Chris F's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 6/5/01 -------------------- 6/4/01 5/28/01 5/7/01 4/24/01 4/16/01 3/24/01 3/8/01 3/7/01 2/24/01 2/17/01 2/5/01 1/31/01 1/24/01 1/14/01 1/7/01 1/1/01 12/23/00 12/11/00 11/27/00 11/20/00 11/15/00 11/7/00 10/31/00 10/23/00 10/17/00 10/10/00 10/3/00 9/27/00 9/14/00 9/5/00 8/29/00 8/20/00 -------------------- Chris F's Introduction

December 11, 2000

It’s 2 a.m. and I can't sleep. Today is Dec.11, and my daughter should be turning 5 months old. It makes me very sad. I thought I would be pregnant by now and wouldn't have to deal with the grieving so much, with the prospect of a new life ... so it's taking longer than I have ever had to "try" for a pregnancy. I have had five children, #1 was after three months off BCP, #2 was 13 days after my last BCP, #3 was two months after BCP, #4 was an oops after I stopped breastfeeding (I just never got AF after I weaned him), and #5 was two months of TTC ...

I went to the doctor last week for the ovary pain. I don't have a cyst -- one she could feel anyway -- so she gave me five days of provera to clean out and let my ovaries rest. The pain went away after just two days. She says I sound depressed, and thought I might need to get on some meds for it. I don't know, I don't feel depressed in the sense of totally out of it all the time. I feel more frustrated in my body. I also have gained 14 pounds since having her (I had lost all of my pregnancy weight the first two weeks, with all of the happenings). I am overweight to begin with so she thinks this is adding to my not ovulating, since overweight women carry more estrogen. She wants me to eat two servings of fruit/vegetable at each meal and only three meals a day, and to limit Internet time to one hour a day, LOL. I do spend to much time on this thing.

She mentioned the book the The Zone. I haven't heard about it before, and haven't had time to go get it -- maybe today. I guess it's more protein, low carbohydrates. Then she wants to see me in six weeks. I wonder if she would consider Clomid if I asked when I go back in? I am not sure if she thinks six months of not ovulating is long enough ( I actually think I have ovulated twice, with very short LP phases, one 11 days and the other seven days). She told me that I should wait one year to TTC when I first lost my daughter (most of the doctors called to give condolences after she passed away). I have a HMO too, and wonder if they have a formulary of how to treat this. I am just going to try my best to follow my doctor’s orders; she’s really a great doctor and spent more than an hour with me the other day, so I know I am in good hands. But I think I will be on CD 1 today -- already started spotting last night. So here’s to a successful month.

I still don't have all of my Christmas shopping done or my tree up; I have been obsessing in other areas as you see. But I am almost there. I am just not into the whole holiday scene this year. It just isn't cheery this year. Maybe I am depressed. I really don't have many people that want to hear me vent about not being pregnant. They all think I am nuts to TTC so soon. The only people I have found that understand are online, and they too have lost babies ...

Dan (DH) got my Christmas present a little early. I was shocked since he said he never would buy another computer, so I better enjoy this one. Bought me a new Gateway, with everything I wanted on it. I really wanted a CD rewrite, to download all of the music and the speed, plus I got a new monitor with a flat screen. I am excited. I was going to get a cable modem, but it came with a free year of AOL, not my favorite, but I don't want to pay $40 a month for a cable modem until I have to. My sister really wants us to give her our old computer (in her church they can't have TVs and radios and the like, so she doesn't want to go buy one, but wants a free one). I would say yes, but then I have four kids that enjoy it too, and DH said no, we paid a lot of money for this computer only two years ago, he's not giving it away. So I am stuck, I don't want anyone mad at me, and my sister's the type that believes she deserves a handout, even though her DH makes good money too.

Well, I guess that’s all of the venting I have for now. I am sorry I am such a downer. My goal this week is to make each day better and to try and feel good ...

Chris