 | Diary Navigation:
|
May 29, 2001
May 29,2001
OK – get ready to read the crappiest entry I have ever written. I am in such a mood right now, I probably have no business writing at all, but I figured – oh what the hell.
Given the introductory statement, you can obviously figure out that 1) AF arrived on schedule, on the fourth Sunday of my cycle, as per usual, at the same time it always does around 9 a.m., 2) that I once again have blown countless dollars on herbs/pills/roots/tinctures that have ONCE AGAIN failed to aid me in my quest for pg, 3) that I am in my habitual “my life sucks” mode and feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes I still can't believe this is all really happening to me. It feels like a nightmare.
I was really OK about it all when it arrived because I knew it was coming. I had no pg symptoms, no sore boobs, no fatigue, nothing so when AF arrived it was totally normal. The only time I lost it was when was standing in the (ugh) “feminine products” aisle at CVS trying to decide what to buy. Charles and my mom stood and watched me sob while I tried to decide between Always with wings and Kotex ultra thins. Quite a scene I was causing. Nice basket case I am. If there were a human on this planet who cared one iota about the safety of mankind, they would do society a favor and throw a net over my head and drag me to a padded cell.
And of course me, being such a boob, was so happy initially with the fact that we were spending the Memorial Day weekend with my parents because I thought (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) that I could test, get a + result and share it with the whole family and have such a “happy” day together. What an absolute fool I am for concocting such a ridiculous fantasy.
Well, all this has made me come to the ultimate decision – I am NO LONGER living my life for this damn potential pg. I am taking my ass to the tanning salon (I don’t want to hear it from anyone how unhealthy it is, I KNOW it is unhealthy), I am dieting back to my original weight, if it affects my fertility, too bad, wasn’t meant to happen anyway. I am 25 pounds heavier than I was 3 years ago and I hate myself for it. I simply have to stop worrying about how it will affect a pg. Who knows? Maybe it will help matters. All I know is, I tried to put on a pair of size 10 jeans that I hadn’t worn in awhile and I looked like I belonged in an episode of The Facts of Life, with tight Sergio Valente jeans that looked like they were painted on. I cannot continue in this fashion (no pun intended). The days when I looked great in my red bikini are long gone, but I will be damned if they are gone forever. I have 4 weeks until my birthday and I WILL lose 15 pounds. I have a wedding to go to on the 30th and there is a dress I want to wear that I do not fit into. So, that is my goal to fit into it by the 30th. It will be tough, it will compromise my fertility I am sure, but so what at this point. I will be starting IVF in July/August, so I might as well get thin(ner) before then. Of course, I will still have another 10 to go at that point, but let me jut get through the first 15 and I will be OK for awhile.
I also decided that the rule for now is: no coffee, no tea, no soda, (diet or regular). I have been drinking coffee like it is going out of style (5 cups a day), diet soda (5 cans a day) – how awful is that? My body can’t possibly be healthy. If I want to go the IVF route, my body should be a shrine of purity and good health. Right now it is a nuclear waste site.
OK – I know right now you are thinking “Didn’t she say in the beginning of her entry that she is giving up? Well, yes and no. Yes, I am giving up TTC naturally. If we happen to “hit it” at the right time – great. But I am not timing sex, O patterns, etc. Screw that. I will go forward with the IVF cycle in July/August and do what I am told by the doctors, but aside from that, I am not concentrating on this stuff anymore.
My two new priorities are 1) losing weight and 2) finding a new job. I think part of the reason that I am so stressed al the time is that my job is simply too much for me. It is not worth the money. I would rather take a cut in pay than continue like this. The hours are ridiculous (7:30-7:30), the benefits suck – no maternity leave, one week vacation, no 401K and pay your own medical expenses up front, to be reimbursed at a later date. Not to mention the pressure to produce income and generate revenue. I might as well be working at a law firm. Who can be expected to live under these conditions????
I have just recently started job-hunting which is something I absolutely HATE doing. I think part of the reason for that is because I don’t know what it is I want to do. Honestly, I wish to GOD I could write for a living. It’s what I love to do, but let’s be honest here – who the hell is going to pay me to do it? I would even take a crappy job with lousy benefits/401K/vacation/etc., if it were a job involving writing that I loved. Even editing would be great to me. Of course, with my background I can’t imagine anyone would hire me in that capacity and even if they would, I wouldn’t have the first clue as to how to search for such a position.
Charles and I talked about my job situation and we decided that if I haven’t found anything by August, I will quit and just stay home and focus on IVF. I need a stress-free IVF environment. I am not going to spend all this money on a procedure if I am going to be all stressed out during the process. I want to have the best possible chances of success and that will never happen if I am stressed out. Ideally, I need a job where I can work from home. Yeah, like that will happen.
What else can I tell you, oh yeah – on Sunday, Charles and my mom and I went to visit my grandmother (my father’s mom) at the nursing home. This is actually a very sad story. Granny as we called her, is 88 years old, was completely healthy, of able mind, etc. until 2 years ago when she was afflicted with a non-malignant brain tumor. She had to have surgery to remove the tumor which ultimately affected her senses. She is now like an Alzheimer’s patient (moments of lucidity) and is basically helpless. She lives in a nursing home near my parents where she will remain until she dies. It is so sad to watch her because a very short while ago she was a completely normal person. She was even mowing her own grass and doing home repairs right up until she got sick – amazing lady. Did I ever mention that longevity runs in my family? Anyhow, getting back to the nursing home…when we went to visit her, there happened to be there at the same time a religious singing group performing for the patients. There was a man playing the guitar and a woman playing the tambourine. They were singing all types of religious songs that I of course never heard of being the heathen that I am. So anyway, my grandmother wanted me to sit on her lap while she watched the singers because she still sees me as a little girl in her mind. I obliged her because it was such a small thing to make her happy. My grandmother had always been so good to me all my life so I would do anything for her. The really awful part was when the woman in the singing group came over to me and asked me to play the tambourine in beat to Jesus Loves Me. Can you imagine how utterly ridiculous I looked? Here I am, a 155 pound 5 foot 10 ½ woman, sitting on a the lap of an 88 year old lady, shaking a tambourine to a religious tune while the only two other sane people in the room, (my mother and Charles) are nearly dying with laughter. Of course, all my grandmother’s little old lady friends kept telling me what a “big girl” I am, and that I had “a lot of meat on my bones, didn’t I?” It was clear to me then that I must have kicked a puppy in a former life to be subjected to such ridicule. (Smile). I’m kidding of course. The important thing is it made my grandmother smile and forget that she wasn’t in her own home, so I would do it a hundred more times if I had to.
Movie Review – Pearl Harbor 3 Babies
For all the hype that this movie got, I truly expected a better film. I guess for me, the real problem is that I was seeking action, death and destruction, not a love story. That was the downside of the film, the fact the main part of the story focused upon Ben Affleck (male lead) and some other chick (can’t remember her name) and their relationship. The story starts with Ben Affleck and this female lead falling in love. He goes off to war, supposedly dies after being shot down, leaving the girlfriend devastated. So devastated in fact that she somehow finds herself in the arms of Ben Affleck’s best friend. Isn’t that just special? Well, the girl becomes pg of course (nice slap in the face), only to soon discover that Ben did not in fact die in the war, but instead was detained in another country and could not contact her. Ben comes back to find her, but by that time she is already impregnated by Ben’s best friend. Girlfriend can’t make up her mind who to be with because she feels the baby should be with it’s father, yada, yada. Of course, the baby’s father (Ben’s best friend) dies in the war and OF COURSE, the little slut goes back to Ben after all. It’s like – hello! Can you make up your mind who you want to be with in this lifetime????? Of course, throughout the film there are some bombings, special effects, deaths – the usual. None of it was so great that it warranted the publicity it got. I read an article in some magazine where a movie critic described Pearl Harbor as a combination of “Titanic meets Saving Private Ryan meets Top Gun.” I could not have said it better myself. Unfortunately, the combination of these movies included only their worst parts. Bottom line – definitely worth seeing as a matinee and after a good night’s sleep – the movie is 3 hours a 15 minutes long. Snooze…
So, until next time, take care and lots of luck to everyone.
Corinne
 |  |
|
want to keep a diary on iParenting?
Authoring a diary on the iParenting network allows you to chronicle your family's story, preserving it for years to come. It's also a great way to get the most out of the iParenting community. Click here to start...
|
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families. 
