I know that my hormone levels will probably be off. I am prepared for that. I feel fairly confident that with a little coaxing we can convince my ovaries to ovulate. I am scared though, about the potential results of Jon's Sperm Analysis (SA). He had an undescended testicle which was operated on when he was two. This can sometimes cause low sperm counts, but doesn't always. Unfortunately I am better at obsessing about negative possibilities than positive ones. So now, as every day passes I get more paranoid about the combination of irregular ovulation and low sperm count. My excuse for negative thinking is that I find it easier to deal with things, generally, if I mentally prepare for the absolute worst, so I can be pleasantly surprised by the reality rather than disappointed by it.

The worst thing about this building, and hopefully unnecessary, dread of mine, is that I feel like it is starting to affect Jon, who is normally my incurably optimistic rock. I have been dealing with the possibility of having trouble conceiving for eight years, since long before we had even met, but for Jon this is all new territory. Because of my pre-knowledge, we are probably moving faster than most couples would. Recently, I have been reading books about all types of fertility treatments and last night we were talking -- well, I was talking -- about the various options I thought would be open to us if the worst were true. Among them was the idea of adoption. I have three adopted cousins and we had discussed this option before we were married. However, that was when I was still having chemically induced perfect cycles. Jon is actually very pro-adoption, but he has always treated it as a life style choice: "Of course we can choose to adopt if we want to." This was the first time he had ever thought about it without the choice part. I think it is always hard the first time you realistically think about what it would be like to not have the option to choose to have your own biological children, even if you have always liked the thought of adoption. When I first had to think about this, one of my cousins was being adopted and so I could see how the whole family took him in and how irrelevant the whole biology thing was, and it was still hard.

Today he has been really quiet and extra concerned about how I am feeling. We are years away from actually having to make any decisions like this, and I don't want my way of coping and focusing on the worst case scenario to get him down!! Everything will be much better in two and a half weeks when we know what all the results and options really are. Between now and then we are going to have to find lots of distractions, like going out for dinner in Newcastle this weekend. At least so far this has all been bringing us closer together, and seems to be lessening his original fear about being ready to be a dad. That's the one thing I'm not worried about. I know he will be a great dad.