In any case, the clomid got me all weepy about my life too, and the fact that I don't have a job, and I am not sure how happy I am to be living here, and how alone I feel living surrounded by 18 year olds. Jon thought it was all funny too, until it stuck and I was really feeling down. You see other things tend to follow me feeling down. I lose track of the house work and lean really heavily on Jon and start to have fantasies about going back to the states for a few months. This, combined with my lack of e-mail, was really hard. Jon and I had a big non-fight this weekend about it all. By non-fight I mean there was no argument, just lots of silences and unhappiness and big talks. We talked about everything, like why I haven't been really looking for jobs -- I hate that my degree doesn't seem to count here, and that I have beg for low level jobs, but I don't want to get into a career track because I know as soon as I go home I will be going back to school in something completely different from anything I can get here. We talked about how Jon feels like we never have enough money for him to go out and buy CDs and go out drinking with his mates. The fact is I don't really stop him, but he used to get into debt to do it, and I don't want to get back into debt now that I paid it off.

The real biggie we talked about was the fact that even if I get a job I want to save all the money in case I actually ever manage to get pg so it wouldn't make any difference to our regular life. That brought up the big whammy: Do we really want to keep trying? I just felt so down about everything that I was even ready to give up, but amazingly Jon, who hadn't wanted to start in the beginning, feels like we have fought so hard to get to where we are that it would be really sad to give up now. So we decided that we are not going to rush treatment, but take it as it comes, and since we know that will be really slow, it is not quite quitting, but similar. It means that if I actually do O on 50mg of clomid I won't call the doctor to bring my appt. forward so that I can get the next round of clomid in time for the next cycle. We will probably end up letting July go and start again in August. Of course, if the 50mg doesn't work then we have to wait for the appt. anyway and then do provera and then start, which will put us at the end of July anyway.

As for O'ing, I'm still waiting. It would be nice if the clomid could work, since it has now indirectly wreaked havoc on my life, but we are cd17 and nothing so far. Good news, though, in that my temps have been really steady, no sudden peaks or troughs. They have been steadily going down to slightly above my usual level. The last three days have been 97, 96.9, and 97, but the fact that they have been steady I am taking as a good sign. Plus, I know that women on the boards have o'd as late as cd18-21 on clomid so I'm trying to keep my hopes up. I have had some nice ewcm, but I have not been drinking as much water as I should be to keep it up, and my cp has been getting softer and higher, and I had some serious pinching and aching on my left side yesterday. I really thought that my temp would have gone up this morning, but not yet. In any case we have been dancing away, but not too often, and I am not giving up hope yet.

In completely other news, my mailing list in the UK has been contacted by a TV company that is doing a show for Channel 4 on women who use the Web to help with gynecological problems, ranging from ovarian and breast cancer to all forms of IF. I have spoken to the woman a couple of times. She is really nice, but I am not their ideal candidate for filming as I have an American accent and am not doing IVF. The British don't seem to find anything else concerning IF to be very exciting. I am not sure I would like to be in the film, which they are doing next month, because it will be aired in the fall and we still haven't told Jon's parents about any of this and I really don't think they would like being told because we were going to be on TV. I don't think it would go over well. The fact that we are evening trying at all won't go over well and add to that that we would have told a TV production crew before them. I'm not sure that would be good family politics. Still I'm glad that she keeps calling me and is interested in my treatment, because even though I would like to keep everything fairly private, I would really like PCOS to get more mainstream press so that those of us with it, whether or not we are TTC, would have an easier time getting treatment. You never know though. I could end up on British TV. Scary thought.

That's all for now. I'll try to keep everything more up to date, especially if I actually manage to O and get to that coveted two-week wait.

Kim