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July 19, 2004
Well, AF showed. :P And I was feeling so hopeful too. She showed up in surprise late in the evening. AF almost always starts in the early morning for me.
In any case, I'm on cd 4 and I've been taking 100 mgs of clomid for 2 days now. And can we say headache?! Ugh! It's been terrible in the evenings. My head feels so tender. But at least I'm not weepy like I was last time. If anything, I'm feeling awfully chipper. ;)
I wasn't feeling as chipper the day AF came. That day I also found out that my cousin and his wife are pregnant. They have only been married since May. They both are in school and both have basically no jobs. It really hurt that they are pregnant so soon and Jeff and I still sit, childless. I hate that they seem so unprepared for kids, and we are. I'm sure this makes me seem very selfish but until you've done infertility, you really don't understand the heartache. As I'm sure I don't understand the heartache of being pregnant when you don't want to be.
That same day, Jeff and I decided to play The Game of Life. Normally, I love this game and it's one of the things that I play all the time. But this time, I went through the game with no kids. It made me think. Doesn't it seem a random throw of the dice who has kids and who doesn't? I missed the Baby Boy! square by 1 number twice. I was telling Jeff that I feel like we keep falling short of that Baby Boy! tile by one. I hope that I'm not destined to be childless as I was in the game. I wouldn't mind adopting, but I really would like to at least have one child of our own. I want to be pregnant so much, and all the kid stuff after it!
As I've said before, I work for a doctor's office that deals with pregnant people a lot. (No, it's not an OB/GYN.) We do prenatal genetic testing and one of the calls that I got today made me very sad. She said that she has 3 boys, and was pregnant and didn't want another boy. She wanted to know if we could test for gender before the baby is born. And if it was a boy, she wanted to abort it. My heart aches when I get calls like that because I know that there are a lot of women out there waiting to adopt or even HAVE kids. Just frustrates me.
Whew, this was supposed to be a short note, but it's not! I better get back to work. More later. :)
~Always, Cat
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