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Home › Diaries › Kate's › April 17, 2000

Kate's Diary Entries

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April 17, 2000

Hello, everyone. Well, it is CD #28 and I have had a tiny little bit of pinkish spotting but AF has not yet come to visit. Since the miscarriage last October, my periods have been all over the map -- between 23 and 34 days, so this looks as though it’s going to be a late one. (I thought they were stabilizing, but maybe not.) At the end of last week, I started getting that PMS soreness to my breasts and vague cramping, so I know that AF is coming.

When I realized that these were PMS symptoms, I ordered a bunch of books from the Web, one of which is a fertility book Taking Control of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. Has anyone read it? I’ve heard that it is wonderful and I feel as though I need some help. Anyway, the books were a way of making myself feel better, as was a fairly expensive clothing purchase in New York. I bought a new suit, with a skirt and pair of slacks, a sweater set and a top. I’ve been running a little low in the clothing department -- last fall, when I thought I would be pregnant and nursing for the next several months, I passed on updating my work wardrobe, so it definitely was time. But, there was a strong element of retail therapy in all of this purchasing. With the house renovations, I’ve got to slow down on spending, I guess. Getting pregnant would be a cheaper proposition for sure.

I’ve been a little depressed this week because I’ve been getting a lot of stuff in the mail congratulating me on my 35th week of pregnancy -- which is where I would be if I hadn’t miscarried. I have tried to figure this out. I don’t think my OB’s office would have sold my name to anyone. The only baby-related thing I registered with last fall was a maternity shop at a mall near my home. I was so excited when I found out that I was pregnant in August that I immediately went to a maternity shop to browse. When I was there, I filled out a registry and gave my due date, which would have been May 12.

So, this last Friday, I received a big package from one of the baby formula companies. It contained bottles, nipples, a big canister of formula and several small ready-made cans of formula. Plus some coupons. I’m a big breastfeeding advocate -- I nursed James for 16 months, so I wouldn’t have used the formula anyway, probably. However, that package and all of the magazines and other stuff in the mail are a reminder of what I am not right now -- namely pregnant and what I don’t have -- namely a baby.

I felt like writing the chairwoman of the company who sent me all of this stuff and congratulated me on my 35th week and saying, guess what, I miscarried! But, I don’t want to be spiteful. One thing is for certain, if/when I get pregnant again, I am not going to tell ANYONE except DH for a while. Maybe that is just superstition, but I can’t help feeling that my talking about that last pregnancy as soon as I had a positive pregnancy test had something to do with its demise. Probably not. It’s hard to admit such lack of control.

Anyway, that’s all for now. I’ll talk with you again next week. Cheers for now and good luck in your TTC adventures.



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