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March 17, 2003
Giving In and Letting Go
Often there comes a time in our lives when we are faced with a decision that we don’t want to make or are hesitant about making it. Brendan and I are at that time- it seems we have come to a fork in the road of parenthood and now we have to decide which road we will take.
I have been ready to be a mom for many years, long before my husband came into the picture. All my friends and family know that I hve long to be a mother since way back when. Its all I have ever talked about since I was a kid. I was the neighborhood babysitter long into my college years, I could never get enough of those little beings. When Brendan and I became engaged, we talked about children. We both wanted them, our only decision was how many. I wanted a baseball team, a dozen or so. Brendan was more conservative and wanted 2 or maybe 3. Either way, we knew that we wanted a house full of laughter, the pitter patter of little feet, the lack of sleep and everything else that came with parenthood. So after the wedding, we through away the birth control pills in our quest for parenthood. Month after month, no results. The result is just plain history, 2 failed IVF’s a failed FET and here we are – almost 3 years later with empty arms. How ironic.
Months ago, I decided that a wanted a child no matter what- a child even if he or she wasn’t born from my body. I set out in search of adoption agencies and gathered tons of information. I knew that I was ahead of Brendan, he just wasn’t ready to give in yet. It wasn’t until this weekend when we sat in our church and looked around that we realized we were missing something so precious that we couldn’t wait another day to get. We came home and Brendan said, he was ready to proceed. The words that I had been waiting to hear for months suddenly sounded so scary. Does going forward mean that I am giving in? or giving up? I don’t know the answers to these questions yet, I only know that the burden of my empty arms is weighing heavily on my life. I have found myself slipping more and more into a depression and I am scared. I never knew that this would be so difficult. If there was one thing that I kept telling myself time and time again, it was that I would be a mother. No my beliefs are faltering. I am scared.
Realizing that People are Who you think they are
Brendan and I have been attending the same church for almost 5 years. When we first started, the minister that was in charge was a very dynamic speaker and kept you captivated throughout his sermons. He had a way of drawing you in and them WHAM he would knock you off your center. But, he was a personable person, didn’t take the time to know his congregation. Right after Brendan and I married, our church had a new minister assigned and this time it was a women. When the minister started, she was very different from the previous minister but she had something about her that kept calling us back. Even though we had been attending the church for some time, we never joined and became members. We never felt this church was home to us until the new minister. She has helped us in more ways than imaginable especially is our search for GOD. As we attended more and more often, we became involved in the church more and more. During these involvements, we began to see something we didn’t like. A group of fellow worshipers in the church, started a campaign to get rid of the current minister. I am sure you are asking why? Simply because they didn’t like her. She refused to change many things about our church that made our church what it was. We are a very contemporary church with a band and all. A band that plays wonderful music that could move even those that say church doesn’t move them. These past month, the increased their momentum and were able to beat down our pastor enough that she gave in and resigned. Throughout this weekend, we have learned all the evil that this group was capable of. As the announcement was made in church that our beloved minister was leaving, many of them cheered and high-fived each other. Wonderful behavior for church. Because of this, Brendan and I have begun to question the very reason that we stayed at this church because after all, we are there to worship GOD and not a building or a person or music. In one of the worst times of our lives, we are faced with what we thought was steadfast and certain.
Springtime
It seems that spring has sprung!!!! After a terrible winter, unlike any we have had, the weather is finally warming up! And, the huge mounds of snow in all the parking lots are starting to melt!!! Spring is one of my favorite times of the year and I am so excited!
Congrats to all those that are pg and always keep believing!
Hugs to all
J
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