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August 12, 2004
Well, that dear old dog spot has shown up at my door so this cycle is a bust. And my temps are falling. Sigh. Does anyone else feel like they go through a mourning period during AF? I always feel so sad for the pregnancy that could have been. How I could have told Jeff, my parents, been pregnant when my family comes to visit, telling my brother, having a baby in the spring...I miss having all that. I don't know if 'miss' is the right word for it but it's the closest word I can think of that describes my feelings. Maybe yearn would be a better word. Jeff and I had a good cry out about this cycle yesterday. It's nice to have him be just as disappointed as I am. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. I know that he really would like to have a baby and I wish that it would happen sooner than later.
I've done a lot of soul searching in the past few days, trying to decide how much of this infertility I want to go through. I know this is a topic I routinely bash about in this diary, but it weighs heavy on my mind. This infertility is not an easy process. I know I want to have a child more than anything. And I know that I am willing to go through a lot to get my children. I guess what I'm struggling with right now is more of a faith issue.
***Now, before I explore this topic further, I want to tell everyone out there that this is a topic that's very near to my heart. I will not tolerate ANY bashing on my ttm board about this. Please be respectful of my beliefs because they are, after all, MY beliefs.***
As I've mentioned, I'm LDS and part of our beliefs is that our spirits exist before we are born. I believe that there are children waiting for me, but I'm struggling with WHY they are waiting. And why is God waiting to give them to us? Is it something we’ve done? Or something we’re not doing? I have a feeling that it’s not either, but I still worry. It's hard to leave that decision ultimately up to God and let the control I think I feel, go. I know that this is not going to be an easy process. Or even a very fast process. I'm trying my best to be hopeful that we will have a family, one day. And it may not be in the traditional way of how I want it to be. I'm trying hard to remember that even though my greatest desires are not being met, I know that God loves me and is aware of our struggles to bring these children into the world. I suppose I may never have the chance to be pregnant. And I may never have the chance to pass on our genes to our kids but maybe there will be a way through adoption. It's hard to look long term when I'm hurting now, though. I know I just have to remind myself that God loves me and trust in that. It says in the Bible in the Book of Mathew “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your soul.” (Matt 11:28-29 if you want to look it up for yourself.) Rest unto my soul sounds so nice right now.
In any case, I’m done with my religious thoughts for the day. Our plan for next cycle is yet another IUI, with 100 mgs of clomid again. This is our last cycle before we need to talk to Dr. K again. This is going to be our crossroads. I pray that this works and we won’t have to go any farther!
Oh! We bought our plane tickets the other day to fly home for Christmas. We are so excited to see Utah again. And to see everyone there. We’re taking Cinder with us. I’m a little nervous about taking her on the plane, though. She’s okay to fly in the cabin with us because she’s little, but I’m nervous how she’s going to take that. Anyone have any pet traveling stories to share?
Until next time!
~Always, Cat
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