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Jayme's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 10/6/00 -------------------- 9/13/00 9/4/00 8/30/00 8/21/00 8/9/00 7/29/00 7/25/00 7/21/00 7/20/00 7/18/00 7/3/00 6/29/00 6/23/00 6/20/00 6/13/00 6/12/00 6/6/00 5/26/00 5/23/00 5/22/00 5/17/00 5/15/00 5/13/00 5/13/00 5/11/00 5/6/00 4/29/00 4/22/00 4/21/00 4/4/00 3/29/00 3/13/00 3/11/00 3/2/00 1/8/00 -------------------- Jayme's Introduction

April 22, 2000

I threw Ian his first surprise birthday party on April 7th. He had a lot of fun. I had a few friends of his over and then we went out for the night. I had secretly invited one of his old buds from the Navy over that he hasn't seen in over a year. He was SOOO excited! We had cake, ice cream, and a bunch of his favorite finger foods. I think everybody had a good time.

Well, we have been married a year now as of April 16th. It doesn't seem that we have been together over eight years now. And married a whole year! (forget about it) It feels more like a minute. We still get the butterflies in our stomach when we see or call each other. I LOVE being married! I should have dome it years ago! HE HE.

I AM really upset about the whole TTC thing. I am going to talk to my GYN and ask her to help me. I know that I have years ahead of me to have a baby. (EVERYONE keeps telling me that!) I just want one right now and I am scared that if I can't get PG now, can I EVER get PG? Ian tells me not to get discouraged and was very worried the other day when I found out that there was no baby. He really is worried about next time if I come up not PG. I think he feels that I am getting more and more upset with each passing month and eventually there will be no time that I am happy about it. I guess I am a little afraid of that as well.

I BEG God to help me deal with these feelings. They are really changing my personality and the way that I look at things. I find that I am more and more pessimistic, when before I was rather optimistic. I don't know. I wonder if there is some kind of preconception counseling service out there? I guess that is what I am doing right now and also the support I receive from the people who read my page. It really brightens my day to hear people say," I understand what you are going through, or, "I had the same problem; but, now I have a beautiful baby." It makes me think that maybe a year or two from now, I will be looking down in my baby's face and giggle to myself, thinking that I actually was sobbing on my DH's shoulder a year ago because I wanted it sooo bad. I hope that is the way things are going to go.

I already love a baby that doesn't exist on earth yet. What will happen if that never comes? I will ALWAYS have a huge empty spot in my heart. I pray that the Lord will send me that little angel soon and that he picks out the one that is especially for Ian and I. We promise to take good care of her/him. We will put our lives on the line to keep them safe and a whole bunch more.

Well, I guess I made up for lost time, huh? Believe it or not, this page really helps with the hard times. Thanks to everybody for letting me pour out my heart and soul.