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Jayme's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 10/6/00 -------------------- 9/13/00 9/4/00 8/30/00 8/21/00 8/9/00 7/29/00 7/25/00 7/21/00 7/20/00 7/18/00 7/3/00 6/29/00 6/23/00 6/20/00 6/13/00 6/12/00 6/6/00 5/26/00 5/23/00 5/22/00 5/17/00 5/15/00 5/13/00 5/13/00 5/11/00 5/6/00 4/29/00 4/22/00 4/21/00 4/4/00 3/29/00 3/13/00 3/11/00 3/2/00 1/8/00 -------------------- Jayme's Introduction

June 20, 2000

I am having a hard time right now. I am thinking that even after all this book reading, temp taking, and charting; I still won't get pregnant. I feel so discouraged. I am even feeling like when I do get pregnant, I'll have to even wait 10 more months to have the baby. I want a baby right now.

Ian and I went to Wal-mart to pick up from some things for the house and I HAD to walk through the baby aisle. Well, I saw these binkys that were Mam Crystals. They were sooo awesome and different! There was only one set left! I had to buy them. So, they are at home waiting for a little baby.

I want a baby so bad. I have made so many decisions already. I have decided to try my damnedest to have my baby naturally. Of course, I have never had a baby; so it might be too much for me to bear. I am going to try though. I am even contemplating having a home birth with a midwife. I am a little unsure about that one because I want to make sure that nothing happens to my baby. I have never had a child, so it may be that I have complications giving birth.

I want a baby shower, I want to buy baby clothes, I want to wash and fold little teeny socks and t-shirts. I want to fix up a nursery. But, if I started to do this stuff now, people would think I was crazy.

I am just having a bad time right now. I am on CD#10 and I just have that dreaded feeling that in about 18 to 20 days, I will be cursing at 'ol AF. I hate the suspense. I wish that I wouldn't have to wait all this time. Well, I have had a little bit of creamy CM, no temp spike yet. My cervix is beginning to feel softer (I think). Nothing to make me think that I am ovulating. Maybe soon; but, the signs aren't, like, "smack me in the face" obvious. I hope I am not imagining the signs from wishful thinking. I am soooo sorry, guys that I am being so negative today.

I guess that I am entitled, though. It is so hard to say, "I am leaving it in God's hands!" And simply, forget about it until I realize, "HEY! I haven't had a period in, like, two months, I think ..." I worry about it all the time. I just have feelings that it may never happen for us. We will be one of those couples who never give birth. If we can't do it naturally, I don't think we will ever have a baby. We can't afford to have a lot of testing done or IUI, IVF. Anything like that at all. My insurance doesn't cover any type of infertility costs.

Oh well! We will just have to keep trying, huh? That's really all we can do. It's just so hard trying to be strong through this. I feel like I am failing ...