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January 1, 2002
The beta
I haven't been able to bring myself to write this entry, every time I start, I cry. A part of me was certain that this was "it" for us and a part of me was right. I got the results from the beta only to find out that I had at some point had implementation but it didn't stay. So close, but yet so far away. They really can't tell me what happened, other than when they checked my progesterone levels, they were low. I was a little bit upset to think that maybe this could have been prevented.
Where do we go from here?
I wish that I knew the answer but I don't. My body is tired, my heart is tired and I just don't know how much more of this I can take. When do you just say, enough is enough? I am so afraid to give up and then wake up one morning and regret that I didn't try harder. I am scared and I just don't know what to do. We are looking into donor insemination and also adoption at this point- I just can't continue to do IVF anymore. I don't think its the answer for us.
How I feel
I feel like the rug has been pulled out from beneath me. I just can't seem to find my footings. I am sad, and I cry and the drop of a hat. I wanted this so bad. I think that I wanted this more for Brendan than myself. I wanted to show him that he could father a child and that he did have all these great things to give to a baby. Right now, he thinks he doesn't. I wanted so much to see a smile on his face and in his eyes and I couldn't.
Now, I will just take some time and let things happen. Who knows, they say sometimes when you just forget about it and focus on something else, it happens. Maybe the powers that be, will let it.
Good luck Stacey and Aimee. I am praying hard for the both of you.
Love and hugs,
J
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