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November 30, 2003
To be home again. 4 days away from home with the MIL. It wasn't a good place to start AF. I lost it, completely lost it. I think my MIL thinks I am psycho. She doesn't know that we are TTC so I just told her that I get really moody with my periods. Good to use that old PMS excuse. Last most was my first cycle of Clomid and the good news is that I did ovulate on my own so I was crushed when I got the BFN and then the tell tale cramps (it all happened so fast). Like most of the people I know TTC I really thought, this was the month. TTC is sort of like a bittersweet addiction. Highs and lows. Just yesterday I was crying out my eyes all day long. My DH really didn't know what to do and the 'stronger' I acted the worse it got. I think it was a all point low second only the the 2nd miscarriage. Funny b/c this little voice kept telling me things like " Am I not good enought to be a mother?" and "Why God, why?". Yesterday was a long day but a good nights sleep and Motrin extra strenght took care of me. Gee tomorrow will be CD 3 and time to start the Clomid again. I keep telling myself, OK maybe this will be the month of my good ovary (I am convinced that the endo has spread to my right ovary based on the amount of pain I have on that side AND I probably O'd from that side,,,right?) This is where I feel like TTC is an addiction. As soon as one cycle comes it is time to plan for the next cycle, calculate the days, plan for BD, buy more OPKs, etc. I also really wonder if the stress of TTC actually hinders it from happening. I guess I should start to think about a Lap for the endo. I wonder if I should bother with the Clomid this month or just schedule the surgery (lap)and then take the Clomid? I guess I will have to do some on-line research and then call the good old doctor G.
Happy Hot Flashes for the week
Annie
P.S. Have you ever had gingerbread waffles. Oh they are so yummy. I just mix box gingerbread mix with a little oil and water and wa-la! Pure heaven
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