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May 3, 2001
May 3, 2001
TTC#1
CD # 5
Hi everyone,
Sorry I have not written for awhile, there is no particular reason except that I have no time at work and I too exhausted at night. The weekends are too busy as well. I suppose I have a lot of catching up to do.
Well, let’s see. As you can see from the cycle day above, AF arrived right when she was supposed to. I was mildly disturbed over it, but not surprised. Anyhow, I sort of figured she was coming seeing as how I felt identical to the way I normally do during the 2WW. So, I then decided to go out and buy every herb/root/pill that Amy took that we assume aided her in achieving a pg. I went to the health food store and bought the flax oil with borage oil in it, but I had to purchase the EPO separately (sometimes it comes all in one pill). I looked everywhere for False Unicorn Root but as it turns out, FUR is an endangered species (I didn’t even know that plants could be endangered), so it is VERY difficult to locate, but I finally did at Nature’s Sunshine and at the Vitamin Shoppe (internet). At NS, they only had the liquid form, which is supposedly more potent, so I purchased a 2 mos. supply. I also ordered FCS II (Female Comfort Support) as well. So, I have been taking the recommended dosages for all of these different herbs since Day 1 and I plan to continue until the big O. It worked for Amy, perhaps it will work for me as well.
Here’s how they make me feel: bloated and like I have go to the bathroom constantly, and I don’t mean to pee. Now, I forewarn you about this next part, because it will be sort of gross. Normally, my periods start off very strong and bloody, then they go to clotty by day 2-3 and dark brown to nothing by day 4. This time, the blood flow was completely even, red and fluid – no clots or “chunks” whatsoever. Hope nobody is eating while reading this. Anyway, it has been, I must admit, a pretty pain free and mentally pain-free AF for me. I have had a lot less moodiness than I normally do. When I spoke to the “herbalist” at NS, she told me that specifically FUR is known to cure infertility in women as it regulates and perfect the uterus, uterine lining and the reproductive system in general. Supposedly, it has been used in Europe to treat infertility. Hmm, well, we’ll see. At least I feel like I am doing something to increase my chances. The only thing that is unpleasant about taking this stuff is that the FUR is in liquid form. It is nearly impossible to swallow without gagging. I am not the type of person where bad tastes really bother me but this is just the worst, I guess because for me it reminds me of hard liquor – which I hate. It actually tastes like a combination of scotch, ether and paint thinner. And you have to take it three times a day, quite the painful experience. However, as I said to my mom this morning, if someone told me that in order to get pg, I would have to consume 3 buckets of urine donated from a hospital, I would do it at this point. So, the FUR is really not that big a deal. Amy, if it works, I owe you big time.
And just a little aside, I thought I would mention to any of you out there who are interested, Charles was telling me about this article he read in GQ this month. The article talked about how spinach significantly increases a man’s sperm count. Makes sense when you think about it. By telling me about this, Charles basically carved out his own dinner menu for the next 6 months. I love spinach so it is no hardship for me, but of course Charles hates it, unless it is raw, like in salad. He said he really debated telling me because he knew I would run right out and buy a ton of it to force feed him with, but in the end, he knew how much he wants this to happen so he decided it would be worth it.
As far as my decision to do IVF, I think I may have mentioned in the past that I would prefer to wait to do IVF until we had tried on our own for at least three cycles post-lap. Well, so far, we have had one cycle that bit the dust, but I would like to try for two more, especially now that I am taking these herbs. However, I certainly did not want to lose my spot in the study for IVF at the Clinic. So, I called the woman in charge and explained my situation, that I don’t necessarily feel comfortable going straight to the “last ditch effort” method so soon, without at least trying on our own, especially since we haven’t had the greatest opportunities to TTC on our own for the past year. I also explained to her that my job is not the type of place that would do well with me leaving all the time for doctor’s appointments. So, I essentially asked her how long could I wait, (if at all), before starting this whole procedure. The woman was so understanding and nice and said not to worry, that my slot was held and that I could just call her when I was ready! I was so RELIEVED, because now I feel like I have so much less pressure to TTC before a certain date. Before, I kept telling myself “I have to get pg before April otherwise I have to start IVF right away!” It is a terrible mindset to have while trying, and now I don’t have to think that way. The woman at the clinic asked me when did I think I would want to start, in the fall perhaps? I told her, “Good God no, if I am not pg after 2 more cycles, I will be ready to take a more active role.” So, we decided that I will try in May and in June on our own, and then if I am still not pg, we will begin the screening process end of June, be on the pill for July, and start IVF in August. I am very satisfied with this plan because I do believe that eventually somehow, one way or the other, it will all work out for me.
So, that is where I am right now. I still get depressed from time to time, no doubt about that. The other day, Charles and I went into the city and we did a little sightseeing, caught the last of the cherry blossoms at the Mall, went to the Jefferson Memorial, the Washington Monument, just trying to enjoy the beautiful weather and each other. Well, of course, the place was packed with people and all their babies and Charles starts telling me for the first time ever, he is really depressed that we don’t have a baby yet. The reason it is really starting to bug him is because the people at his job are REALLY starting to ask him all those questions we all hate, and it’s becoming tougher for him to answer. Also, he sees kids all day at the store and he says it makes him sad that he doesn’t have a child to enjoy. So, he is telling me all this as we are sitting on the steps of the Jefferson Memorial and it was sort of windy so my hair was blowing and covering my face. As he is talking I am crying so badly, because I feel so guilty, that but for me, he would not be going through this, but he can’t see my crying because all my hair is all in my face. (I have a lot of hair).
Moments like those are the toughest. I never told him that I cried that day 1) because it would make him feel sad, and 2) because he would never again tell me his true feelings. However, I did tell him later that I feel guilty because I am screwing up his life by not being able to have kids, and of course he emphatically denied that any of this is my fault, etc., etc. But what else can he say, you know? “Yeah, I am sorry I married you and ruined my life?” I know he doesn’t feel that way, but even if he did he couldn’t say it, so I don’t know if maybe deep down in his subconscious he wishes he had just married someone else. I don’t honestly believe that, but sometimes the demons of your mind torment you with what could be, and this is definitely a demon that won’t leave me alone.
Enough of that.
Some good things that have happened. I have been having absolutely FABULOUS weekends, I must admit. Every weekend the weather has been near perfect, so we make to always be out and enjoying it. I even have a slight tan now, so I am happy. (I am a total sun worshipper, which I know is awful, but I can’t help it). We have done a lot walking/hiking, had picnics with wine and cheese, gone to the National Zoo, we even took paddle boats out on the Tidal Basin (area of water in front of the Washington Monument). We have been basically just enjoying each other and our surroundings, something we never got to do last year.
A few weekends ago, I went to Kamina’s house (our second meeting) and we hung out there for awhile. Afterward, we went to the mall and had lunch and just talked, and talked and talked – and laughed, of course. I am sure that I shocked her with half of the stuff that comes out of my mouth, because trust me, what I say here is tame compared to the real life version. She didn’t seem too offended though. Kamina is absolutely the best, she is so fun to be around and I feel like I have known her for years. Funny how you just click with some people, you know what I mean? On Friday night, Charles and I and Kamina and her husband are going out to dinner in Georgetown. We are really looking forward to that, especially since we miss doing things with other people as couples. We are just now starting to build up our base of friends here now that we are getting more settled into the area. Getting back to Kamina, I am so happy that I have met her and I am sure that we have already formed what will turn out to be a long-lasting friendship.
My next topic has nothing to do with anything in particular, except for the fact that it is child-related. I was in Target last night and was appalled at what I consider to be the decline of discipline in today’s parents. There was a family consisting of a father, approx in his mid-30’s, a child about 6 and a toddler about 2 ½. The toddler was running around barefoot and screaming. OK – now I ask you, what the hell is already wrong with this picture? So, I am watching this child, who was filthy from head to toe, screaming and running into racks and generally being a little pain in the ass. The father is standing there like the dope that he is, watching this scenario unfurl not saying a word. The six year old is bitching about some toy she wants and the dad is still standing there with his thumb up his ass. So, the toddler trips, hurts herself, starts bleeding and screams bloody murder for the next ten minutes. All the while, I am pretending to be interested in house wares, but I am really just standing there watching and getting pissed that this loser gets to be a parent, but yet I don’t. At that the point, the father starts saying, “Ashley, is it all right if Daddy puts your shoes on?” “Would it be OK if I came over to put your shoes on?”
Is he for real or what?
In my day, if my father wanted me to do something, it was in the form of a command, I certainly never got a CHOICE. Hello! First of all, I would never have done such a thing, (run around like a banshee), because I knew better. My parents never ever hit me once in my life, but there was strict discipline. The fact that this father sat there and watched his child run around ridiculously is mind-blowing to me. It is also sad for the kid because she is the one in the end who ends up getting hurt. When the father tried to comfort the child afterward, she kicked and screamed and slapped him away from her. It was quite a sad statement of his parenting abilities.
All this to say, I don’t believe in being a strict disciplinarian per se, but I do not believe that the child should rule the parent. I certainly would never tolerate any child of mine raising their hand to me. What is this world coming to? You see more and more of this every day, but the saddest part is that we (society) will one day have to deal with this spoiled brat as an adult who is miserable in her life, all because her father never said “no”.
I haven’t seen any movies lately, not for any particular reason except that 1) I am usually asleep these days by 10, and 2) there hasn’t been much out that I care to see. I did see BJ’s Diary, which was hysterical. I would provide a review except for the fact that you all seem to have seen it by now, so you certainly don’t need my opinion. Also, this entry is getting too long already. The movie I am really dying to see is The Mummy II or The Mummy Returns, or whatever it is called. We loved the first one.
As far as Survivor goes, that show could not have gotten more boring if they had starting filming drying paint. Additionally, I almost puked when Elisabeth’s hair started falling out in clumps from malnutrition. I am also sick to death of Superboy Colby and his nonsense. I think that it is highly unfair that most of the competitions/challenges were based upon physical strength. That ensures that only the strong will survive and I for one, do not believe that a true “Survivor” of ANY kind, survives in life simply due to physical strength. There is also intelligence, cunning, bravery and daring, which for the most part is not tested in these challenges. I really wanted Elisabeth to win, so I was disappointed when she got booted last week. Out of all them, I felt she deserved it the most. I guess though that as long as Jerri is not the winner, we should all count our blessings.
As a final note, I wish to say congratulations to all the new pgs out there – I am jealous as hell! But happy for you and praying for you of course, that you will all have happy, healthy pgs and happy, healthy babies. You all deserve it.
Love always,
Corinne
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