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March 13, 2001
March 12, 2001
TTC# 1, Cycle 17, CD 7
I would like to apologize for taking to so long to update my diary. It has been a long and hectic two weeks, not because of the surgery, just because of day-to-day events that we all must endure. This entry contains only technical, TTC stuff, so be forewarned. There is so much to write about in this entry, and I don’t want to forget anything, so please forgive my lack of commentary on my everyday topics that I so enjoy discussing with you all…
Ok, so where to start…
Well, since I last wrote, nothing much had happened until I went to the RE this past Thursday for my post-op. It was weird because this is the first time I have gone to a RE with Charles actually present. As you all know, it has been so hard with Charles and I being in different states for most of my treatment history, so it was “sorta neat” to have him actually be there. Even when I went for my initial consultation with DR. Great, Charles was away on business and couldn’t come with me. For the first time, I wasn’t the only woman who was waiting alone in that waiting room which made the whole experience very special. Before I talk about the appointment however, I have to just add that this RE office is totally awesome in that it goes above and beyond the norm with regard to the patients’ feelings. When you first walk in, there is a huge sign that states:
“Due to the sensitive nature of our business, we ask that you please refrain from bringing children into the office.”
Now, some of you mothers out there may be offended by this, and admittedly, it is a lot to ask of someone with a child, but at that very sensitive moment sitting there in that waiting room, I was especially appreciative of such consideration.
Well, we went in to see the RE, (who by the way, looks exactly like George Costanza from “Friends”), and he started talking about various courses of action we can take. First, we can try naturally and may very well conceive that way according to my RE. If we decide to go the “fake” route, we essentially have 2 choices. IVF or IUI. My RE starts talking about how IVF is a good solution because the success rate is over 50% while IUI’s success rate is only 25 %.
I then asked my RE why I would need such an aggressive treatment if there was essentially nothing wrong with me. You know, instead of my going back and forth, I will just recreate the whole appointment for you, it is so much easier this way!
RE: Corinne, I can tell you that having your degree of endometriosis probably will not affect your fertility, but honestly, I can’t actually be sure. It very well could. And if it does and if the removal of the endo doesn’t do the trick, a more aggressive treatment may be the solution. Either way, if you decide not to do IVF and just go with the IUI, I think that is a very appropriate treatment at this time. By the same token, if you choose to do IVF, I do not think that is too aggressive a treatment either. Really both are fine.
C: Well, if there are 10 stages of endo and I am stage 1, how can my endo be bad? Why would I need to go to the extreme with IVF?
RE: There aren’t 10 stages of endo, there are 4.
C: But you said there were 10 when I came out of surgery.
RE: No, I said on a scale of 1 to 10, you are a 1-2. There are actually 4 stages official stages of endo and you are a stage 1, maybe 2.
Sidebar: OK – having stage 1 or 2 endo to me is NOT A MILD CASE. HELLO! So he is essentially telling me I misunderstood him in my groggy state. Charles of course, is hysterical because I essentially wrote to the entire web community last time that Charles is the king of miscommunication. Turns out I am the dummy. Anyway…
RE: I think if you want to do more IUI cycles that would be fine, but I think IVF would be more effective. We have a very high success rate with unexplained infertility cases combined with IVF. In fact, we like to refer to your situation not as infertility, but as delayed conception…
Sidebar: OK – is this guy the greatest sweetie, or what?????? Now THAT is what I am talking about. I am NOT infertile, my conception is simply a little behind schedule!
C: (shaking head vigorously) I don’t think we can afford it right now, and really don’t want to go to such an extreme until we have exhausted all our other remedies.
Sidebar: Charles is sitting there, legs crossed, not being able to get a word in edge-wise because I monopolizing the entire conversation. My feelings on this are that he is there for my support and to agree with my ultimate decision. After all, it is my body. (I’m only kidding. Thought you would all get a laugh out of that one). LOL.
RE: Well, before you say no, I wanted to tell you about this study we’re conducting.
C: (Thinking to herself) – Uh-oh. A study? Can’t be good.
Study conducted on Corinne=deformed baby with one eye and no feet.
RE: The pharmaceutical company who supplies the IVF drugs would pay for the entire procedure (worth $12,000) except for the last $2500, as long as you use their drugs only. You and Charles fit the profile they are seeking and I am sure you would be acceptable candidates for the study.
Charles: Well, why can’t we try three IUI cycles first and then if they don’t work, we can resort to IVF?
RE: Because there limited spaces available and you have to be able to do the study when the space comes available.
C: Well, what about this cycle? It s only day 3 and I would like to do an IUI now with Clomid, especially since I don’t think I am ovulating.
RE: Why don’t you think you are ovulating?
C: Because the last 2 cycles I tested for O, I never got a positive.
RE: How long did you test for?
C: Until day 15
RE: Are your periods regular?
C: Yes
RE: I can tell you then, that based on that information, it is almost impossible that you didn’t O. You probably O’ed on Day 18 or 19, especially since your past 3 cycles have been closer to 34-35 days.
C: (How did he remember that??? God, he is good).
RE: If you do end up deciding to go the IVF route, you will need to be devoid of any medication or drugs whatsoever, so you couldn’t take Clomid anyway.
C: (Four letter word).
RE: (Laughter)
Charles: That’s my wife!
RE: Oh, and I forgot to mention if you do decide to do IVF, we will have to put you on BC pills first to regulate you and we will also have to talk about selective reduction. Essentially with IVF, you run the risk of multiples at a higher rate than with an IUI. We have a whole team here who does the SR and we have to discuss how many embryos we would implant, how many we would “reduce,” if it came to that. I will tell you that in this practice, we refuse to do an IVF cycle if you end up having too many available eggs. We refuse to run the risk of another McCaughey septuplet type situation.
Sidebar: I must interject here to say that I don’t think that any woman, or man for that matter, ever expects that he or she will one say be sitting in a Dr’s office, contemplating different infertility treatments and the possibilities of essentially aborting an “excessive fetus.” I truly hate when people use the word “surreal” to describe an experience as I feel it is one of the most overused words in the 90’s/00s, but it is really the only word I can use to fit what I was feeling at that moment. The phrase, “How the hell did I end up here?” kept echoing in my brain for what seemed like an eternity. The reality is that I am going to possibly conceive a child through IN VITRO FERTILIZATION. I may actually have to choose to SELCTIVELY REDUCE AN EXTRA FETUS OR TWO SIMPLY BECAUSE MINIVANS ONLY SEAT 7.
Now that my friends, is the true definition of surreal.
So, after all this drama and agonizing over the cost of IVF, you would think that Corinne would be screaming from the rooftops over our good fortune. Uh, no. You all know I am a pessimist and instead, I am concerned b/c:
1) now I have to go on BCP
2) now I have to pay $2500 whereas if I had simply conceived through IUI, I would have to pay nothing
3) the whole IVF procedure involves a longer span of time than IUI
4) I want this to come easy to me and it is not easy, not at all
So, as we are leaving the office, Charles is all excited about what our RE said. I on the other hand, am about as down as if I had just witnessed my cat being run over by a car. As soon as we got to the parking lot, I burst into tears because I simply couldn’t take it. Charles comforted me and told me everything would be all right, that we will have our baby soon, but will we? Right now, we are supposed to wait for the nurse to call us to get our info for the study but I simply can’t help but feel we are making a mistake. I mean, think of all there is to consider:
1) The money (least important of all, not that big a deal, but a factor nonetheless)
2) The time
3) The risk of multiples
4) The potential failure and the psychological results of that if it doesn’t work seeing as there is nothing left at that point, IVF being the last resort
This last one is the one I am really worrying about. How will I feel if we do several IVF cycles and none of them work? There would be nothing left to try and that means we would have no hope left. I don’t know if I can deal with that possibility so early in the game. I mean we have only been at this for a little over a year.
And then, WHAT IF I am perfectly fine and don't need any fertility treatments at all???? I mean, am I jumping the gun here? Well, now that I think about it, I suppose my answer to that question would have to be "no," seeing as how we have been TTC for a year and I am still not pg.
I can't help but feel as though we should really do the IUI because I just have this feeling that it will work, especially since the endo, which turned out to be more severe than I thought, is now gone. Charles thinks that the money is not even a consideration, that we should kiss the ground God walks on because we are being offered this opportunity. He is right, I know and I am eternally grateful, only I am scared. You have to see it from my point of view, I mean this is SCARY. This isn’t just like deciding to buy a Jetta vs. a Nissan or a townhouse vs. a single family home. This is life. Mine, his and “it’s.” How will I feel if I do IVF and then they tell me four embryos fertilized and attached and now I have to decide how many I want to keep? Am I ready for that? I mean, the whole process can turn out to be one of the most potential ironic situation possible. Our ultimate goal is to achieve pregnancy and I am placing myself in a situation where I might have to eventually “rid” myself of let’s call it, “excess conception.” How ironic is that?
So many decisions, only one life. What to do. What to do.
The thing is, we know what we are going to do, we are going to take this blessing, this IVF cycle and use it and pray for success. And then we will take it one day at a time because that is all we can do. I know there are so many women out there who would kill for this opportunity so I feel very fortunate, like it was Divine intervention that allowed us to have this chance. Therefore, I am certainly not going to waste it. I hope you haven’t gotten the impression that I am ungrateful for such an opportunity, I just thought it was important for you all to know what has been going through my mind throughout this process. Not everything is so cut and dry and I wouldn’t be human if this stuff came easy to me. The only thing I can hope for at this point in my life is that this will be the hardest thing I ever have to live through. If I can go through this, get pg and never have to go through a worse situation in life, I would probably be the luckiest person in the world, wouldn’t I? So, I am making that my long-term goal.
I am rambling now and this entry is way too long so I am stopping here. Please post to me on my board and let me know your thoughts.
I hope all is well with you all and congratulations to all the new pgs out there.
Corinne
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