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December 7, 2003
Surely I am not the only one out there with the diagnosis, TTC OBSESSION. I check out all the TTC websites, chatrooms, prayers boards, herbal supplemental ads. I know what day of the month it is not only but the calendar date but my cycle date as well. Every event is planned around BD time (may have to cancel a birthday party just so DH won't be wiped out to BD. I could tell you the senstivity of every OPK and HPT on the market and the best place to shop for them (OK, maybe not right off the top of my head but I know where to get the info from). I was even thinking about applying for a job at an infertility center even though that is not my nursing speciality. I think you get the picture. Last noc (nursing terms) I found a website that I really like (RESOURCE, for infertility issues) and read about a person who I swore could have been me. I realize that I am not the only one going through this emotional ride of trying to get pregnant (and for all those years I tried to prevent it).
I find is hard to stay faithful (spiritually speaking). When AF comes I cry just a little harder each month.
The other day I was trying to schedule a LAP with my OB/gyn so I could know just how bad the endo is. Being that I have some time off during the holidays I thought I would schedule my surgery for that time. This was so challenging to do at work b/c I don't want anybody to know that I am TTC. The person in the office next to me is 40 and 8 months pregnant. Everyday I have to hear her complain how sick and tired she is. She has had a rough 8 months so far with vomiting but still, it is not easy to hear. I don't want to seem petty and only another TTCer with infertility issues could really understand the conflict this present. Anyways I am trying to tell the advice nurse of my dilemma on how I want to meet with the doc to discuss the surgery and then get the surgery scheduled ASAP (within my vacation time) if needed. Well you know MDs are so overbooked and my guy is planning to spend time with his little ones so he is taking alot of time off for Christmas too. So the scheduler/advice nurse double books me for an appt. on my birthday. She really started off being so abrupt but then softened and was very helpful trying to fit me it. She then said, well maybe you will get pregnant this month and will not need the appointment. I don't know what happened right then but I started to cry and I couldn't even talk. I had the hardest time saying thank you with out sobbing .(waaahhh..I am crying now just thinking about it). I guess when she said "maybe you will be pregnant and not need the appointment" I lost it because I really want that but I really doubt that will happen. TTC just seems so hard...physically, emotionally, financially.
I have this strong feeling that I am not going to ever get pregnant and I that I should just quit and focus my energy on something else. My husband really wants his own child and so do I but I feel like I shouldn't get my hopes high 'just in case' but then I feel like a quitter and that I am not trusting in the Lord . Then I really feel awful for feeling this. Can you dig this? Fortunately I have a friend would is TTC and she too is struggling with infertility issues. Thank goodness I have her b/c I think she is the only person I know who truley understands the stuggles of infertility. I also told my mom about my TTC and she just cried along with me. She told me of how I always took care of my younger brother and sisters and how I was always a mother's helper for her throughout the years. It was so sweet to have that moment with her b/c we are not that close. I was so reluctant to tell her anything because I didn't want her to tell my sisters of what is going on because one sister is not supportive of me trying to have a baby and the other one is pregnant with her 5th child and she is only 27 years old. I guess I don't what anyone to know about my infertility stuggles because I couldn't stand to hear 'why I shouldn't have a baby' or 'why I should be happy with what I have' (and I do have alot to be grateful for).
This process have brought my husband and I closer together. We were at the movies watching the Last Samurai and midway throught the movie my husband whispered " I know that not be able to have a baby is killing you and finding out about the problems (endo)is hard but don't worry, we will have a baby of our own soon" . It was really sweet of him to be understanding and sympathetic even though I don't know what triggered that thought in the middle of the movie (especially that movie,lol)
well time to check fertilityfriend.com.
Have I missed any good TTC websites that I should know about?
Annie
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