There were some other things that were hard about their house, though. We both agreed that it wasn't a house that we would have bought, although it is closer than most English houses get. We both have a much more American sense of architecture and space, but we both got a little teary when we first got there. Jon, because he kind of wishes that he were ready to own the big four bedroom house now ( I keep telling him, 'only a year to go') and me because one of the bedrooms was 'the baby' room. I don't know if they have thought about any of that stuff yet, but I just walked in and choked up. I could see where the crib would go, and the glider and the toys. And in the afternoon the room got the most gorgeous orange glow. That was really hard.

Basically, as a couple, they have gotten everything they have ever wanted. That is a slight exaggeration, but not in the sense that I mean it. Of course everything is not perfect for them, but in gross they have gotten everything they have cared about. It just comes to them. They have never had any major setbacks. We, on the other hand, have had two big ones. First, and much less importantly, we ended up, through no choice of our own, in a place where unemployment is so high (heading rapidly toward 20%) that I just cannot get a job. This has put a big financial strain on us, having to live on one grad student stipend. I know that it is not just me, because every spouse or significant other, male or female, who has moved up here with someone we know, has either gone back to their old job (and abode) after a few months or is still looking, just like me. That has made things really hard, especially since the rest of the country is going through a big economic boom. So no one in Jon's family can understand and I get the distinct impression that they are starting to think that I am just a lay-about. The one time SIL raised her voice this weekend (not to yell, but in that way that when you are trying to make a point you don't think is coming across your voice gets louder) was when she was trying to explain how she just couldn't understand how hard it was for me to get a job, since in Leeds it would take all of five minutes and she could probably get me one. The thing is, she is right. I could get a job in Leeds in five minutes and probably better than the one she could get for me, but what she couldn't understand is that it is just not like that up here. And plus, factories are still announcing closures, and the finance minister for the government said that sometimes places like the North have to sacrificed for the greater good of the country. Can you believe he said that publicly?!?!?!?

Secondly is the infertility.

I could deal with the finances; stuff happens, you deal with it and move on. I can envision a life in the future, not too far off now, in which we are fine for money. But the IF really gets to me. I am still at the point where if I think about a future without kids I start to wonder about the point of existence. When I start to wonder about the point of things, this is a big danger sign so I don't think about not ending up with kids very often, except when things happen-- like the clomid failing. When I walked into that room in their new house, the unfairness of it all hit me like a ton of bricks. Because of difficulty #1 we will have trouble dealing with difficulty #2 and because SIL has never had any big knocks, she now has a house bigger than she needs for at least a few years and a room that she will have no trouble filling exactly when she is ready. It makes me want to cry now, mostly out of sheer frustration with my situation.

Wow I have really gone on now haven't I? I take my last clomid tomorrow. I haven't had any side-effects this time at all, really. A slight headache, but I mostly think that is because I haven't been drinking enough and it has been really warm out for the last few days. I have also had some cramping, but that is it. More reason for me to believe that it isn't doing jack doodie. Oh well, you never know. I am having really mixed thoughts about temping this cycle. I am supposed to start tomorrow, but I don't know if I will. Basically I don't want to know on cd 21 that this cycle hasn't worked. I would like to have the same luxury of ignorance that other people get, but at the same time it would be nice to just take the provera on cd 28 when I know that it hasn't worked. I won't get the results of my next progesterone test because they are being sent to my gyn and I don't have another appointment with him scheduled yet, so temping is really the only way I will have any idea about what is going on.

This is one of those times when I really wish I had periods often enough that I could just ignore everything and something could still happen. I don't really have much hope for this cycle, but at the same time, I feel kind of resigned to everything and not particularly unhappy or sad, and I don't want to mess up that feeling by getting myself all upset over a disappointment I am kind of expecting. I don't know what I'll do, but temping will probably win out in the end.

In other news, the weather here has been great. Our tomatoes are soo happy, our beans are flowering and the sweet peas have finally got flowers, and they made it to the top of the balcony railings. You can't walk down the length of our balcony anymore without brushing leaves on both legs. I am so proud of us. We made something grow!! When we left to go to Leeds on Thursday there was nothing doing up here and all the gardens down there were in full bloom. They aren't that much farther south! But when we got home and saw the progress that everything had made, I felt much better.

I hope everyone is having as good a time as our plants are at the moment!!