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Jayme's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 10/6/00 -------------------- 9/13/00 9/4/00 8/30/00 8/21/00 8/9/00 7/29/00 7/25/00 7/21/00 7/20/00 7/18/00 7/3/00 6/29/00 6/23/00 6/20/00 6/13/00 6/12/00 6/6/00 5/26/00 5/23/00 5/22/00 5/17/00 5/15/00 5/13/00 5/13/00 5/11/00 5/6/00 4/29/00 4/22/00 4/21/00 4/4/00 3/29/00 3/13/00 3/11/00 3/2/00 1/8/00 -------------------- Jayme's Introduction

July 25, 2000

I am having a really hard time lately. I have a big decision to make and I hope that I make the right one. On one hand I think I should just stop TTC. No temping, charting, no nothing, no diary writing. On the other hand I feel like I can't stop this. I am not the type to give up on something. I don't quit until it is done.

I am having a hard time with all this and feel that I have totally lost control of my life and my dreams. I am now even having a hard time with the whole eating thing again. I have to try and remind myself that it is more than likely that I feel I need something to control.

My last bout was during a losing battle for the man I was in love with to stay with me. We were in a VERY dysfunctional relationship for almost three years and I knew I was losing control of my feelings and the relationship.

Ian and I have even been fighting about it lately as well. We hardly ever fight. Actually, we NEVER fight. We get in arguments every once in a blue moon. It lasts for a few minutes and then we just start to laugh; but, now we actually fight (no, not physically) and it always as something to do with TTC.

I wish that I never got started on this. I am sorry; but, I am too deep now to get out of it and it gets harder with each passing day.

Well, I am now on C#16, CD#12, and of course TTC#1. Eight more months of this and I will have been TTC for 2 years! That's half of what I have already been trying.

I am definitely going to call my doctor and ask her if I can get on Clomid. I want to get the ball rolling. I am tired of being passive aggressive! If she won't help me then I want another doctor. I have been saying that I wanted another doctor for two years anyway. Now is as good a time as any.

I hope that I haven't brought anyone down. I just don't know what to do and am tired of bawling my eyes out everyday.

I am tired of TTC ruling my life! I want it back.