always thought was so old for her to be having her first (and only)
child, especially when all my friends’ moms were so much younger than
she. In 3 days I will be 32 and I feel no closer to be pregnant than I did 3
years ago. Ironic that being 30, even 32, sounds young to me now. Three
years ago the phrase "I am 32," was synonymous with a death knoll.
Normally, I would be making jokes, inserting various witticisms into my entry,
commenting on the stupidity of the most recent film or person I have seen. However,
at the present time I am in no joking mood. I am sad and depressed and
dreading my birthday more than ever. I apologize for my state of mind but
it would do no one any good, especially me, if I were to fabricate some
sense of happiness and positivity right now. I will get over this in a couple
of days and I will move on to the next step which is unfortunately, (or
maybe fortunately, depending on how you look at it), the IVF process. Of
all the conceivable ironies, I am actually scheduled for my blood screening
(the first step in the process) on my birthday. Never did I guess on my 29th
birthday that on my 32nd birthday I would be beginning the initial steps of
IVF. I just pray that on my 33rd birthday I am either holding my own child
or almost about to give birth.
The important thing I am trying to remember is that irony or not, none of it
will matter one bit as long as I get my baby. I just hope I can make it...
Until next time,
Corinne
 |  |
|
want to keep a diary on iParenting?
Authoring a diary on the iParenting network allows you to chronicle your family's story, preserving it for years to come. It's also a great way to get the most out of the iParenting community. Click here to start...
|
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families. 
