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Home › Diaries › Corinne C's › January 15, 2001

Corinne C's Diary Entries

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January 15, 2001

TTC #1, CD 14, C15

Hello again,
First of all, I want to say how very sad I was to learn last week of the PG diary writer Kathy’s suicide. It was such a shocking and unexpected tragedy and for once, I was simply at a loss for words. I feel so sad for that poor family and especially that poor baby who I pray does not one day blame herself for her mother’s disease. I hope that the members of that family do their best to reassure that baby that even though her mother was sick, she still loved her very much. I know that many people’s initial reaction is to be shocked and saddened by such news but that their second reaction may be to feel anger toward someone who selfishly takes their life like that and makes their family suffer. I know mine was, especially since I would give anything to have one baby, let alone five children. But before we judge, we should remember that someone who can so easily take their life, someone who has no fear of dying or the repercussions that follow such drastic actions, must be so incredibly sick that they have no real choice in what they do. Poor Kathy must have been in such pain to be so desperate and it is not for us to understand why she did what she did or to judge her for doing it. I offer to her family my deepest condolences and sincerest wishes of happier times ahead.

Second, I want to apologize for posting on my “Talk to Me” boards and responding to emails so infrequently these past few weeks. Please understand that it is not at all because I am depressed or lazy or disinterested, it is simply due to 1) my new job, 2) fatigue and 3) Charles. I am so busy at my new job that I wouldn’t even dream of getting on the Internet and logging on to this site -- first of all, the company would freak because I get the feeling they check up on you for stuff like that. And even if they didn’t, I simply don’t have time to go on and post; it would take too much of my time. I hate that I can’t log on, I miss you all so much, but that’s just the way it has to be, unfortunately. Second, when I get home, I am so tired from my long-ass day, all I want to do is vegetate on the couch. I want crap TV and my diet Pepsi and my Stony Field nonfat French vanilla yogurt and I want to doze in and out of consciousness. Third, as you all mustn’t forget, this is the first time in months that Charles and I have time together in such abundance. I don’t want to waste a second of it on the computer. When I get home, it is usually around 6:15. By that time, Charles is already home (he gets home at 5:30) and he has dinner all ready. We sit and eat, then we lay on the couch and cuddle and talk and laugh and joke and do all the things we missed out on for the past four months. Now, you know I love all you guys, but if I have to choose between the boards and my sweetie -- sorry girls! Sweetie wins hands down! LOL I will try to log on at least a few times a week, however, instead of just twice on the weekend.

TTC Status
Also for the first time in months, Charles and I took advantage of our three-day weekend together to BD (can I just say how much I HATE that expression, but can’t think of another) as I knew I would be ovulating by the 15th. Now, I didn’t use any drugs this cycle, no injections, no Clomid, no OPKs, no monitor -- nothing! And IT WAS GREAT! No worry, no muss, no fuss. It did wonders for my sanity. You all should try it sometime. I knew though that we should be BD’ing all this weekend as I have ovulated on CD 13-14 for the past 14 cycles. Oddly enough, for the first time since I can remember, my O cramps were ever so imperceptible -- I mean barely there. It was so damn nice not to be doubled over with O cramps, you have no idea. I still am almost positive I O’d though 1) because I had EWCM and 2) my nipples were tingly which I always get during O and 3) I had those nearly imperceptible cramps. So, we took advantage of the timing and with God’s will, maybe it will take this month. I am praying for it, that’s for sure. In the meantime, I am biding my time until my RE appointment on Jan. 26 where I will discuss with the doctor what my new (if any) plan of action is.

My New Job
I touched on this a little bit earlier but didn’t go into any great detail. I won’t bore you with a long description but suffice it to say, my new job is HARD. Hard in the sense that I have so much to learn. It takes a lot of work to do recruiting, you have no idea, but I must say, I like it very much. I especially like the fact that they give you the day off for almost every holiday. For example, I had off today for Martin Luther King, and I NEVER would have been given that day off at my old job. So that is a very nice perk. Also, the people are super-friendly (I find this to be a highly abnormal character trait) and they are fun to be around, for the most part. However, if I were to indicate one complaint, it would have to be that they are a little too focused on money, if you ask me. They are always talking about what they will buy, what they have bought, how very much they can afford, how much they earn. Very materialistic and superficial. Boy, do I hate that.

For example, this one guy who lives in D.C. was talking about how great the transportation system is in the city and how he doesn’t even need a car to get to work. So, I say to him, “Oh, does that mean you don’t have a car?” Now, before I tell you what his response was, I will ask you to think of what would be an appropriate response to such a question. In my opinion, the question simply merits a yes or no answer -- nothing more, nothing less. This fool says, “ I drive an Eddie Bauer Edition Ford Explorer, special limited.” To which my silent response is, “WHAT-EVER!” I mean really! What I wanted to say is “Do you think I give one rat’s ass whether you drive a luxury car or a rickshaw? Honestly, I don’t.” He then proceeds to tell me how he owns his own home (oh goody -- he and 50 million other people in this world) and how much he paid for it. Tac-ky.

And I would have to say that quite a few of my coworkers are like that, not all but some -- very concerned with money and how they appear when they talk about it. That is so not me, but I just sit and listen and mock silently. There are several women there whom I like a lot. They are very down-to-earth, fun to be around and not at all how I just described. They ask me to go to lunch and to go on coffee runs and stuff like that. In short, they really make an effort to make me feel like I belong, which is sweet. The best thing, though, about the women at my office is they are all either just recently engaged, divorced or single -- and best of all -- not one of them is in the market for trying to have a baby. So if anything, I have a reprieve from worrying about being surrounded by PG women. It is a very refreshing feeling, believe me.

Meeting New Friends
This past Saturday, I had such a fun time meeting two people who I know from the Internet. One would be a girl named Mary who posts on my TTM board a lot and who lives very near me. (Hi Mary!) Mary has been emailing and posting messages to me for awhile and we had planned to meet once I had moved down here permanently. So, we met for lunch at a local mall and had a great time. Funny how people never look as you pictured them -- I pictured Mary to be a short, blond, cute cheerleader type. Of course, Mary looks nothing like that. Mary was tall, very pretty, dark-haired and exotic looking. Additionally, I felt we really had a lot in common and it was very fun meeting a new friend. I look forward to being good friends with Mary in the years to come and sharing in her joy and happiness as she gets engaged, married and PG, hopefully for her sake, in the very near future!

After lunch I did a little shopping, ran some errands and then headed over to Chevy chase, MD to meet my second Internet buddy, Kamina. Yes, that’s right -- Kamina from the precon boards. And what a fun time we had. We talked for a long time, had some wine and just sort of let loose. It’s funny because though I had seen the picture of Kamina on the boards, I still never would have recognized her because Kamina looks so different from her pictures. I think her hair is what threw me off because it is really short (unlike her picture) and she just looked different, I guess. I mean, we all could see from her pictures that Kamina was a beautiful girl but she is even more beautiful in person! Dressed impeccably and very fashionable, she looked simply great and what a sweetie! It was such fun meeting her as well and I seriously hope that we continue to get together in the future and become close friends.

One of the things that I talked about with Kamina (as I mentioned on my boards Friday night) was that Charles and I had had a little fight about my obsession with TTC. Essentially, the shortened version of the story is that he told me that he was concerned about how consumed I was becoming with TTC and that I should stop feeling so sorry for myself and just pick myself up and do my best to “beat this thing.” Let me just say, furious doesn’t even begin to describe what I was feeling. I mean, dammit -- I KNEW I was feeling sorry for myself, but what is the point, may I ask, of pointing it out to me??? Jesus. So, of course I completely lost it, turned into a complete banshee and threw myself on the couch sobbing like a true ass. But hey, it felt good at the time. We made up of course, because I realized that he was trying to get me out of my funk, shake me up a bit and make me realize how truly lucky I really am. It worked and I did feel better after I stopped feeling sorry for myself, believe it or not.

But still, this little episode reminded me that no matter how great you think you get along, no matter how little you may fight with your spouse, marriage is hard. And anyone who tells you different is a liar, trust me on that one -- I know, I’ve been through it twice. But I will say that there’s no one I would rather go through all this with than Charles. He has been so great to me and so supportive and so loving, I simply couldn’t ask for better. Despite my frequent periods of despair and self-pity, I truly realize how incredibly lucky I am to have him. I just hope that when my time comes to leave this earth that I die first because I don’t think I could live without him, I really don’t. Do any of you know what I mean? All this to say that even though I am not yet PG, I am really taking the time right now to settle back, enjoy this wonderful man that I was so lucky to find and just enjoy life. It is all over so fast and I don’t want to miss any of the good things by being upset because I am childless. What a waste that would be. And besides, deep down in my heart, I am certain that I will one day be a mom.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Movie review: 2 and a half babies
Disappointment doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt after seeing this movie. It had gotten such great reviews and people I knew who saw it simply raved about it so I was expecting near perfection. Instead what I got was Mr. Miaggi meets the Flying Nun. Simply ridiculous. I really thought I would love the movie due to the fact that that sexy Chow Yun-Fat starred in it and because I am a complete sucker for movie-made, impossible-to-do karate moves. I won’t even tell you the plot because it was so inane and discombobulated but it can be summarized by saying that the story line effectively depicts Chinese people as superhuman X-Men flitting from tree to tree, karate-chopping the hell out of each other whenever they get pissed off. And all because some 16-year-old little karate wonder brat stole an ancient sword. Honestly, I felt the movie was borderline insulting. They made a complete mockery out of the art that is karate. I know you must all think, “Well, what did she expect? It was that kind of movie!” The thing is, I did expect cheesy karate moves, but not Chinese people simply putting their arms out in front of themselves and lifting 300 feet in the air like they were Christopher Reeve in “Superman.” The movie was too stupid for words -- mildly entertaining yes, but definitely stupid.

Well, I am going to bed now, it is 11:30 and I have to get up in (ugh) six hours. Man, do I hate working! I hope you all have a great week and I will talk to some of you soon either on the phone or via my TTM board. Good luck to all this cycle and many positive vibes.

Love always,
Corinne



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