quick clicks

preconception articles

preconception q&a

message boards

research baby names

prepare a birth plan

content channels

ip channel rss feeds

read birth stories

read parenting stories

recommended books

e-newsletters

safety recalls

ip diaries

ip store

mom of the month

dad of the month

editor's letter

letters to the editor

Candace W's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 4/17/02 -------------------- 4/14/02 4/11/02 4/7/02 4/5/02 4/1/02 3/30/02 3/19/02 3/5/02 2/25/02 2/21/02 2/18/02 2/5/02 1/27/02 1/6/02 12/3/01 11/21/01 11/15/01 11/6/01 10/23/01 10/16/01 7/10/01 6/11/01 6/3/01 2/18/01 2/4/01 1/24/01 1/15/01 1/8/01 1/1/01 12/18/00 11/28/00 11/21/00 11/13/00 11/6/00 10/30/00 10/23/00 10/16/00 10/10/00 10/4/00 9/25/00 9/20/00 -------------------- Candace W's Introduction

October 4, 2000

Finally I have been making some inroads as to (some) of the things that I want to get done. I am scheduled to get my chicken pox shot on the 25th. I have set up a time to get some pictures of Alexandria and me taken (I've been meaning to do this for quite some time), and I am going to do something about this hair of mine. I love long hair, I love the way it looks, but I don't love the amount of effort it takes. And I don't take care of it all that well, either. Anything more than washing, combing, and applying a little bit of goo is too much work for me. I am not sure what I am going to get done to it. I just want to get it cut shorter. I might post before and after pictures. I hope I don't end up looking like a turkey.

Al is still unsure about his job. Sometimes I think about how much easier it would be to just forget trying to have another baby, and just focus all of my energies on Alexandria. And in just those terms, it sounds like a good idea. But then I start thinking about never experiencing pregnancy again, never giving birth again, not getting to see what a sibling to Alexandria would look like, how one would behave differently, and whether or what would make him or her laugh. And that's not to mention the things that I (already!) would like to do differently with the next one. If I weren't going to have another child, I wouldn't be able to improve on my parenting technique. I couldn't "fix" all of the things that I feel I did "wrong" with Alexandria. It's not that I think I have done a horrible job with her, but I want to appreciate things with the next baby a little more. I feel that Alexandria has grown up so fast, and I spent much (well, maybe not that much, but you get the picture) of her babyhood wishing for her to get older, more fun, to eat solid food, and I think I lost sight of just appreciating her as she was.

And when I debate inside about having another baby, I know that I absolutely must, but not just for those above reasons. I want Alexandria to have the siblings that I never had. My two sisters are 11 and 12 years older than I am, so they were out of the house by the time I was born, practically. Then, there was my brother who is 6 years older than I. I mean, he's a wonderful brother, but I imagine I was little more than a pain to him. I wanted a sister close to my age to share things with so badly, but I didn't really have anyone. I had my mother, and we were close, but I would have loved to have a built-in friend close to my own age. And I want that so much for my family. I never had that growing up, and I felt it was unfair. I was the "unexpected" (I have heard it alleged that I was also unwanted, but that's another story!) pregnancy, and my mother was rather "old" by the standards back then. She was 36. Now it doesn't seem all that old, but when I was a child it was.

I digress. I sometimes wonder why I am considering having more children, when my father had given me his (unwanted) opinion. I shouldn't have any children with Al, because my father's father died when he was 10, and he became the man of the family. His mother was (I think) 20 years old when she had him, and his father was in his middle to late 50s. My father had a hard time, though. His mother wasn't doing much to support the two of them, and so my dad wound up dropping out of high school so that he could work and get a job. It wasn't very easy for him, and I think he harbors a lot of resentment. Then his mother just disappeared. We don't know if she's still living or not. I never met any of my grandparents. By the time I was born, they were all dead, except for my paternal grandmother. I have also wanted to live for a long time so that I can see my grandchildren, because I was deprived of that.

I think my father could just see the same thing happening to my children as happened to him, and that bothered him a great deal. I told him that it wasn't going to happen that way, because I was going to do everything in my power to see that they were well taken care of. I am a realist; I know that Albert isn't going to live forever. I know that it's unlikely (especially if we have more than two children) that he will live to see them marry. But, I will make sure that they won't have to drop out of school to work so that we can have heat in the winter. That I can promise; they will never want for anything.

I suppose one of the reasons I want children so badly, is so that I can give them the life that I never had. My childhood wasn't exactly rosy. This entry is getting monstrous! So, I'll cut to the chase: I am pretty sure we're going to be going ahead with TTC in late December, job or no job. I feel like there is a clock ticking, and we must hurry. I expect to O sometime around the 17th-18th this month.

That's all for this week!
Candace