We also went out that night with friends from the last two years that we have been living here. People came whom we haven't seen since we moved out of the little village we first lived in. It was a really good night. Now I am getting over the post party blues and trying to get into the frame of mind for the next Clomid try. My gyn appt is on Monday afternoon, at the hospital though, not the GP practice. I guess I'll start the Provera on Monday, too. For some reason though I am not getting very excited about this. Instead, I am just kind of going through the motions. I have talked to Jon about this a couple of times, but I just have this feeling deep down inside that I will never be pg. That's one of the reasons that I bought all the baby/pg books and magazines when we first started talking about TTC. I really wanted to have the experience of reading them with the excitement and anticipation of someone who doesn't expect any problems. Now, I can't get past the feeling that I was proved right by the last Clomid cycle. In a strange way, I am not depressed about it, just a little sad. Both Jon and my mom say that they are sure that it will happen someday. Jon says he has enough faith for both of us. I can't really figure out why I feel this way. Maybe it is just a form of self-protection after the really hard time I had when the Clomid didn't work. I would never stop treatment, and I will still fight my corner at the gyn appt, but I can't help feeling that I am just going through the motions.

This morning it is quite hot, and when I am hot or take a hot shower the veins in my breasts come to the surface. I was looking at them in the mirror today and trying to memorize them because I know they are a pg symptom for some people, and I wanted to know what mine looked like so they couldn't fool me. I know I sound really depressed today, but honestly I am not, just a little tentative about starting again, and being so disappointed again. So maybe I am being a little morbid. When I go to some of the IF BBs for support and stuff I often feel really young. Most of the women on those boards are in their 30s, and I sometimes feel like they think I have all the time in the world, no biological clock or something. But infertility isn't an age thing, and if it is this bad now, I don't have time to wait any more than they do. PCOS only gets worse with age.

Okay, time to talk about the good things in my life, or everyone will think that I am just a depressed little bunny. In fact, things are going pretty well. Our sweet peas are halfway up the railings of our balcony and our beans and tomatoes are flowering. The sun has been out for three straight days (this NEVER happens here), and I am looking into getting a job as a part-time classroom assistant for special needs in the next school year. I am going to shadow someone next Friday at a school in Sunderland (about a 1/2 hour away by car). I am also starting to volunteer for the Red Cross, which has been fun so far. Plus in two weeks we are going to Leeds to help my SIL move. We are going to help with cleaning and painting the new house. I love painting so that should be fun. I hope everyone has a happy and healthy upcoming week

Kim