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Home › Diaries › Corinne C's › January 8, 2001

Corinne C's Diary Entries

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January 8, 2001

TTC# 1, Cycle 15

Hope everyone had a happy new year. I have a deep-seeded feeling that it’s going to be a great year for everyone.

Did you ever see that commercial for the March of Dimes? You know, the one with the stork? This ad contains an underlying message which tries to educate women as to the fact that they may find themselves pregnant one day when they least suspect it, and that they should prepare for such a potential event by taking care of their bodies. In this commercial, there is this stork walking around inside an office building, stalking all these women in the office, looming over them with a potential bundle of joy. When the women see the stork walking around with the possibility of a child, some of the women try to shoo the stork away, while others are beckoning it toward them. It’s extremely well done, and if you haven’t seen it, that’s too bad, because it certainly will make you laugh despite all of your TTC woes. Every time I see this commercial, I imagine myself in this ad. I imagine that as the stork approaches me, I do not beckon to this stork to come near me, no. What I do is, I lasso the thing around the neck, drag it kicking and screaming into my office and then I run and take a flying leap onto its back holding the animal down and screaming at it until it gives me what I want.

That is the stage I am at right now -- CRAZY. But happy-crazy, if you can believe that.

As you all can see from my intro, I am now on cycle 15. Scary. Never in a million years did I think I would be here. Here, meaning TTC for more than a year and having already had three unsuccessful artificial inseminations. AF arrived approximately one day late and without getting into the gory details, if I didn’t know better, I would think I had a miscarriage. I don’t want to belabor this topic any more than I already have on my boards but I will summarize by saying that I truly believe that in addition to my own infertility issues, once again, my IUI was inappropriately timed, thereby decreasing my chances for conceiving. On Dec. 17, the day before my last IUI, I had what I KNEW were O cramps. When I questioned the nurse about this, she explained that the cramps I was feeling came from the injection of hCG. She also said that I would have severe O cramps AFTER the IUI. I never did. I tried to pretend that I did because I so wanted to believe that the IUI would work this time. But the bottom line is, I felt nothing. This leads me to believe that once again, I ovulated on the 17th, a Sunday, and one day too early than necessary, one day prior to the IUI. Now, even if they had timed this procedure perfectly, I realize there are no guarantees, but it would have been nice to have the highest possible chances of conceiving without having additional obstacles to overcome.

I am now at the stage where I don’t care. For whatever reason, I feel completely without pressure to conceive this month. Maybe it’s because I am taking no drugs or injections and because I know that I don’t have a doctor appointment until Jan. 26 so I have almost a month to forget about all this crap and simply concentrate on all life has to offer. Over the past year or so, I seem to have forgotten that, and that’s sad. I realize I have so much more than so many other people, I have things people would kill for -- and I am certainly not talking about material possessions.

Did you ever see the movie “American Beauty”? I think that I would have to say that this is my favorite film of all time. There is a part in this film where one of the characters (Ricky), states that sometimes there is so much beauty in the world, that he just can’t take it. I look at my life sometimes and I feel just that. I feel sad because I am babyless, but so incredibly happy that my life is much more than I ever dreamed it could be! I know I am beginning to sound like a Pollyanna and therefore, totally unlike my usual self, but if anything for the year 2001, I vow to concentrate on what is wonderful about my life and celebrate that. Everything else will come in time. I know that after reading my near-suicidal posts of last week, you are all probably shocked at this new attitude, but I figure the last one wasn’t working so let’s start anew and find something that does work.

I am ashamed of myself for even falling apart to the degree that I did last week. I despise weakness of any kind and even more so in myself. I am fortunate to have so much, most of all, a husband who as much as he can be, is perfect -- and I should be thrilled enough about that. I could go on for pages about how lucky I am but that would be a waste of time. The bottom line is that I am going to beat this thing and not only that, I am gonna enjoy the hell out of my life while I do it, for if I don’t, I will spend the next 13 years fighting this battle. Then I will wake up one day and I will have missed the best part. I can’t have that.

Now don’t worry, I am still going to be my same old cynical self. I am still going to get pissed off at the people who aggravate the very core of my being. I am still gong to complain and bitch and moan because 1) that’s who I am and 2) I simply love it. : ) But I am not going to let this crap control me.

Well, I would write more this week but 1) it is late and 2) I am tired. I am so busy since I started my new job which is why I am not on my boards all the time like I used to be. I simply don’t have the time be on the Internet at work and I am too busy and tired once I get home to even turn the computer on! This new job is kicking my butt, big time. But I will get into that next week though. Also, I apologize for not writing a movie review of “Traffic” which I saw last night. Good movie despite that total loser Michael Douglas and his beautiful, yet insipid wife, Catherine Zero Jones.

I wish you all much positive news for this cycle as well as a positive new year.

Love always,
Corinne



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