I might see if the GYN clinic has a cancellation list I can get on, but I doubt they will. People here aren't charged for missed appointments so they generally don't bother to cancel them. I also REALLY don't want to be treated by a gynecologist who mostly deals with diagnosing feminine cancers (something they are notoriously bad at doing here anyway) and treating menopausal women. I feel like I have fallen into the dark ages of women's medicine, but on the other hand I don't want to complain too much since it is free, well most of it anyway. I am going to try a low sugar, low carb, high protein diet to see if that helps, but I really wish I could get things going sooner. At least talk to an RE or something. I am doing the diet because it is supposed to help low level PCOS, but I still don't even know if that is a reasonable thing to think that I might have. However, I think PCOS is supposed to get worse with every attempt of the ovaries to O, as the feedback loop gets more and more messed up. I really don't want to get to June and still have not O'd or have had a period. That can't be good for me.

I just feel so hopeless all of a sudden. I was feeling pretty calm about everything and just waiting to O or have AF, but now suddenly it all seems overwhelming again. I haven't checked my cm in about a week and I wonder if it would help to start checking again. The thing is, I get EWCM and then don't O. And I have done that enough times now, that the only thing I can really rely on to not get my hopes up is my temps. I am trying to sign up for an email list for people with fertility problems in the UK so at least I will have people I can ask about the health care system. I swear I will never bad mouth my old HMO again.

I also talked to the acupuncturist at the practice I am at. She was really sympathetic and nice. I have an appointment on Fri. At least I will feel like I am doing something while I wait until JUNE (!!). Maybe I'll even have a bleed before then. That's another thing, sometimes I think the doctors and nurses forget that you haven't bled for ages and ages, and they forget how real it is to you every time you look at a calender.

Oh, this is all so frustrating. I feel like I shouldn't get too upset because I feel like I am not really even TTC yet. You need to O for that, but I don't know when I am going to O if ever, and I have reached a length of cycle that I have never seen in anyone else on the web. I see people worrying about not O'ing yet at cd18 because that seems too late for them and I want to send internet daggers. Then I feel mean, and know that I am being unfair. So I have pretty much stopped posting.

I hate this. It is absorbing my life, and yet I don't know how to focus on anything else. It just seems like I should be able to do something, or at least that this should be my top priority. But what can I do?

This is so hard.