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June 5, 2001
Boy.......
When Ilost my 5th child last year Abby 7/11-22/00..she was my girl after 4 boys. Well while she was sick and after she died, I just kept telling myself I can have another baby (daughter in my mind) if I lose her it wont be the end of my life I would tell myself. Well when I got pg I was excited. I quess I didn't know I was acctually thinking, I was trying to replace her. Although I told myself I wasn't.....I quess I was. Because today at the u/s (still have heart echo in 2 wks) I found out we are having another boy, healthy, everything looked great, she said the heart looks great too. And yet I am bawling because I am not having a daughter. I feel like the worst mother in the world. Now I may never get the chance to raise a daughter. I know I will love him to pieces. I need to praise God for a Healthy son, a chance to even have another baby, and all the other blessing in my life. But I just feel so depressed. How will I ever look at another little girl, and know I can't have one :*(
Sorry if this makes anyone upset. I am truely blessed. I just have to tell my heart.
Chris Edd 11/4/01 with a Son
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