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September 21, 2004
Wahoo! I just got my last beta results back. Finally! I've been on pins and needles all day today. Granted, it's only about 1pm but I had my blood drawn yesterday morning so I've had over 24 hours to think about this. Poor Jeff has had the brunt of my worry.
Me: What if the numbers are going down?
J: But you're still having all the symptoms. Why would the numbers be going down?
Me: I know, I know. But what if they are?
J: I don't think they are. I think everything will be fine.
Me: I'm sure it will be...but...
J: Don't worry! Everything will be fine.
But of course I still do worry. I've been having great symptoms (still tired to distraction, sore bbs, some cramping and pulling [more on symptoms later]) but the worry is still there. It's sad because I worry about the symptoms, especially the cramping, but then I worry when they go away too. Ugh, can't seem to win here!
Sorry, got a little sidetracked and I didn't realize that I hadn't said my numbers yet. Silly me. I can't tell if this fog I'm walking through is because I'm so tired or is that the pg brain that everyone talks about. Or is it both? So, back to those numbers. They are at 2007, which the nurses say is great. :)
I'm trying to convince Jeff to move up our first ultrasound. It's set right now for October 1st, which is okay but too far away for me. I wanted it to be with my doctor, and not another one in the practice. And that is the only day he is doing them for like another 3 or 4 weeks. Of course, he's transitioning over to his new office but still...I'd like to talk to him one more time. I was thinking of having my first u/s this week, and then keep my second one with him on the first. Jeff thinks we should wait, but I would really love to get a peak at this little one inside me sooner than the first!!! Maybe I should tell him that baby wants to say hello. ;)
On symptoms, I can tell my bbs are completely sore all the time. They hurt when I take off my bra, when I put on my bra, when I wear a bra, when I don't...can't win there. Not that I'm complaining because they have been my most consistent reminder that I really am pg! Yesterday they weren't as sore at night as they normally were and I was worried until I looked at them. Holy growth Batman! I think it's time I went shopping for a new bra.
Funny story about my bb growth...as you all know, I teach the 3 and 4 year olds at church. As we were sitting in music time with all the other young kids in the church, Hannah leans over and give me a hug. She pulls away, a little confused look on her face, and points at my bb and says, "What's that?" Now, what do you say to a 3 year old about breasts? I think I stammered out something about it being part of my body and she screwed up her little face again and said "It wasn't like that before! I never hit my head on it when I was giving you a hug before." At this time I'm trying very hard not to laugh. So I told her I had something in my pocket that was just for me. And she asked me if I was going to show it to everyone later. Ha! I told her no, it's just for me. It was just so funny! She took my pocket explanation better than the part of my body explanation. Besides, I'm not quite ready to explain how women's bodies change to a 3 year old. Especially not my own 3 year old!
Other symptoms I've been having has been some mild cramping an pulling all last week. I also had back pain, just like when AF starts. It worried me that I was cramping, and a few days ago it worried me that I wasn't. BUT, I've decided to try and get off the worry bandwagon since I seem to be doing a lot of it lately.
Oh, one more symptom just for my friend Jill. Butt cramps!! How your butt is supposed to cramp when you're pg is kind of beyond me (something to do with the ligaments stretching) but they are there.
I went shopping this weekend for new luggage and as I was looking around a very pregnant woman came into the same section. Before I realized it, I thought, "Sigh, I wish that could be me." but it is me! Or will be in a few months. It made me realize that it's going to be a long road to get over the feelings of infertility. I kind of suspected that these feelings of envy and lonliness wouldn't magically go away the moment that I saw those 2 little lines. But this moment kind of woke me up to that fact. It's something that I still need to make peace with.
I know this is a long entry but a few more points and then I'll stop, for now. :) I bought my first baby item! I actually bought this when our second IUI cycle failed. It's a little yellow onesie that says "Are these people really my realitves?". It was one of those impulse buys that I thought would be useful when I actually have a baby. I was trying to be hopeful! And low and behold, I get to use it in May. It sits in my top dresser drawer and everytime I open the drawer, I smile a little to myself. I'm so excited for this baby, even though I've only known about him or her for a week.
I've been having a good time talking to the baby already. Jeff thinks I'm a little crazy but it's been fun for me to talk to this kid and it helps me not worry as much. According to my weekly update, the baby's heart has started beating this week. Aww...a little heart!
Oh, thank you all for the ideas with the fortune cookies! They've been a great help. And baby dust to you all still traveling your ttc road!
Until next time,
Cat
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