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Jayme's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 10/6/00 -------------------- 9/13/00 9/4/00 8/30/00 8/21/00 8/9/00 7/29/00 7/25/00 7/21/00 7/20/00 7/18/00 7/3/00 6/29/00 6/23/00 6/20/00 6/13/00 6/12/00 6/6/00 5/26/00 5/23/00 5/22/00 5/17/00 5/15/00 5/13/00 5/13/00 5/11/00 5/6/00 4/29/00 4/22/00 4/21/00 4/4/00 3/29/00 3/13/00 3/11/00 3/2/00 1/8/00 -------------------- Jayme's Introduction

July 18, 2000

Hey everybody! I am back from my vacation. I would sit at home relaxing and say,"I am actually getting paid to do this," or go to the bathroom and think,"I am getting paid to do this, too!" I was having a really great time, until AF arrived full swing on CD#34. I was so depressed. I AM so depressed. We did everything right. What happened? I had EWCM and BD'd, why didn't it take?

In other news: My best friend, her husband, and their baby are moving in with us. We love her so much. She is almost 7 months old. She is beautiful. Ian loves her so much. We all went to the mall on Saturday and Ian was pushing her around. My friend was like, "Hey, where are Ian and Haleigh?" Ian was running down the mall pushing her stroller making her little curls blow in the wind while she giggled and giggled. Later, when we got home, my friend laid the baby on our bed and when I looked for Ian an hour later, he was lying on the bed asleep with Haleigh and they were holding hands. It made a tear come to my eye.

It will be hard at times, food on the floor and dinnertime, throw-up on our clothes right before work, toys being stepped on in the middle of the night, fussing while we are trying to sleep. But, you know, in the bottom of my heart I will smile and love those things as well. I am happy to hear the sounds of splashing during bath time in my house, a baby giggle that echoes through the rooms, a rocking chair to put her to sleep, a first word, a first step, all of it. I may never have that on our own. It seems to make my house that much more full. I only wish it was the combination of Ian and me doing all those things.

I don't know why it is so easy for some people and so much harder for others. I hate this. I also feel that I am not totally fulfilling my duty as a wife. I know that it could be just as much Ian as me; but, to me that doesn't matter because if Ian is infertile then I am infertile. And Ian feels the same way.

I read a scripture in the bible that said, "No woman will be barren with God." We have to pray and put our complete faith in God and it will happen. I am trying so hard to keep that faith. I have had so many hurdles to overcome and can't bear the news of not being able to have children. I used to say that I wanted at least three children and now all I want is one little baby.