I'll try to start at the beginning. First of all, on Friday, I finally heard from an email friend who has disappeared for about a month. She was doing IVF and when she disappeared I was worried that she had OHSS and was in the hospital. Turns out I was right, but she managed to avoid a hospital stay AND.......despite it all she is PG!!! Congratulations!!

So that was good; a bit bittersweet I have to admit, but she has been through a lot to get there and she is way ahead of me time-wise on this whole IF thing. Then, later in the day, I got an email from my mom. My grandfather had a stroke Thurs night/Fri morning. When he didn't appear for breakfast the manager of the apartment complex where he lives went to find him and he was in bed, disoriented and couldn't move his right side. My mom went to see him in the hospital and said that he recognized everyone, but seemed to be confused by where he was and why he was there. This really threw me for a loop. I suppose I should add that I am now on cd22 and no sign of ovulation. This happened on cd16 or so and I was already pretty sure that nothing was going to happen. I had been holding everything together, but my grandfather was the final straw.

I just realized that I forgot the other thing I found out on Friday, before I got the letter from my mom. I called the clinic to find out about Jon's SA (sperm analysis. It wasn't good. It was slightly better than the last one but not even as good as the first one. No one seems able to tell us if his SA results would be really bad even if I was as regular as clockwork, so it is really hard to decide what to do next. Try right away with ivf, or wait and see if we can get me regulated with something like metformin. I was checking my mail to get some answers online for this when I got the letter from my mom.

I cried a bit and then I decided that I just really need a break. I need some space from TTC and from thinking about all of this stuff and seeing other people go through it whether they succeed or not. When someone close to you gets really sick it tends to make you re-evaluate everything, and unfortunately, instead of making TTC seem less important, it made me want to create life even more strongly. When it comes down to it, the only really important things are life and death and I really want to create some life and some joy, but I feel like I need to get some distance too. So I decided to take a hiatus from my journal, my mailing list, my charting, and my vitamins.

I have always been stopped from doing this before because if I stop thinking about everything, nothing can happen through chance. But this time I have my provera and my 100mg of clomid. So I am going to make next cycle a potential cycle that I don't think about. We are not going to worry about SA's or when is the right time to bd, or any of it. And to help me not think about things I am going to take a break from everything that is baby oriented. So I won't be writing for a little while. I'll be back in September though, and of course, if anything exciting happens between now and then I'll be sure and let you all know. Between the provera and the clomid though, I won't be ovulating (if it works) until the end of August anyway, so you won't be missing much. Also, in August, I am going to call a private clinic and see if I can get a baseline work up done of both of us so that we can really make an informed decision about what to do next. I don't know when we will be able to get the money together for it, so the appointment and testing probably won't happen before September either.

I know that I really need this break from thinking about all of this, and it was proved to me this week. Jon had to go down to Bristol to learn a technique from someone and I tagged along in the rented car and we went to Wales that night and camped. We stayed the next whole day lazing around the beach and generally just being lazy (I am soooo sunburned!!). It was really great. It was the first time in years that we have had a day off in which we did whatever we wanted. One of the unfortunate side effects of living far away from everyone is that we feel obligated to visit people with all of our time off, and that doesn't leave any money for doing things ourselves. Plus when you are staying with relatives you need to do things their way. This was the first time in ages we have done something our way. It was so laid back and nice. It felt like we were getting back to the original two of us again, and we really need that.

I am pretty happy about things though. My temps this cycle were way different than anything I have seen before. They were so steady. So I have hopes that I am almost there with the clomid. The 100mg might be just the push I need. I am also choosing to believe that Jon's little guys are exactly as many as we need, he has just cut down on the extra ones. I haven't heard anything about my grandfather for a few days so I am assuming that means that he is doing OK. Our second anniversary is on Monday and I am hoping it kicks off a mellow, fun month of just being ourselves, and who knows, maybe even getting lucky and winning the TTC lottery.

Lots of Luck to everyone and see you in September.

:o)
Kim