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November 26, 2003
I've been trying to get myself into the holiday spirit but my thoughts keep straying back to my miscarriage and what would life be like if we hadn't lost the baby. He would be four months old now and probably doing all the things a four month old would do. I don't often think about the baby, but lately I have. I think it's because of the holidays coming up. Seems like holidays are all about families, and I feel like I'm without all of mine (present and future) except Jeff. I've always been close to my extended family and I'm feeling rather alone. I guess I'm just homesick. Do you think you can be homesick for what could be? I am excited to have a nice quiet holiday with just Jeff, but I do miss my family as well.
Seems like winter will never come here. It's been raining a few times a week, which is a new thing for me, but still no snow. And it's nice enough outside to go without a coat for the most part. Anyone want to venture a guess to when the winter weather will start here? Or maybe this is winter weather!
Anyway, Jeff and I had a long talk last night about what to do with our lives in the next little while. He wanted to go to school part time, and move closer to work. I don't want him to go part time at school because frankly, he wouldn't get his loan that is paying for school. And then we'd have to pay for it, along with moving costs and housing costs, etc. And school was the reason why we came out here in the first place. So we decided that he should continue to go to school full time, and we should save as much money as we can to have a down payment on a house. Which means that we've put buying a new car and baby making on hold for a while. We won't prevent it, and I won't stop taking my temp but we're not going to be going to the RE anytime soon. I feel sad that we're putting off the family for something a little more materialistic but we both feel like this is the best thing for us. We will probably revisit the idea of going to the RE around March or so. By then I hope to have a house and our finances a little more stable.
What does this mean for this diary? I'll probably cut my entries down to every 2 weeks, or even once a month. I hope we'll be able to see some new faces around here as I know all the pg ladies would love to be able to move over to the pg diaries.
I’m trying to pick up a new hobby that I can do from my house. I would LOVE to start horseback riding again but I still haven’t found a barn that fits our budget. I can’t imagine paying almost $100 dollars a lesson that lasts only 1 hour! Besides, now that we’re moving, I want to find a barn closer to wherever we end up. I’ve been enjoying my scrap booking and reading but it’s just not the same as having the horses. I’m sure you all know what I mean. It’s important to have a hobby that you really enjoy.
Thanks again to everyone who has posted on my ttm board. I’ve really enjoyed hearing from all of you. :)
Have a happy holiday season and enjoy this time you have with your family. It’s important. :)
~Always, Cat
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